It's Hard to Be THAT Parent

But you have to trust the process.

An incident occurred last week that got me thinking deeply about what it means to be a digital minimalist parent in a screen-saturated world.

My son came home from school and told me about a group that gave a presentation to his high school class. There was a series of icebreaker questions, one of which was, “Stand up if you have a cellphone.”

Everyone stood up, except my son.

He told me later that he felt embarrassed and singled out. Many of the boys (his friends) reacted with jeers and laughter, and the teacher quickly intervened, saying my son was likely “the smartest student in the room since he’s able to avoid distractions from a phone.”

Despite his calm and succinct retelling later that evening, I could tell he felt distressed by it. He finished by asking, “Why can’t I have a phone? If I had a phone, this wouldn’t happen.”

The Discomfort of Defying Social Norms

I felt bad for him. I wished he didn’t have to experience that. I also felt annoyed that the presenters would include such a fraught question that had the power to single him out in that way. It struck me as careless, but I couldn’t undo it.

Instead, I took some time to remind him of all the reasons why he doesn’t own a smartphone. It wasn’t difficult. He has spent the past week drafting an essay assigned by his English teacher on whether social media causes harm to teens’ mental well-being, so he is certainly familiar with the relevant facts and statistics.

But afterward, I found I needed a pep talk as well. I needed to remind myself of why I’m doing this—why I’m inflicting this on him, one might say. It’s not easy to swim against the social current. In fact, it’s deeply uncomfortable, and even painful at times, as he and I both experienced that day.

To be a digital minimalist parent at a time when screens are being shoved in our kids’ faces right, left, and center, every way they turn, and literally everywhere they go, is a gruelling daily battle. I am not going to sugarcoat it.

A Lonely Path

If you think it sucks being the only kid in a classroom without a smartphone, try being the mother who’s causing it all. At least my son can blame me for being strict, mean, ridiculous, or whatever he wants to tell his friends, but I have no one else to point a finger at. It’s all on me. I’m the one who has chosen this path, based on research I’ve done, but it is a long and lonely road, especially when I’m reminded that not a single other parent in his class is willing to do the same thing.

Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation (reviewed here), talks a lot about smartphones and social media being a “collective action” problem—where individual families don’t want to opt out of smartphones for fear of hurting their kids socially—but once we can get a critical mass of families to limit them, it becomes easier to say no.

He’s right, but not enough attention is paid to what’s required to reach that critical mass. It takes individual people who are willing to be the odd ones out and to set strict limits that may rankle their teens and even result in awkward ostracism.

The Right Path

But my hope is that, in time, more parents will come around and be willing to do the same thing, so that all of our children benefit. Until that day comes, though, it’s not fun or easy. I wish I could protect my child from the social fall-out of my unorthodox parenting philosophy, but I can’t see an alternative path that makes sense. This is simply what I must do.

I know many of you readers are in the same boat. You, too, also paddling fiercely upstream, choosing not to conform, recognizing the necessity of being an “early adopter” in this burgeoning digital minimalist movement. For you (and those of you who are still gathering the courage to take a stand), I offer the following advice:

Be the parent they need.

You’re the only one with the most direct influence on your child’s life. No one else can set the boundaries as effectively as you. Don’t pass up that opportunity, nor pass on that responsibility to other adults. Just do the necessary work of parenting to the best of your ability.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Choose your path and stick to it. Ignore the naysayers and the doubters who suggest that you’re ruining your kid’s social life or jeopardizing your future relationship or being overly strict. Perhaps the criticisms reflect the critics’ own insecurities about how they’re handling the digital deluge. But it doesn’t really matter. Just do the next right thing.

Remind yourself constantly why you’re doing it.

Arm yourself with knowledge. Always be learning, reading, memorizing, and listening to the facts, statistics, news stories, anecdotes, interviews, books. Be a collector of information that reinforces your parenting approach. It will give you confidence and reassurance that you’re doing the right thing, even when no one else seems to be doing it.

Don’t argue.

When I get pushback from other parents, I don’t engage. I recognize that my approach isn’t for everyone, and that we’re all motivated differently as parents. I don’t wish to force my philosophy on others, but I will happily help parents who ask for it. Rather, my focus is on myself and my own children and doing the best job I can for them, based on my evolving knowledge.

Model the behaviours you expect from your kid.

You can’t not model for your child. Children detect everything. You must live the kind of life you want your children to exhibit, which may mean curbing your own phone use aggressively. This can be challenging. (Read: Adult Screen Resolutions for a New Year)

Keep the big picture in mind.

Your kid might be missing out now, but they’re going to gain so much down the road. My son’s teachers keep telling me he’ll thank me someday. I have to believe it.

Often, I come back to a quote from the American Trappist monk Thomas Merton, who died in 1968. To paraphrase, he said:

“We are unable to choose the age in which we live, but we do have a choice about the attitude we take and about the way and the extent of our participation in it.”

For me, that means pushing phones to the side while defending my children’s right to a play-based childhood.

We don’t have to conform. We don’t have to do this. We can insist on a better life for our children.

You Might Also Like:

Be Present
It’s the Adults, Not the Kids!
On Reclaiming Leisure

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