We have an only child not by choice, and as much as I feel the physiological and psychological wear down of having to add in play - there’s only so much my son can yield a sword and attack the air!
My guess is that declining fertility is the dominant cause of kids not being able to play without parents. They don’t have as many brothers and sisters! And of course this is a macro trend happening all over the world with enormous forces driving it. It ain’t gonna reverse barring a total collapse of modern women’s rights. We are clearly going to need new infrastructure for kids to have that alone free time with other kids in the absence of having 2+ siblings like Ms. Martinko’s kids. (Also they left the city and moved to a small town, which is usually only doable if you have remote work)
Luckily there are lots of people working on exactly this, with Let Grow and the other urban free play movements.
I’ve posted in other threads about this, but it is worth repeating here though: until we get a handle on the (relatively small number but still very influential) number of people undergoing drug-induced psychosis in North American cities and suburbs, European parenting isn’t going to take off. It just isn’t.
I live in Toronto where the bussing policy, to the public school board’s credit, is the same as it has always been: kids are bussed up to grade 5 and in grade 6 they’re expected to take public transit to school. I always loved that and never doubted that my kids would be able to be independent on the bus and subway. But you know what? I ride the subway to work every day and since the lockdowns ended in 2021 there are unpredictable addicts on at least 5% of the train cars I get on. Will my 11 year old daughter be street smart? Yes. She’d learn to go to the other end of the car or change cars. Does that reduce the chances of something happening to an acceptable level? Hell no.
There are unreported incidents all the time. I see serious verbal assaults and threatening movements — aimed at random people of both sexes but of course the impact is different if the guy screaming at you is double your size — at least once every 2 weeks or so.
Same with kids getting to do free street roaming etc. The public safety situation is genuinely different than 10 years ago. We have to fix it. Otherwise kids in small families who can’t play independently with their numerous siblings in their quiet small town streets are going to be stuck with their exhausted parents trying to entertain them.
I wish more of the anti-screen writers (what I call the Haidt-o-Sphere) would write about this more openly.
I'm with you! I'm not worried about my kids getting kidnapped; I'm worried about the drug addicts and people with untreated mental health issues wandering the street outside my house every day (I'm in Portland). I've learned to give them freedom when we go to safer neighborhoods or on vacation, but I agree his is a huge, under-discussed challenge when it comes to giving our kids the freedom to roam and grow up like we did.
I find parenting much harder in the US because there are hardly any comfortable, pleasant urban/suburban spaces to hang out, like benches, parks, fountains, modern urban design structures etc, sometimes even no sidewalks. The parks available are often just football fields. The lack of walking culture also, that kids need to be driven everywhere and when they are it is usually a mall. So tweens can’t wander by themselves, get ice cream, sit in the square etc. Everything has to organized and arranged, like the kids need animation and a theme at all times. I find the children very overscheduled, with hardly any time for free play in a natural setting like a park. Since moving out of the city there are no places conducive to free play, which seems like a big part of the problem - they can’t just show up and mingle with peers in a parental hands-off setting.
The overscheduling is a great point I hadn't consciously thought about before. But my toddler kids definitely have some former-friends that we don't really see anymore because their parents overschedule them and seeing them requires making a booking three weeks in advance and I'm just not interested in doing that very often.
My kid is in middle school and it feels like by then most have mindboggling agendas and no free afternoons at all on weekdays or sometimes even weekends. The weeks in advance booking also puts me off, feels like such pomp and a whole process
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way! I cringe so hard at scheduling for kids three weeks out like it’s a damn senior vice president of a Fortune 500 company. Makes me just want to be like, nah, they’ll just hang out with the kids on the street who have nothing to do on a Saturday.
> It seems that, in recent decades, the role of parent has expanded to include the role of personal entertainer
I feel like a missing part of the puzzle here is declining family sizes. It is a lot easier for kids to play without an adult when there are other kids around.
Nowadays kids are more likely to be only children. So no siblings to play with. Fewer kids in the neighbourhood because of demographic changes (older population, lower fertility rates). So no neighbours to play with.
