I would add a thought about retreating to be alone vs. always gathering together in the main part of the house: that some of this is dependent on personality and family energy/activity level. Retreating to be alone more often may be more needed in a family where there are some introverted folks (especially when you're homeschooling or just with littles and the kids and you are *always* together). Sometimes too much togetherness can lead to exasperation and anxiety. Thus, it's not always going to be helpful to seek to increase the time spent together (although of course, we do need lots of time together).
I have found that teaching coping skills for when you are "peopled out" can also sometimes help reduce conflict and anxiety. For example, each of my kids has one place in the house (their room, but it would have to be a different place if they shared bedrooms -- our house is oddly laid-out and we have several small bedrooms instead of a few big ones) where they can go if they want to be alone. No sibling is allowed to come in without permission. That way I can say, "If you want to be alone, you can go into your room." I.e. you can't expect to be left alone if you are not in your room. But if you do need to be alone, you can be alone there.
I have some kids who just need breaks from socializing/big groups. Even at church, one of my children benefits from permission to step outside for a little break from the crowd. I benefit from such breaks, myself. So something to keep in mind for those families for whom increased togetherness does not seem to work to reduce conflict or improve sibling relationships.
Yes, great additional thoughts Dixie! All three of our kids are a bit more introverted, needing time on their own to read, write, daydream in order to refuel for togetherness.
Really appreciate this article, this part stood out with me the most “there are many other actions that I undertake, deliberately and consciously, to promote and develop their sibling relationships.” I feel this so deeply.
Our boys are 11 & 6, and we homeschool- so our kids have always spent most of their days with one another- which truly has been a gift- though difficult at times because of all the sibling squabbles. It’s helped us have the time to work thru hardships & enjoy activities all together.
We’ve really had to guide them to not only respecting one another, but how to communicate with each other because of the age gaps. But their friendship truly is blossoming even with the large age gap.
It takes so much intentional, extra work from my husband & I and it’s not all sunshine. It’s a lot of bickering, arguing, not sharing, squabbles, and we don’t always get it right. Our family isn’t shy about needing to apologize & sort thru difficult moments. But I hope it’s outlining a healthy way for them to implement these kinds of skills in other friendships down the road.
This is wonderful and it’s pretty much how I raised my kids. It’s so refreshing to hear a parent with some common sense. Sometimes I am horrified to see the lack of just basic parenting these days. I’m really glad I found your page on here!
I believe Let Grow is more about overcoming obstacles of real life, crossing the road, arranging yourself a breakfast, finding a bandage for a cut, calling a parent of your friend to arrange or ask something. These are small (and big) things that modern children are deprived of and this is what Let Grow is all about.
What Katherine is talking about here is more of an internal turmoil of a kid / teenager who needs guidance about his feelings and figuring out the aftermath of a difficult emotional situation or social dynamic.
The famous book “Hold on to your kids: Why Parents are more important than peers” by Gordon Neufield PhD talks a lot about it.
And if you need to draw the distinguishing line between giving kids their independence and supporting them another book by Dr. Sax “The Collapse of Parenting” can help. In it a child psychologist with decades of experience explains in great details how and when to step back to Let Them Grow.
I just bought these recs. thank you! I also just read Leadership and Self-Deception. It's not a parenting book but it's foundation is from a parent who learned relational skills from a treatment center and it changed his business and improved his fractured relationship with his young son. I am also a supporter of equine strategies/therapy to learn how to balance these nuances in relationships. I wrote a piece about what equine therapy taught me last year in case someone is interested.
Thanks for this awesome insight into sibling relationships. I agree with you that there is way more than luck involved. I have three kids (younger than yours) and we bridge the gender gap with 1 boy/2 girls but we are following much of your advice already and I am optimistic that their relationships with each other will continue to flourish.
I am not sure how she would give us parents of "onlys" tips when she has three kids!
My husband and I look to families with one child who are further along than we are. I have a few older cousins who were only children, so we talk to them and their parents about their experiences. In our neighborhood, we talk to families with only children who are still school age and pay attention to how they do things. Our son is only four but when he is older, we plan to encourage him to invite a friend on vacations and outings. Currently, we often take him to family and friend events where he is the only little kid and allow him to play independently and develop relationships with people of all ages. If there are 25 adults at a bbq, and he spends 5 to 10 minutes with each person, everyone is happy.
