I've Finally Figured Out When My Kids Can Get Smartphones
I've Finally Figured Out When My Kids Can Get Smartphones
Jean Twenge shared a personal parenting rule that makes perfect sense.
When I was deep in the process of researching and writing Childhood Unplugged, I contacted a lot of experts for interviews. One person I really wanted to talk to was Jean Twenge, the well-known psychologist and author of iGen and, most recently, Generations. Twenge is a professor at San Diego State University who doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to blaming smartphones and social media for the decline in teens’ mental wellbeing over the past decade. Her research is extensive and in-depth and fascinating.
I wanted to ask Twenge one question in particular: What are the smartphone rules for her own three teenage daughters? I was familiar with her academic research, but I was curious about her personal life as a mother. Unfortunately, she did not respond to my request for interview, but just a few weeks ago, I listened to a podcast episode in which she answered exactly what I’d wanted to know. Her response made perfect sense to me.
Twenge said, “In my house, the rule is, you don’t get a smartphone until you get a driver’s license.” In other words, you can have a smartphone at age sixteen.
The interviewer asked how it was going. Twenge responded:
“It’s going pretty well. My oldest is 17. She got her driver’s license about month after she turned 16. We actually put off [getting a smartphone] even longer for her. She had a flip phone for a while, even after she got her driver’s license. But you know, with the Maps app and other things, it was increasingly impractical for her to just have that flip phone. So, she got the smartphone. And I'm really glad that we put it off.”
What’s fascinating to me is the underlying message that handling a smartphone is a responsibility on par with driving a vehicle. In other words, if you’re mature enough to operate a 4,000-pound hunk of steel traveling at high speed, then you’re ready to navigate the minefields of distraction and emotional manipulation offered by that tiny shard of glass and metal in your pocket. They may seem utterly unalike, and yet they both pose risks to individuals and the surrounding community.
Smartphone ≠ Social Media
Twenge went on to say that, despite her daughter owning a smartphone, she still does not have social media:
“That’s another thing. Try to put that off as long as possible. I think most people don’t know that kids aren’t supposed to be on social media at all until they’re 13. It’s actually the law. And it’d be even better to put it off until 16 or even older, because 13 is a terrible age to try to introduce social media.”
There is a tendency to assume that smartphones are synonymous with social media, simply because they support the apps that allow easy access, but there is no reason to do that. A teen can own a smartphone and not have social media on it; they can also have social media accounts that are only accessible from a computer, which reduces the temptation to check incessantly. As a parent, you could absolutely give your teen a smartphone and forbid social media, reserving the device instead for the other uses that make it such an impressive tool.
Delay, Delay, Delay!
Many people are reluctant to place an absolute age on when it is “safe” to give a kid a smartphone. It’s incredibly vague. Societally, we are guided mainly by peer pressure and our kids begging for devices just because “everyone else has one” and we don’t want them to feel left out, even though the evidence is piling up that smartphones are bad for kids. (Same with social media: We assume that because the tech companies that control the platforms tell us 13 is a safe age, it must be. It is not.)
An interesting/alarming study from Sapien Labs came out last summer. I’ve mentioned it before, but it deserves repeating. It showed that the younger a child is when they get their first smartphone, the worse their long-term mental health outcomes. “This is true in all the regions studied (the survey is offered in English, Spanish, French, German, Portuguese, Arabic, Hindi, and Swahili), and the relationships are consistently stronger for women” (via Haidt).
So, What’s the Answer?
I’ve been asked countless times in interviews when I’ll give my kids a phone (they’ve been asking the same thing for years), and my answer is always, “I don’t know—just not yet.” It wasn’t to avoid being held accountable; it’s just that I genuinely didn’t know, but my gut told me it was still far too soon. I wrote a lengthy post last May called “When Should I Give My Kid a Phone?” and an op-ed for the Globe and Mail that explored the question in greater depth.
But now I do know. I feel as though I’ve finally had a breakthrough, thanks to Twenge. My kids will get their first smartphone after they get their driver’s license at 16. For my oldest, that will be the summer before grade 11. There will be no social media apps allowed, even at that point. Social media is something they can get at 18 or when they leave home.
It is refreshing to hear a renowned researcher in this field issue a firm rule for parenting. I intend to take it to heart, and I hope many of you do, too. The more of us delaying smartphone ownership, the more it becomes normalized, and the easier it is for all.
Related: I wrote another post inspired by Twenge’s podcast interview called “Consider the Washing Machine.”
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I now have five children aged 17 and older. None of them were given a smartphone (and quite frankly, they didn't care...they see their friends in person). Upon getting a driver's license, we pay for a flip phone. They can buy themselves a smartphone (and the monthly fee for it) when they have a job that enables them to do so. A few have dabbled in social media but all of them have abandoned it. It's interesting how my 17yo son recognizes and laments so many of his peers being so engrossed in and hypnotized by a tiny screen.
Interesting post! There's so much parents have to consider from screen time (and I mean all screens, I think some people don't realize a TV is a screen), laptops, video games, smart phones, and I'm sure there's more.
I, don't want to be a Luddite or a hypocrite since I use a laptop a few days a week, smart phone every day, a kindle and rarely an iPad. But, I think I'll go by my childhood. We used desktops to learn about the computer in 5th grade. Then we learned to type in 8th grade. High school, pretty much no usage until 11th/12th with the occasional typed paper.
I got a cell phone at 14, smart phone/tablet at 16. I used them both way too much and am probably a high functioning socially awkward person as a result. I like Twenges ideas on smart phone age and social media. I was pretty addicted to a phone that could only text and call, so I think some children just aren't ready until closer to 18.