When I was a toddler, my mum was juggling me, my newborn brother, and her aging parents (and grandparent) and my dad was doing long stints working overseas. She didn't['t always have time to play with me but she never felt bad about it. Figuring out my own games and entertainment was something she knew would be important for my long term development and creativity. Of course there was no technology like iPads in the 80s but she rarely dropped us in front of the telly either. We have an only child (partly by choice and partly not) and while I felt awful leaving her to play by herself (even though I was in the same room) because I either had to answer an email or make dinner or whatever, my mum reminded me that it was OK and she needed to learn how to entertain herself. She was right. Last weekend she asked me to play with her and her dollhouse which I gladly did but later in the day she was absorbed in another version of the dollhouse narrative just by herself. I don't see it as a form of neglect at all and I am so grateful that my mum took her own experiences and shared them with me on my parenting journey.
Really good article. I think it's about balance. You can completely neglect chores, hobbies, and friends to spend all day adventuring and playing with your children, or you can neglect your children in favor of your own priorities.
I think what's important is that you *connect* with your children in some way (whether its play, conversation, shared activity - up to you). As the dad I love to throw them around, wrestle, run, go outside with them, but I don't enjoy the "crafting" activities my wife does with them.
"Adults playing with children for extended periods of time on a regular basis is not a natural state." So so true!
I knew from the start I did not want to be my kids' playmate. My son was an only child for 5 years and he quickly got used to figuring out his own entertainment, though he still does want to constantly show me things.
Sometimes I tell them "I play by watching you" or that adults aren't allowed on the playground equipment (should be a rule if it isn't!). I like your script, I'm going to borrow that.
Interesting! I love reading your articles. I am a teacher and I'm wondering if you or anyone here could suggest any like-minded teachers' Substacks to add to my repertoire? Thanks in advance!
Hey, Shannon! Nice to see you Substacks and this particular thread. Hope you’re well and if I discover more Substacks similar to this, I’ll pass them along.
Love it. It should apply to teachers as well. I can’t recall how many times as an educator that I felt the need to entertain students to help them engage and learn. It’s exhausting. That may be my decision and my problem but it seemed so many other teachers were doing the same shtick.
Students get bored and the educational system is taxing physically and mentally on students and teachers alike. But the underlying expectation was/is keep the students engaged. You’re the problem if you don’t and complaints will be made: “That teacher is boring”; “He/She doesn’t care”; “They’re unprepared”, etc. Seldom does the student, parent or administrator step back and take a serious look at how they are engaged and withhold critical observations and blame.
We have an only child not by choice, and as much as I feel the physiological and psychological wear down of having to add in play - there’s only so much my son can yield a sword and attack the air!
In the same boat with an only child, and totally agree!
My guess is that declining fertility is the dominant cause of kids not being able to play without parents. They don’t have as many brothers and sisters! And of course this is a macro trend happening all over the world with enormous forces driving it. It ain’t gonna reverse barring a total collapse of modern women’s rights. We are clearly going to need new infrastructure for kids to have that alone free time with other kids in the absence of having 2+ siblings like Ms. Martinko’s kids. (Also they left the city and moved to a small town, which is usually only doable if you have remote work)
Luckily there are lots of people working on exactly this, with Let Grow and the other urban free play movements.
I’ve posted in other threads about this, but it is worth repeating here though: until we get a handle on the (relatively small number but still very influential) number of people undergoing drug-induced psychosis in North American cities and suburbs, European parenting isn’t going to take off. It just isn’t.
I live in Toronto where the bussing policy, to the public school board’s credit, is the same as it has always been: kids are bussed up to grade 5 and in grade 6 they’re expected to take public transit to school. I always loved that and never doubted that my kids would be able to be independent on the bus and subway. But you know what? I ride the subway to work every day and since the lockdowns ended in 2021 there are unpredictable addicts on at least 5% of the train cars I get on. Will my 11 year old daughter be street smart? Yes. She’d learn to go to the other end of the car or change cars. Does that reduce the chances of something happening to an acceptable level? Hell no.
There are unreported incidents all the time. I see serious verbal assaults and threatening movements — aimed at random people of both sexes but of course the impact is different if the guy screaming at you is double your size — at least once every 2 weeks or so.
Same with kids getting to do free street roaming etc. The public safety situation is genuinely different than 10 years ago. We have to fix it. Otherwise kids in small families who can’t play independently with their numerous siblings in their quiet small town streets are going to be stuck with their exhausted parents trying to entertain them.
