I now have five children aged 17 and older. None of them were given a smartphone (and quite frankly, they didn't care...they see their friends in person). Upon getting a driver's license, we pay for a flip phone. They can buy themselves a smartphone (and the monthly fee for it) when they have a job that enables them to do so. A few have dabbled in social media but all of them have abandoned it. It's interesting how my 17yo son recognizes and laments so many of his peers being so engrossed in and hypnotized by a tiny screen.
Thanks for your comment. You raise a great point that I wish I had clarified in my post—that 16 is the minimum age I'd consider letting my kids get their own phone! Like yours, they would certainly be responsible for paying for it, even at that point. I'm also hoping that, like your son, as time passes, they will recognize more of the negative effects of social media on their friends and realize how lucky they are to be spared that mess.
Interesting post! There's so much parents have to consider from screen time (and I mean all screens, I think some people don't realize a TV is a screen), laptops, video games, smart phones, and I'm sure there's more.
I, don't want to be a Luddite or a hypocrite since I use a laptop a few days a week, smart phone every day, a kindle and rarely an iPad. But, I think I'll go by my childhood. We used desktops to learn about the computer in 5th grade. Then we learned to type in 8th grade. High school, pretty much no usage until 11th/12th with the occasional typed paper.
I got a cell phone at 14, smart phone/tablet at 16. I used them both way too much and am probably a high functioning socially awkward person as a result. I like Twenges ideas on smart phone age and social media. I was pretty addicted to a phone that could only text and call, so I think some children just aren't ready until closer to 18.
We also waited to give our daughter a smart phone until 16 (because she was starting university then). It was profoundly helpful to have developed a preference for "real life" throughout her childhood and teens, which has a protective effect even once the phone is introduced. Having friends that also commit to staying off social media is tremendously valuable. Our son (who will be turning 16 soon) is not interested in getting a phone (even a flip phone), because he simply does not feel the need for one. He sees his friends almost daily (calls them by landline) and is engaged in school, work, and lots of physical activity with this friends. Thanks for highlighting Jean Twenge's response to this question :)
NGL I find myself incredibly confused by putting smartphones on par with driving. Do your kids not have computers, then?
My kid has had a smartphone since 10 and hardly uses it. It's just a tiny less powerful computer and so he mostly prefers his computer; I have to remind him to charge it and keep it with him when we leave him home alone for short periods. We don't have a landline so it's his only way to call 999 in the event of an emergency.
Count yourself lucky! I have not met many (or possibly any) parents whose kids do not struggle with handling a smartphone's addictive pull. To answer your question, my kids do have access to computers, but I view these as less concerning because they're not pocket-sized and highly mobile. My kids can use them to do research or message friends, but then they have to leave them behind when they go out to play.
My child is only three years old, so I have a long way off to consider such questions. Right now, we are committed to keeping him off the iPad for as long as possible. The only exception we make is air travel. We borrow one for trips, so this is an easy rule to maintain.
I teach middle school, and I am surprised by how many parents cave and get their children smartphones for the ease of accessing their children, even though there are ways around that. The other argument I hear is that it is hard for teens to make plans because no one has home phones anymore. Again, seems like there are ways around that.
The only thing that gives me pause about your essay is the fixation of keeping kids off social media until they are 18. I grew up in an oppressively religious upbringing, so I am wary of barring things like social media without understanding who my kid is first. It might not even be an issue by the time he is a teenager, who knows? I would rather have an open and honest relationship with my kid and help them understand why I have placed a boundary (and, depending on his maturity, adjust the boundary if need be) than have hard absolutes. That may just be my religious trauma speaking though.
Thank you, as always, for offering your perspective!
Hello! This is something I think about a lot, since I too was raised in a conservative family where many things were forbidden, which did create some resentment! I think it's important for parents to acknowledge that nothing is ever set in stone; we have the right to change our minds, based on new information—and we often will. From my perspective now, I don't see the benefits of social media outweighing the cons for my kids before age 18, but who knows! It will be an ongoing conversation with them, for sure, and I am open to being challenged/pushed on that as they grow older and wiser. There are workarounds, too, to make it less insidious—like accessing only on a computer or only posting to 24-hr stories or snaps, etc. And no doubt, the platforms themselves will evolve in coming years, hopefully bringing tighter safety controls. We shall see.
