'Why Can't I Have a Smartphone?'
A reader asks for advice on how to talk to kids who feel left out.
“How do I explain to my child when she comes home and says that everyone has a smartphone? That’s my main concern—what approach should I take?”
This question, posed by an Analog Family reader, is a question on every parent’s mind. How do you tell a child that they’re the odd one out, the outlier, the exception to the rule? This is deeply uncomfortable territory for any parent, even a strict one. It’s not fun to be a parent whose decisions cause your child to feel singled out.
I am a parent who has this conversation periodically with my three children, who are 9, 12, and 15. Without fail, it comes up at the start of each school year, when they see classmates who have become proud new owners of shiny smartphones over the summer—and they wonder why they, too, cannot join the ranks of screen-worshippers.
Here’s roughly how our conversation goes. I tell them about the harms associated with excessive screen time, but this is not the focus of our conversation. Kids are not interested in statistics or studies. Their eyes glaze over, as if I’m lecturing them. So, while I do mention key findings that bolster my own resolve, I often flip the narrative back onto them.
Ask About Their Peers
“How are your classmates doing with their phones?” I ask. “Have you seen any phone-related drama lately?”
And then the stories start to trickle out.
Just last week, my one son told me about a girl in his class who filmed a drunken video clip professing love for a classmate. She sent it to the classmate, and he sent it to a small group of friends. On Monday morning, one of those friends walked through the cafeteria with his phone held high in the air, shouting, “Everyone, turn on your Airdrop! Check this out!” And just like that, the girl’s mistake was amplified for the entire school to see and laugh at. My son watched the whole thing happen.
“How do you think she felt?” I asked my kids.
“Terrible.”
“How’s she acting in class?”
“She’s not talking to anyone.”
I find this script-flipping tactic is effective because, when it comes to the damage caused by phones, the kids know it even better than parents do. They’re seeing it firsthand, every day, and if they’re even remotely perceptive, they will know there’s something deeply wrong with the status quo.
This is reflected in some of Jonathan Haidt’s latest research. In an article for the New York Times titled “Gen Z Has Regrets,” he points out that almost all North American teenagers use social media platforms for an average of 5 hours daily—and many respondents to a nationally representative survey say they wish the main social media platforms had never been invented. These respondents were between 18 and 27, which suggests they may have more maturity in retrospection than a 13- or 15-year-old might, but the point is that young people know these platforms are hurting them.
It’s OK to Be Different
Then I remind my kids that just because everyone else is doing something does not automatically mean it’s the right thing to do. It may mean it’s trendy and/or easy, but that’s about it. There’s nothing wrong with growing up in a family that has stricter rules than the general public; in fact, it’s likely a good sign. I was the only kid in my school without a TV in the ‘90s, and that felt weird and uncomfortable at times, but I survived. I’m grateful for it now.
Kids are not nearly as fragile as we tend to think in Western culture. Their self-esteem will not crumple and dissolve as soon as we tell them “no” or if they’re held to a different standard than their peers. They are not, as Lenore Skenazy once put it, “delicate little morons.” Their default mode is adaptability and resilience, and they can withstand a few more years of phonelessness, particularly if their real life—their offline life—is sufficiently interesting and stimulating.
A Positive Reframing
This leads to another thing that we talk about—all the amazing things they are doing with the time they’re not spending on those 5+ hours a day online. I strive to reframe their phone-free status as a positive thing they are gaining, i.e., control over their time, thoughts, relationships, emotions, attention, academic and athletic performance, sleep, etc., rather than something they’re missing out on.
Again, we come back to the peers. I ask, “Do you think they’re really happy? Do you think they feel satisfied, spending that much time scrolling online, posting selfies, Snapchatting pointless photos of the ceiling? Do you really want that for yourself?”
The reclutant answer, always, is no.
A Parent Must Protect
I tell my kids that it’s my job to protect them from things that I understand to be a threat to their well-being. If I didn’t do that, I’d be failing them as a parent. I have to do what I know to be right. They may not like it; they may never agree; but it’s not my job to convince them of that. It’s not forever: They will be free to do things differently once they are independent.
Going back to the original question, I would say that I don’t spend a whole lot of time explaining my rationale for delaying smartphone ownership because kids aren’t all that rational. They don’t want to be convinced of my arguments. So I appeal more to what they already know to be true (that many of their peers aren’t thriving) and to a broader sense of perspective, reminding them of how good and interesting their lives already are and how smartphones, aka “experience blockers”, would get in the way of that.
Being a parent is always hard work, but it feels especially challenging when you’re fighting against smartphone culture in this day and age. But if we don’t do this for our kids, no one else will. We parents must get comfortable with being uncomfortable, with being the gatekeepers our children need so desperately.
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Great post and advice! If parents can resist the bandwagon irrationality of smartphone adoption for their kids, they would do a great service for all society and not just for their kids. I find this statement to be accurate:
“Kids are not nearly as fragile as we tend to think in Western culture. Their self-esteem will not crumple and dissolve as soon as we tell them “no” or if they’re held to a different standard than their peers. They are not, as Lenore Skenazy once put it, ‘delicate little morons.’”
Not even five year olds are so delicate that we need to isolate and protect them beyond what’s normal like don’t touch a hot stove or pet a dog you don’t know. Just the other day I was in a situation that most people would cringe at.
I was driving 42 kids home from school as part of my regular bus route. I know all the kids by name and during this ride, I had ten five year olds on board. Of course, all the kids are really wonderful and I enjoy my time with them as we drive back and forth over the Golden Gate Bridge every day. Seriously it’s a great gig as a retired teacher. However, this particular afternoon the five-year-old-cohort decided that continuously screaming was something fun and normal. I wasn’t amused especially while navigating traffic to have piercing, puncturing screams assault my eardrums. I simply couldn’t pull over to immediately deal with it. And, yes, I am the only adult on the bus as is the case for most school bus drivers!
So, I steeled myself with determined patience and waited until I could safely pull over and when I did, those five year olds heard my “scream” albeit much more moderated, focused and controlled but forceful and direct. They listened, they understood why I was angry, and responded to my questions as to why they cannot scream on the bus. Where they
startled? Probably. They never saw me be that direct and forceful but that’s not the point of my writing this.
The point is that kids are not fragile. They adapt and learn and push against real and imagined boundaries all the time. It’s the adults in their lives that must show them what is good, right and healthy even if that means taking a hardline approach once in a while.
What I appreciate about this post from Katherine Johnson Martinko is her “script-flipping” and asking her kids what smartphones are doing to their peers. It’s truly devastating and has been going on for years. We are numb to its insidious nature and destructive presence in our schools. Parents should not cower when they postpone smartphones in the face of urgent pleas or argumentative teens. All the data and research supports their instincts and in the end their kids will thank them for it but the teachers will thank for it now.
I tell my kids that it's just one of our family rules (no sleep overs, a flip phone when you start driving, a smart phone when you can pay for it yourself) and that every family is different. We also have enough older kids now that can see the effects on their peers and don't like it, so they can speak to their younger siblings about it. It helps when the adults in the house are not glued to their phones so they don't feel like they're missing out. I also think it helps to ask how such-n-such app or whatnot will support their values (what are their values) and to consider ahead of time when and how long they will use whatever feature. Digital Minimalism is a book that has great applications like that, and might be useful to foster some good conversations.