I'm here in the midst of summer reading this! I have a 7 and 3 year old. This morning I put the one tv in the garage. We pulled out all their toys and created play stations ALL over the house. There really is an art or choreography you have to layout for siblings to find their way. It's messy, at times, but worth seeing how they can resolve their conflicts. Something else that helps us is to have parent date night/days with our kids. We alternate and each take a kid to do a fancy dinner/sport event/picnics/breakfast. Our family vacation is 3 weeks out so my plan is to have as much unstructured play time the next three weeks.
I think you're also getting at the idea that it's not just family culture, but how to engage in a relationship with the world at large. Something that is being eroded by social media and all the tech... love this.
I found this article very comforting. My husband and I want to have kids soon but I am scared of creating a toxic environment between siblings.
My sister and I have always had a very difficult relationship. She is six years younger than me and our parents did not do a good job navigating that age gap. Because I was older, I was able to verbally dominate my sister in arguments which in turn made our mom very protective of her. As a result my sister grew up with very little consequences for rudeness and I grew up feeling as though my mother favored my sister which made me resentful of her in turn.
How would you recommend creating an environment where all siblings feel heard and respected by their parents?
A rule of thumb we use was not to put a baby in a bedroom with a child younger than 3.5 years old. The under 3.5 year just won’t understand dangers of putting things in with the baby (like a pillow or stuffed animals etc). They also can’t anticipate long term consequences — so telling them not to do something and enforcing a rule (i.e., don’t touch your younger sibling when they are in the crib) is impossible until they are old enough to understand consequences. We have four under seven and have found this to be a helpful rule. As soon as the oldest one was 3.5, we started room sharing. The baby was in a walk-in closet or bathroom (in a pack ‘n play) for a while!
Wonderful!
I would add a thought about retreating to be alone vs. always gathering together in the main part of the house: that some of this is dependent on personality and family energy/activity level. Retreating to be alone more often may be more needed in a family where there are some introverted folks (especially when you're homeschooling or just with littles and the kids and you are *always* together). Sometimes too much togetherness can lead to exasperation and anxiety. Thus, it's not always going to be helpful to seek to increase the time spent together (although of course, we do need lots of time together).
I have found that teaching coping skills for when you are "peopled out" can also sometimes help reduce conflict and anxiety. For example, each of my kids has one place in the house (their room, but it would have to be a different place if they shared bedrooms -- our house is oddly laid-out and we have several small bedrooms instead of a few big ones) where they can go if they want to be alone. No sibling is allowed to come in without permission. That way I can say, "If you want to be alone, you can go into your room." I.e. you can't expect to be left alone if you are not in your room. But if you do need to be alone, you can be alone there.
I have some kids who just need breaks from socializing/big groups. Even at church, one of my children benefits from permission to step outside for a little break from the crowd. I benefit from such breaks, myself. So something to keep in mind for those families for whom increased togetherness does not seem to work to reduce conflict or improve sibling relationships.
Yes, great additional thoughts Dixie! All three of our kids are a bit more introverted, needing time on their own to read, write, daydream in order to refuel for togetherness.
Really appreciate this article, this part stood out with me the most “there are many other actions that I undertake, deliberately and consciously, to promote and develop their sibling relationships.” I feel this so deeply.
Our boys are 11 & 6, and we homeschool- so our kids have always spent most of their days with one another- which truly has been a gift- though difficult at times because of all the sibling squabbles. It’s helped us have the time to work thru hardships & enjoy activities all together.
We’ve really had to guide them to not only respecting one another, but how to communicate with each other because of the age gaps. But their friendship truly is blossoming even with the large age gap.
It takes so much intentional, extra work from my husband & I and it’s not all sunshine. It’s a lot of bickering, arguing, not sharing, squabbles, and we don’t always get it right. Our family isn’t shy about needing to apologize & sort thru difficult moments. But I hope it’s outlining a healthy way for them to implement these kinds of skills in other friendships down the road.
This is wonderful and it’s pretty much how I raised my kids. It’s so refreshing to hear a parent with some common sense. Sometimes I am horrified to see the lack of just basic parenting these days. I’m really glad I found your page on here!
