Talk to Strangers

Because someday a stranger might just be your kid’s greatest ally.

Photo by Timon Studler on Unsplash

My family had an odd experience in Toronto this past weekend. We were walking through a parking garage at the Eaton Centre toward the elevator. The elevator door was closing and my energetic 11-year-old son bolted in. He tried to open the door so the rest of us could follow, but it wouldn’t reopen. We realized he was going somewhere unknown—and we weren’t. Then the door closed and he was gone.

We stood there, stunned, until my husband hopped into a different elevator to go find him and I was left standing in the garage with two kids, missing half my family and trying not to panic. Several long minutes later, the elevator door opened. I saw my son with a woman who said, “Is this it?”

“Yes!” he said, emerging with an expression of relief.

The woman smiled and waved and said, “Don’t worry! I wasn’t going to leave him until we found you. I have two boys of my own.”

I thanked her, then the door closed and she was gone. I quizzed my son about what happened. He said he approached the woman as soon as she entered the elevator on another level and said he’d gotten separated from his family. She said, “OK, I’ll help you. Let’s start with P1.” And that’s when they found us.

I felt both grateful to her for helping him and immensely proud of his ability to talk to a stranger when he needed help. I have always taught my kids that strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet, and that the vast majority of people are good and well-meaning.

If my kids are ever in trouble, they should not struggle alone, but always approach a kind-looking adult and explain their need. At the same time, though, they should trust their gut instinct and know how to extricate themselves from a situation that doesn’t feel right. The advice, “Don’t talk to strangers,” is woefully misguided; a better message would be, “Don’t go off with strangers.” On that day in Toronto, my parenting philosophy was tested in real life, and it worked.

Don’t Fear Strangers

Please, teach your children to talk to strangers. There are many reasons why it’s important.

First, it creates a friendlier and more realistic view of the world. Can you imagine going through life thinking that everyone around is out to get you, wishes you harm, is waiting for an opportunity to enact evil? Not only is that a terrifying and paralyzing worldview for a child to absorb, but it’s grossly inaccurate.

Second, the ability to talk with confidence empowers a child and ultimately protects them more. A child who is confident enough to talk to an adult comes across as less of a victim and harder to manipulate.

Third, the more adults a child engages with on a regular basis, not solely in emergencies, the better that child will become at picking up on social cues and body language and at perceiving the adult’s intentions. They’ll be able to detect who is kind and patient versus who is grumpy and dismissive and who will be more disposed to help.

If we can normalize kids talking to strangers, then strangers will be more inclined to step in and help without fear of repercussion. And knowing that strangers will be there to help our kids if they need it allows us free-range-minded parents to let our kids roam further afield than they might otherwise. I do not see this as outsourcing or neglecting parental responsibility, but doing precisely what kids need us to do in order to develop independence.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

In a recent article for The Atlantic called “The Gravitational Pull of Supervising Kids All the Time,” Stephanie H. Murray wrote that many American adults are uncertain about the authority they have over other people’s kids. “Bystanders, and especially men, are often wary of interacting with children they don’t know, lest they be suspected of ill intentions. Parents don’t trust strangers, and strangers know it.”

I’ve had adults apologize to me for speaking with my child, even when my child has initiated the interaction. This is deeply unfortunate. I want other adults looking out for my kids and their peers, keeping an eye on them to ensure all is well.

How Do You Teach a Child to Talk to Strangers?

Start by having your child engage with adults you know. If I meet someone in a public place and my child approaches us, I introduce my child and expect him to shake hands and say hello while making eye contact. This is basic etiquette.

And they must always, always, ALWAYS respond when an adult addresses them. Even if it’s just “hello,” they are required to say it with eye contact. If someone asks their name, they have to provide it. If someone asks how they’re doing, they must respond clearly and ask the same question in return.

I might sound like an old-fashioned stickler for rules, but this both makes for a more pleasant exchange with the adult and builds their own confidence in their ability to speak to adults. In other words, it’s good for them!

If a child has never carried on small talk with an adult before, in a safe setting under a parent’s supervision, how can you expect them to do it in a highly stressful situation? It would be utterly traumatizing, too great a hurdle for many to overcome.

My kids know our phone numbers off by heart. They know their way around our community and are good at walking, crossing streets, and navigating. Because they’re not on devices, their heads and eyes are up and alert, paying attention to where we’re going, where we park, what our plans are. Sure, some issues might be averted if they had phones, but I’d still want them to know how to handle themselves if those devices ran out of battery, got lost, stolen, or broken. These are basic life skills we’re talking about.

Even though I felt a shiver of panic as my child was whisked away in an elevator in a huge parking garage/shopping complex in a large city we’d just arrived in minutes before, my logical brain knew he’d be perfectly fine, that he was equipped to handle himself calmly and coolly—and he was. Within minutes, he was back, with a confident little grin on his face and a funny story to tell. And I felt reassurance in the goodness of strangers.

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