Yes, Please Talk to My Kid!

Why we need a return to 'adult solidarity' to avoid losing our minds

A scroll through my news feed revealed an interesting TikTok video made by a woman called @julieyourmomcoach. A self-proclaimed “playground meddler,” she says she has no problem offering “playground guidance on etiquette” to children whose behaviour may be disruptive to other kids and parents.

She describes telling one child not to scream multiple times “like she was being attacked. I was like, ‘Are you having an emergency? We don’t scream like that unless we’re having an emergency because it makes all the parents nervous that there’s something wrong with you, and there’s nothing wrong with you.’”

As you can imagine, the comments section was full of supporters and critics. One wrote, “Parents not watching their kids at play areas/playgrounds is such a huge problem. It blows my mind!” Another said, “I’m not OK with another adult addressing [my kids]. I will lose it,” to which someone replied, “Good point. I don’t want anyone close enough or comfortable enough to feel like they can strike up a conversation with my kids. Ever. For any reason.”

What Happened to Adult Solidarity?

This tiny slice of the Internet I’ve just described reveals a fascinating tension at the heart of parenting today—the push-and-pull of correcting versus protecting, and the ongoing dilemma of how to interact with other people’s children, particularly in public. While we all have different ways of handling kids on the playground (and different barometers for what constitutes annoying behaviour), one common theme that we can probably agree upon is the erosion of “adult solidarity.”

This is a fascinating concept first described in Frank Furedi’s 2001 book, Paranoid Parenting. A concept that “used to be taken for granted,” adult solidarity is practiced “most of the time, in most places… by people who have never heard of the term.” It’s the basic idea that, “in most communities throughout the world, adults assume a modicum of public responsibility for the welfare of children, even if they have no ties to them.”

These adults—strangers—do not hesitate to help a child if they need it, to correct them, to encourage or comfort them, to take common-sense action deemed necessary in the moment. This isn’t a bad thing. Furedi writes that when a stranger reprimands a child for littering or crossing a street on a red light, they are “actively assisting that [child’s] parents in the process of socialization.”

They recognize that it is impossible to chaperone a child for 24 hours a day (though that doesn’t stop some parents from trying), and that some constructive criticism or helpful guidance from a well-meaning stranger can reinforce the same lessons that parents are striving to impart.

Not only does this take pressure off parents, but “these displays of public responsibility teach children that certain behaviour is expected by the entire community, and not just by their mum and dad.” And we all know that certain kids are more inclined to listen when a message is reinforced by someone other than their parent!

A culture of strong and consistent adult solidarity also reassures parents that others are looking out for their kids. It becomes easier to send children out into the world—to play independently, run errands, walk to school, hang out with friends—when you believe that other adults will step in to help if needed. And indeed, up until recently, many adults “felt duty-bound to reprimand other people’s children who misbehave in public.”

A Surge in Paranoid Parenting

That has changed with a culture of paranoid parenting, where strangers are presumed guilty until proven innocent, predators on the lookout for their next victim; where children are viewed as needing to be protected and insulated from all interactions with unknown adults; and where any attempt on the part of a stranger to correct a child’s actions or assist them is interpreted with maximum suspicion.

This is deeply unfortunate. It strikes me as such a limiting view of the world, one that restricts opportunities for growth and learning, not to mention potential new friendships. I want other parents to help me raise my kids because it makes my job easier! That doesn’t mean I’m slacking off and not doing my job, but kids are often in need of firm yet kind reminders of how they need to act. I can’t stay on top of every single misdeed or misstep, and I get exhausted when I’m the only one in charge of correction and discipline.

I also dislike how it creates fear in children and isolates them socially. What an awful way to grow up, assuming that all the adults around you are creeps who wish to harm you. Not only is it statistically negligible, but it ignores the fact that far more dangerous people now lurk online; they’re getting at your kids through their Instagram DMs, not talking to them on the playground. Parents would be smart to recalibrate their idea of what it means to be in danger.

The TikTok video that got me thinking about adult solidarity is not without its flaws. Kids do need places to be noisy (though screaming bloody murder should never be allowed), and I worry that adults try to quell those rowdy instincts to a child’s detriment. Nor am I a fan of parents hovering around kids at playgrounds to begin with. Just let them play on their own!

I also think that to a certain extent, given sufficient time and opportunity, many kids will self-regulate based on how their behavior is being received by other playmates. A child with antisocial behaviours, like throwing sand, will soon find himself ostracized temporarily from a group, until he adjusts his actions. Judicious parents should resist the urge to micromanage certain situations.

What Would I Like to See?

I’d like to see kids learning that other adults are generally decent people and talking to them isn’t bad, but going away with them is. (Those are very different things, and not a tough concept for a reasonably intelligent child to grasp.) I’d like to see parents realizing that they could really use some help with correcting children’s behaviour, and it’s actually kind of nice to have someone else step in once in a while. I’d like to see other adults no longer fearing attack for treating other children the way they’d treat their own, as smart young humans facing the sometimes-overwhelming task of figuring out how the world works.

I’ve had other parents apologize profusely to me for speaking to my children in public. I always say, “No, thank you! I’m sure it was something they needed to hear.” We need to return to a kind of society where everyone is less defensive and more open to listening. It won’t recreate the metaphorical village overnight, but at least it’s a start.

You Might Also Like:

Talk to Strangers
How to Handle Other Kids With Phones
It’s Hard to Be THAT Parent

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