> A child alone with a problem has an emergency.
Hmm. That’s a sharp difference from how the Let Grow people would think. When is it OK to step back and let them solve things between themselves?
I believe Let Grow is more about overcoming obstacles of real life, crossing the road, arranging yourself a breakfast, finding a bandage for a cut, calling a parent of your friend to arrange or ask something. These are small (and big) things that modern children are deprived of and this is what Let Grow is all about.
What Katherine is talking about here is more of an internal turmoil of a kid / teenager who needs guidance about his feelings and figuring out the aftermath of a difficult emotional situation or social dynamic.
The famous book “Hold on to your kids: Why Parents are more important than peers” by Gordon Neufield PhD talks a lot about it.
And if you need to draw the distinguishing line between giving kids their independence and supporting them another book by Dr. Sax “The Collapse of Parenting” can help. In it a child psychologist with decades of experience explains in great details how and when to step back to Let Them Grow.
I just bought these recs. thank you! I also just read Leadership and Self-Deception. It's not a parenting book but it's foundation is from a parent who learned relational skills from a treatment center and it changed his business and improved his fractured relationship with his young son. I am also a supporter of equine strategies/therapy to learn how to balance these nuances in relationships. I wrote a piece about what equine therapy taught me last year in case someone is interested.
Thank you for the recommendations!
Thanks for this awesome insight into sibling relationships. I agree with you that there is way more than luck involved. I have three kids (younger than yours) and we bridge the gender gap with 1 boy/2 girls but we are following much of your advice already and I am optimistic that their relationships with each other will continue to flourish.
Nice article, would have appreciated a few helpful tips for those of us who only has a single child.
I am not sure how she would give us parents of "onlys" tips when she has three kids!
My husband and I look to families with one child who are further along than we are. I have a few older cousins who were only children, so we talk to them and their parents about their experiences. In our neighborhood, we talk to families with only children who are still school age and pay attention to how they do things. Our son is only four but when he is older, we plan to encourage him to invite a friend on vacations and outings. Currently, we often take him to family and friend events where he is the only little kid and allow him to play independently and develop relationships with people of all ages. If there are 25 adults at a bbq, and he spends 5 to 10 minutes with each person, everyone is happy.
Agreed!
I'm here in the midst of summer reading this! I have a 7 and 3 year old. This morning I put the one tv in the garage. We pulled out all their toys and created play stations ALL over the house. There really is an art or choreography you have to layout for siblings to find their way. It's messy, at times, but worth seeing how they can resolve their conflicts. Something else that helps us is to have parent date night/days with our kids. We alternate and each take a kid to do a fancy dinner/sport event/picnics/breakfast. Our family vacation is 3 weeks out so my plan is to have as much unstructured play time the next three weeks.
I think you're also getting at the idea that it's not just family culture, but how to engage in a relationship with the world at large. Something that is being eroded by social media and all the tech... love this.
I found this article very comforting. My husband and I want to have kids soon but I am scared of creating a toxic environment between siblings.
My sister and I have always had a very difficult relationship. She is six years younger than me and our parents did not do a good job navigating that age gap. Because I was older, I was able to verbally dominate my sister in arguments which in turn made our mom very protective of her. As a result my sister grew up with very little consequences for rudeness and I grew up feeling as though my mother favored my sister which made me resentful of her in turn.
How would you recommend creating an environment where all siblings feel heard and respected by their parents?
Have you posted about room sharing? Trying to figure out when to move my infant, currently 4 months into my 2 year old toddlers room.
A rule of thumb we use was not to put a baby in a bedroom with a child younger than 3.5 years old. The under 3.5 year just won’t understand dangers of putting things in with the baby (like a pillow or stuffed animals etc). They also can’t anticipate long term consequences — so telling them not to do something and enforcing a rule (i.e., don’t touch your younger sibling when they are in the crib) is impossible until they are old enough to understand consequences. We have four under seven and have found this to be a helpful rule. As soon as the oldest one was 3.5, we started room sharing. The baby was in a walk-in closet or bathroom (in a pack ‘n play) for a while!
Others may have other insights, though.
A crib tent may be an option to keep baby safe, too. We haven’t done that, though.