How to Handle Other Kids With Phones

Young guests are asked to follow our household rules.

I put out a call for reader questions earlier this week. Not surprisingly, the first I received was a common one I hear during my talks on curbing digital media use—how to deal with other kids with phones. Patti wrote: “If I let kids with phones come over, they will play on the phone the entire time. Do you tell the kids who come over that we are not playing with phones? Do you tell the parents?” In this post, I share my approach to dealing with this common scenario.

Parenting does not happen in a bubble. You can raise a child however you want at home, but inevitably, they will head out into the world and interact with other people and realize that things are done differently elsewhere. Sometimes the world comes to you in the form of visitors, and this also opens a child’s eyes to new ways of living. All of this is good and natural—no one wants their kid to grow up under a rock—but it does pose challenges.

I think of this often in the context of smartphone ownership. It was easy to have a screen-free policy when my kids were young. They were oblivious to the fact that other families stashed iPads in their diaper bags and had a TV on in the background all day long. But as they grew, they started to notice. They began asking why we didn’t use those same devices. And when increasing numbers of young friends began visiting with phones in their pockets, I realized I needed a strategy for dealing with the influx of these devices into my own home, where I’d long restricted their use.

The Phone Police

The short answer to Patti’s question is yes, I do limit other kids’ smartphone use in my own home. I don’t see it as an overreach of my parental authority. These children are guests in my home, where certain behavioural norms exist, and if something they’re doing compromises those norms and affects my own children, I have the right to do something about it.

The long answer is that my response changes slightly according to the circumstances. If a kid is just stopping by, I likely won’t do anything. Same if everyone’s playing outside. But if a kid is coming over for a multi-hour play or a sleepover, I will address the issue beforehand with their parent and ask the child to leave their device on the kitchen island.

This is very simple. I text the parent something like, “Hi! Just a note that I’d like it to be a screen-free play, so if you could mention that ahead of time, I’d appreciate it.” Sometimes I add context: “I don’t allow phones in the bedroom, so I’m going to ask him to leave it in the kitchen. Hope that’s OK.” I’ve never received pushback. The parents say, “Sure! I’ll let him know.” I wonder if they’re relieved that someone else is finally willing to be the phone police.

Real Play Happens

The resulting play date (er, “hang out”, as my teenager always corrects me) is full of active, energetic, noisy play. They practice flips on the trampoline and balance on the slack line in our backyard. They play basketball and soccer and do pull-up challenges on the bar in the garage. One day, my high schooler holed up in his room with a friend, a guitar, and a violin, and I could hear an impromptu jam session emanating from upstairs. It was lovely.

Some younger guests want to wrestle on the living room floor for hours, much to my sons’ bewilderment; for them, roughhousing is normal, but for some of their friends, it’s a rare opportunity. When they run out of things to do at our house, they cruise around town on their bicycles, all wearing matching knockoff Pit Vipers and hitting up the convenience store for the latest flavour of Prime. It’s a vibe.

My policy has interesting effects. There are some children who do not come over anymore, which is sad, but the ones who do seem to love it. I think they sense, consciously or not, that they are being given a chance to play in a way that is far too often suppressed by the presence of devices. They’re able to let loose, use their imaginations, and move their bodies with new freedom.

And when I see and hear them playing like this, with such joyous abandon, I feel reassured that I’m doing the right thing. For some of these kids, I suspect it’s one of the only times in their week when an adult makes them put the phone away and just play. I can only hope that it makes a lasting positive impression on them.

Kids Need Phone-Free Spaces

We adults need to normalize the concept of phone-free spaces, and we have a responsibility to create them for children. These spaces—whether it’s in the classroom, at a play date, a youth group meeting, or on a school trip—allow kids spend time without feeling the urge to scroll compulsively, have their attention constantly tugged elsewhere, or even respond to other kids showing them things on devices. By guarding those phone-free spaces, we adults offer them a chance for relief and recovery, fleeting though it may be, and perhaps we benefit from it a bit ourselves.

When you consider the staggering daily screen time averages (5.5 hours for 8- to 12-year-olds, 8 hours, 40 minutes for 13- to 18-year-olds), it seems insane that we would deny kids the opportunity to take a break from the oppressive repetition of staring at a screen. Why are we not leaping at chances to withhold devices and create mental space for kids, especially when it involves playing and engaging with other children in ways that we know to be crucial to their development?

That is why I don’t hesitate to intervene when kids bring smartphones into my home. I know I’m offering them a far better alternative.

What About Other Kids’ Houses?

When my kids visit their friends, they often end up playing on screens. I don’t presume to impose my own screen rules on another household. If I’m electing to send my kid to someone else’s house (which I don’t have to do), it feels inappropriate to tell them how to parent.

Instead, I remind my kids to do offline activities with their friends. I might say, “Your poor friend spends so much time playing video games! I bet he’d love to shoot hoops at the park.” I encourage them to ride their bikes over, which may result in a group trail ride, or take a football or frisbee to incentivize outdoor play. It works more often than not. The kids who are steeped in screens are eager for physical alternatives.

It can feel hard to relinquish control, but this is at the essence of an independent parenting style. You work hard to instill certain values and practices—and then you send them off in the world and hope that your teachings stick.

Your House, Your Rules

It’s important to remember that you are the expert on your own family. You have the right to build the kind of home culture you want, and another parent’s decision to give their child a smartphone does not override your decision to limit its use in your own home. Since most parents love the idea of their kids getting off devices, you are more likely to receive gratitude and appreciation for setting that boundary than anything else.

You Might Also Like:

It’s the Adults, Not the Kids
Adult Screen Resolutions
Move With Purpose

If You Missed It:

Please check out this short news segment from The Morning Show-Toronto, where I spoke to host Carolyn MacKenzie on April 1 about the need to ban smartphones in schools. See my website for more media interviews.