Your House, Your Rules

A reader asks how to handle other kids' devices.

Reader Question: "I'd love your thoughts on how to handle tech that other kids bring to your house, on outings, to group dinners, etc. I've noticed a growing number of kids whipping out their phones in social settings, and all the others surround them like moths to a flame. Often there's a quick 'Put that away!' from the kid's parent, but it's never enforced.

We had an 11-year-old over to play. We were shocked he had an iPhone—and dismayed he wouldn't put the thing away! He hasn't been over since, and I haven't had the awkward conversation with his parents, who I'm just getting to know."

This is a familiar situation for many parents. Despite our best efforts to curb our own kids' screen time at home, all it takes is a friend with unlimited access to their own device to derail those efforts, at least temporarily.

And because it feels awkward in our culture to "parent" someone else's child, many adults feel uncomfortable speaking up or intervening by taking away another child's device. All too often, we let it go, quietly stewing in silence!

There are a number of ways to handle this. First, realize that, in your house, it's your rules, so it is entirely acceptable to establish a norm within your household and expect guests to conform to it. As adults, we already do this. For example, guests understand they cannot smoke in my house, nor can they walk in and start blasting whatever music they want on a personal speaker. These are basic rules of etiquette that we learn by being told, reminded, and showed by example.

When kids come to visit, you can say to them, in a matter-of-fact and non-judgmental way, "Play dates [or hangouts] are phone-free in this house." This may or may not be something you broach with their parents ahead of time, depending on your level of comfort.

You can set that expectation with your own child in advance, warning them that you'll intervene if you see a phone infiltrating the hangout. Likely, your kid will warn their friend not to use it, because they will want to avoid the embarrassment of you saying something.

Instead of confiscating a kid's phone, which could be awkward, you can ask them to leave it on the kitchen island or dining table, where they still have access but it's less convenient. You could say, "We'll keep devices here," and add your own phone to the heap. Chances are, kids will stand around the table for a few minutes, but then they'll move away. They will come back to check it, but they'll be less inclined to get sucked into it, because it's uncomfortable to stand in a common area.

In a sleepover situation, you can inform other parents that you don't allow phones in the bedroom, so they should not expect to be able to reach their child after a certain time. Tell the parent that they're welcome to text you directly.

What about carpools? In a recent post for After Babel, I shared the following advice from a parent who regularly drives four boys home from basketball practice:

[She] gives them a minute to scroll before putting the devices away for the drive. Initial resistance gave way to delight, with the boys now singing songs and teasing each other good-naturedly. The parent says, “It’s been a joy to watch, and I think they look forward to it.”

I've also heard from parents of kids on traveling sports teams, who feel frustrated that teammates pull out phones during group dinners at restaurants. One idea is to talk to the coach about making a rule that no phones are allowed at the dinner table—an entirely reasonable request. I heard about one coach who passes around a basket to collect phones at the start of the meal, which enables everyone to relax and focus on having a good time.

Keep in mind that these team bonding moments are often the best part of the experience. Kids rehash highlights and challenges, strategize for the next game, and connect with each other. We cannot let phones steal these moments from our children.

What About Other People's Houses?

Inevitably, parents ask me how to handle screens at other people's houses. Personally, I don't impose my parenting philosophy on other parents who are generously hosting my kids; that feels presumptuous. As a result, my kids do watch movies and YouTube videos and play games, but they come home with a sense of relief that we do things differently. This gives them some exposure to pop culture references, so they're not totally out of the loop, but it doesn't co-opt their time and attention.

It is acceptable to place certain limits on what kids can do or not. My boys aren't allowed to play super-violent games, and I expect them to self-regulate. If you have a young daughter, for example, it is appropriate to communicate to a friend's parent that you don't want her filming TikTok dances and posting them online because you have safety concerns. You can do that in a gentle way that doesn't make the other parent defensive—and might even inspire them to tighen up the rules.

This Is a Gift

I've had parents say they want their kids to come to my house because they know it'll be time away from their phone. The fact is, many parents are deeply concerned about their kids' screen time, but don't want to be the ones to crack down. Many are appreciative of other parents who are willing to do so. It's not fair, but that's how it is.

It might help to reframe your efforts as being more about giving kids back their play time, rather than letting it be stolen from them by a device. Last year, one Analog Family reader offered this amusing analogy:

It's like those YouTube videos of a badger with its head stuck in a plant pot, wandering about banging into things. And then some kind soul removes the pot and the badger scurries off, happy and free. Phones are also like buckets stuck on a child's head for 8 hours a day. Removing them is a humane act. It's a gift, not a punishment.

When you create a firm rule or expectation, you're liberating kids from the lure of the device. Kids desperately need adult-enforced barriers; they can't build them on their own. Opportunities for screen-free play are few and far between these days, so let your home or social gatherings be an oasis for these poor screen-addled kids.

NOTE: I wrote about this topic exactly one year ago: How to Handle Other Kids With Phones

You Might Also Like:

• Move With Purpose

• Seventeen Seconds: Parents, Just Wait!

• Small Acts of Rebellion

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