Great post and advice! If parents can resist the bandwagon irrationality of smartphone adoption for their kids, they would do a great service for all society and not just for their kids. I find this statement to be accurate:
“Kids are not nearly as fragile as we tend to think in Western culture. Their self-esteem will not crumple and dissolve as soon as we tell them “no” or if they’re held to a different standard than their peers. They are not, as Lenore Skenazy once put it, ‘delicate little morons.’”
Not even five year olds are so delicate that we need to isolate and protect them beyond what’s normal like don’t touch a hot stove or pet a dog you don’t know. Just the other day I was in a situation that most people would cringe at.
I was driving 42 kids home from school as part of my regular bus route. I know all the kids by name and during this ride, I had ten five year olds on board. Of course, all the kids are really wonderful and I enjoy my time with them as we drive back and forth over the Golden Gate Bridge every day. Seriously it’s a great gig as a retired teacher. However, this particular afternoon the five-year-old-cohort decided that continuously screaming was something fun and normal. I wasn’t amused especially while navigating traffic to have piercing, puncturing screams assault my eardrums. I simply couldn’t pull over to immediately deal with it. And, yes, I am the only adult on the bus as is the case for most school bus drivers!
So, I steeled myself with determined patience and waited until I could safely pull over and when I did, those five year olds heard my “scream” albeit much more moderated, focused and controlled but forceful and direct. They listened, they understood why I was angry, and responded to my questions as to why they cannot scream on the bus. Where they
startled? Probably. They never saw me be that direct and forceful but that’s not the point of my writing this.
The point is that kids are not fragile. They adapt and learn and push against real and imagined boundaries all the time. It’s the adults in their lives that must show them what is good, right and healthy even if that means taking a hardline approach once in a while.
What I appreciate about this post from Katherine Johnson Martinko is her “script-flipping” and asking her kids what smartphones are doing to their peers. It’s truly devastating and has been going on for years. We are numb to its insidious nature and destructive presence in our schools. Parents should not cower when they postpone smartphones in the face of urgent pleas or argumentative teens. All the data and research supports their instincts and in the end their kids will thank them for it but the teachers will thank for it now.
I tell my kids that it's just one of our family rules (no sleep overs, a flip phone when you start driving, a smart phone when you can pay for it yourself) and that every family is different. We also have enough older kids now that can see the effects on their peers and don't like it, so they can speak to their younger siblings about it. It helps when the adults in the house are not glued to their phones so they don't feel like they're missing out. I also think it helps to ask how such-n-such app or whatnot will support their values (what are their values) and to consider ahead of time when and how long they will use whatever feature. Digital Minimalism is a book that has great applications like that, and might be useful to foster some good conversations.
I'm so glad you answered this! I feel more prepared and confident now, especially since the time to mention TikTok has already started in small doses. I’m saving this article as a reminder!
Great post and advice! If parents can resist the bandwagon irrationality of smartphone adoption for their kids, they would do a great service for all society and not just for their kids. I find this statement to be accurate:
“Kids are not nearly as fragile as we tend to think in Western culture. Their self-esteem will not crumple and dissolve as soon as we tell them “no” or if they’re held to a different standard than their peers. They are not, as Lenore Skenazy once put it, ‘delicate little morons.’”
Not even five year olds are so delicate that we need to isolate and protect them beyond what’s normal like don’t touch a hot stove or pet a dog you don’t know. Just the other day I was in a situation that most people would cringe at.
I was driving 42 kids home from school as part of my regular bus route. I know all the kids by name and during this ride, I had ten five year olds on board. Of course, all the kids are really wonderful and I enjoy my time with them as we drive back and forth over the Golden Gate Bridge every day. Seriously it’s a great gig as a retired teacher. However, this particular afternoon the five-year-old-cohort decided that continuously screaming was something fun and normal. I wasn’t amused especially while navigating traffic to have piercing, puncturing screams assault my eardrums. I simply couldn’t pull over to immediately deal with it. And, yes, I am the only adult on the bus as is the case for most school bus drivers!
So, I steeled myself with determined patience and waited until I could safely pull over and when I did, those five year olds heard my “scream” albeit much more moderated, focused and controlled but forceful and direct. They listened, they understood why I was angry, and responded to my questions as to why they cannot scream on the bus. Where they
startled? Probably. They never saw me be that direct and forceful but that’s not the point of my writing this.
The point is that kids are not fragile. They adapt and learn and push against real and imagined boundaries all the time. It’s the adults in their lives that must show them what is good, right and healthy even if that means taking a hardline approach once in a while.
What I appreciate about this post from Katherine Johnson Martinko is her “script-flipping” and asking her kids what smartphones are doing to their peers. It’s truly devastating and has been going on for years. We are numb to its insidious nature and destructive presence in our schools. Parents should not cower when they postpone smartphones in the face of urgent pleas or argumentative teens. All the data and research supports their instincts and in the end their kids will thank them for it but the teachers will thank for it now.
I tell my kids that it's just one of our family rules (no sleep overs, a flip phone when you start driving, a smart phone when you can pay for it yourself) and that every family is different. We also have enough older kids now that can see the effects on their peers and don't like it, so they can speak to their younger siblings about it. It helps when the adults in the house are not glued to their phones so they don't feel like they're missing out. I also think it helps to ask how such-n-such app or whatnot will support their values (what are their values) and to consider ahead of time when and how long they will use whatever feature. Digital Minimalism is a book that has great applications like that, and might be useful to foster some good conversations.
Thank you for sharing the book recommendation and your experience, I appreciate it!
This is a great article. I agree that organized resistance to smartphones is necessary.
Read more here:
https://swiftenterprises.substack.com/p/computational-independence
I'm so glad you answered this! I feel more prepared and confident now, especially since the time to mention TikTok has already started in small doses. I’m saving this article as a reminder!