I now have five children aged 17 and older. None of them were given a smartphone (and quite frankly, they didn't care...they see their friends in person). Upon getting a driver's license, we pay for a flip phone. They can buy themselves a smartphone (and the monthly fee for it) when they have a job that enables them to do so. A few have dabbled in social media but all of them have abandoned it. It's interesting how my 17yo son recognizes and laments so many of his peers being so engrossed in and hypnotized by a tiny screen.
Thanks for your comment. You raise a great point that I wish I had clarified in my post—that 16 is the minimum age I'd consider letting my kids get their own phone! Like yours, they would certainly be responsible for paying for it, even at that point. I'm also hoping that, like your son, as time passes, they will recognize more of the negative effects of social media on their friends and realize how lucky they are to be spared that mess.
Interesting post! There's so much parents have to consider from screen time (and I mean all screens, I think some people don't realize a TV is a screen), laptops, video games, smart phones, and I'm sure there's more.
I, don't want to be a Luddite or a hypocrite since I use a laptop a few days a week, smart phone every day, a kindle and rarely an iPad. But, I think I'll go by my childhood. We used desktops to learn about the computer in 5th grade. Then we learned to type in 8th grade. High school, pretty much no usage until 11th/12th with the occasional typed paper.
I got a cell phone at 14, smart phone/tablet at 16. I used them both way too much and am probably a high functioning socially awkward person as a result. I like Twenges ideas on smart phone age and social media. I was pretty addicted to a phone that could only text and call, so I think some children just aren't ready until closer to 18.
We also waited to give our daughter a smart phone until 16 (because she was starting university then). It was profoundly helpful to have developed a preference for "real life" throughout her childhood and teens, which has a protective effect even once the phone is introduced. Having friends that also commit to staying off social media is tremendously valuable. Our son (who will be turning 16 soon) is not interested in getting a phone (even a flip phone), because he simply does not feel the need for one. He sees his friends almost daily (calls them by landline) and is engaged in school, work, and lots of physical activity with this friends. Thanks for highlighting Jean Twenge's response to this question :)
It's so nice to hear about other families delaying. And I love what you say about developing a preference for real life. So true!
NGL I find myself incredibly confused by putting smartphones on par with driving. Do your kids not have computers, then?
My kid has had a smartphone since 10 and hardly uses it. It's just a tiny less powerful computer and so he mostly prefers his computer; I have to remind him to charge it and keep it with him when we leave him home alone for short periods. We don't have a landline so it's his only way to call 999 in the event of an emergency.
Count yourself lucky! I have not met many (or possibly any) parents whose kids do not struggle with handling a smartphone's addictive pull. To answer your question, my kids do have access to computers, but I view these as less concerning because they're not pocket-sized and highly mobile. My kids can use them to do research or message friends, but then they have to leave them behind when they go out to play.
My child is only three years old, so I have a long way off to consider such questions. Right now, we are committed to keeping him off the iPad for as long as possible. The only exception we make is air travel. We borrow one for trips, so this is an easy rule to maintain.
I teach middle school, and I am surprised by how many parents cave and get their children smartphones for the ease of accessing their children, even though there are ways around that. The other argument I hear is that it is hard for teens to make plans because no one has home phones anymore. Again, seems like there are ways around that.
The only thing that gives me pause about your essay is the fixation of keeping kids off social media until they are 18. I grew up in an oppressively religious upbringing, so I am wary of barring things like social media without understanding who my kid is first. It might not even be an issue by the time he is a teenager, who knows? I would rather have an open and honest relationship with my kid and help them understand why I have placed a boundary (and, depending on his maturity, adjust the boundary if need be) than have hard absolutes. That may just be my religious trauma speaking though.
Thank you, as always, for offering your perspective!
Hello! This is something I think about a lot, since I too was raised in a conservative family where many things were forbidden, which did create some resentment! I think it's important for parents to acknowledge that nothing is ever set in stone; we have the right to change our minds, based on new information—and we often will. From my perspective now, I don't see the benefits of social media outweighing the cons for my kids before age 18, but who knows! It will be an ongoing conversation with them, for sure, and I am open to being challenged/pushed on that as they grow older and wiser. There are workarounds, too, to make it less insidious—like accessing only on a computer or only posting to 24-hr stories or snaps, etc. And no doubt, the platforms themselves will evolve in coming years, hopefully bringing tighter safety controls. We shall see.