Sibling Camaraderie

Some thoughts on how to promote a family environment where siblings get along

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

A warm welcome to the many readers who have subscribed since last week, when Jonathan Haidt and Zach Rausch kindly invited me to write a guest post for their newsletter, After Babel. My own Substack has seen a flurry of activity as a result. The post was titled, “Modern Luddites: On Being a Digital Minimalist Family in a Tech-Saturated World,” and I urge you to check it out if you haven’t already.  

I have read numerous thought-provoking responses in the days since publication. One that I’ve mulled over in particular came from X, where Caroline McCarthy wrote that the thing that stood out most to her about my story was that my three boys, “relatively close in age, all seem to get along well.” She continued:

“It seems like that’s a pretty important part of why she’s able to pull it off. It also feels like she’s extremely lucky in this department, by the way! I know plenty of people from big families with kids in quick succession who grew up absolutely hating each other for reasons the parents didn’t expect and couldn’t control.”

I thought this was extremely insightful. I agree that my kids’ general sense of camaraderie is a huge part of my family’s success with digital minimalism, but I would push back against the suggestion that it is pure luck. It is true that some fluke factors have helped—namely, having three boys fairly close in age who share similar interests—but there are many other actions that I undertake, deliberately and consciously, to promote and develop their sibling relationships.

An Obligation of Respect

One is insisting that they always treat each other with respect. When I was young, I witnessed friends slamming doors on their siblings, screaming “I hate you,” and calling each other “stupid.” They got away with it—and this always made me uncomfortable.

I tell my kids that they may not like each other every minute, nor do they have to be each other’s best friend, but they cannot be mean or rude or disrespectful. And if anyone is struggling with that, then they must remove themselves from the interaction until they are ready to behave with kindness.

Playmates By Default

I would say, too, that not having phones, social media, or TV promotes a closer and more engaged family culture. Because my children cannot slip into frictionless, digital-based entertainment at the mere touch of a button—and, by extension, disconnect from each other—they are forced to rely on each other for amusement, for conversation, and even for consolation at times. They must team up to engage in real life because there is no alternative.

It is not unlike online dating, where the temptation to swipe left and reject someone for the tantalizing possibility of a better option makes it harder to commit to whoever is right in front of you. Screen-free siblings cannot retreat to a virtual world where their highly edited or curated playmates are perceived as more desirable than the flawed humans who exist in their immediate vicinity. In that regard, a sibling relationship is similar to an established romantic relationship; it is present, it is real, and it is only as good as the effort you put into it, assuming a foundation of mutual respect is there.

Family Centrism

I have always emphasized family centrism over peer centrism. Years ago, I read Sherry Turkle’s excellent book, Reclaiming Conversation, in which she describes a natural shift that occurs in pre-teens and teens, when they start wanting to spend more time with peers than family. But Turkle cautions against it, pointing out that kids typically need their families more than they need their peers. We don’t want “teens raising other teens,” nor should we deprive our children of parental wisdom and focused attention when they need it most.

One line I’ve never forgotten: “A child alone with a problem has an emergency. A child in conversation with a grown-up is facing a moment in life and learning how to cope with it.”

This does not mean that peer friendships don’t matter. They are important, too, but no more than spending time together as a family. Realizing this has made me comfortable with saying no to repeated hangouts with friends when they get in the way of important family-centric activities. I make a point of planning things for us to do together that build connection. Whether it is as simple as sitting down together for dinner or as special as a big family trip, these things are what I call “family glue,” fun or meaningful touchpoints that unify us, generate inside jokes or shared memories, and remind us of why we appreciate each other.

Some additional practical thoughts:

My kids have always shared rooms, and this has been a wonderful thing. They have done it since infancy, in various combinations, and because our house only has three bedrooms, two will always share until the oldest moves out. This has made them closer. I can hear them whispering until they fall asleep at night. They are learning how to share a space together, which seems to make them more patient and understanding.

We also tend to inhabit the common areas of our home. No one retreats to a private bedroom or playroom to spend prolonged periods of time. Because the kids do not have a digital entertainment source, they predictably wander into the kitchen where I’m cooking, or into the living room where I’m reading, or out to the backyard where I’m watering plants or visiting with friends. Like moths to a flame, they gravitate toward the action (sometimes annoyingly so, when I crave a bit of solitude!), but that is a small price to pay for kids who are present and engaged with me and with each other.

Finally, please know that it is not all smooth sailing! This is plenty of fighting among my three boys, and sometimes it can get aggressive and physical. I do my best to break it up, to mete out appropriate punishments where deserved, and often resort to sending them all outside until they’re ready to behave in a more appropriate manner. Their emotions run hot, but cool quickly.

No doubt there are some young siblings who simply cannot get along, for whatever reason, but I do think that parental expectations can make a big difference. Home is a training ground for the outside world, and learning how to get along with siblings, despite their quirks and irritations, is one of the most practical lessons a child can ever learn.

You Might Also Like:

The Benefits of Summer Camp
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Let Them Have Silence

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