I wish more of the anti-screen writers (what I call the Haidt-o-Sphere) would write about this more openly.
I'm with you! I'm not worried about my kids getting kidnapped; I'm worried about the drug addicts and people with untreated mental health issues wandering the street outside my house every day (I'm in Portland). I've learned to give them freedom when we go to safer neighborhoods or on vacation, but I agree his is a huge, under-discussed challenge when it comes to giving our kids the freedom to roam and grow up like we did.
I find parenting much harder in the US because there are hardly any comfortable, pleasant urban/suburban spaces to hang out, like benches, parks, fountains, modern urban design structures etc, sometimes even no sidewalks. The parks available are often just football fields. The lack of walking culture also, that kids need to be driven everywhere and when they are it is usually a mall. So tweens can’t wander by themselves, get ice cream, sit in the square etc. Everything has to organized and arranged, like the kids need animation and a theme at all times. I find the children very overscheduled, with hardly any time for free play in a natural setting like a park. Since moving out of the city there are no places conducive to free play, which seems like a big part of the problem - they can’t just show up and mingle with peers in a parental hands-off setting.
The overscheduling is a great point I hadn't consciously thought about before. But my toddler kids definitely have some former-friends that we don't really see anymore because their parents overschedule them and seeing them requires making a booking three weeks in advance and I'm just not interested in doing that very often.
My kid is in middle school and it feels like by then most have mindboggling agendas and no free afternoons at all on weekdays or sometimes even weekends. The weeks in advance booking also puts me off, feels like such pomp and a whole process
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way! I cringe so hard at scheduling for kids three weeks out like it’s a damn senior vice president of a Fortune 500 company. Makes me just want to be like, nah, they’ll just hang out with the kids on the street who have nothing to do on a Saturday.
> It seems that, in recent decades, the role of parent has expanded to include the role of personal entertainer
I feel like a missing part of the puzzle here is declining family sizes. It is a lot easier for kids to play without an adult when there are other kids around.
Nowadays kids are more likely to be only children. So no siblings to play with. Fewer kids in the neighbourhood because of demographic changes (older population, lower fertility rates). So no neighbours to play with.
When I was a toddler, my mum was juggling me, my newborn brother, and her aging parents (and grandparent) and my dad was doing long stints working overseas. She didn't['t always have time to play with me but she never felt bad about it. Figuring out my own games and entertainment was something she knew would be important for my long term development and creativity. Of course there was no technology like iPads in the 80s but she rarely dropped us in front of the telly either. We have an only child (partly by choice and partly not) and while I felt awful leaving her to play by herself (even though I was in the same room) because I either had to answer an email or make dinner or whatever, my mum reminded me that it was OK and she needed to learn how to entertain herself. She was right. Last weekend she asked me to play with her and her dollhouse which I gladly did but later in the day she was absorbed in another version of the dollhouse narrative just by herself. I don't see it as a form of neglect at all and I am so grateful that my mum took her own experiences and shared them with me on my parenting journey.
I’ve never felt so seen! I call my parenting a form of benign neglect because I just CAN’T add playing to the list!
Really good article. I think it's about balance. You can completely neglect chores, hobbies, and friends to spend all day adventuring and playing with your children, or you can neglect your children in favor of your own priorities.
I think what's important is that you *connect* with your children in some way (whether its play, conversation, shared activity - up to you). As the dad I love to throw them around, wrestle, run, go outside with them, but I don't enjoy the "crafting" activities my wife does with them.
"Adults playing with children for extended periods of time on a regular basis is not a natural state." So so true!
I knew from the start I did not want to be my kids' playmate. My son was an only child for 5 years and he quickly got used to figuring out his own entertainment, though he still does want to constantly show me things.
Sometimes I tell them "I play by watching you" or that adults aren't allowed on the playground equipment (should be a rule if it isn't!). I like your script, I'm going to borrow that.
Interesting! I love reading your articles. I am a teacher and I'm wondering if you or anyone here could suggest any like-minded teachers' Substacks to add to my repertoire? Thanks in advance!
Hey, Shannon! Nice to see you Substacks and this particular thread. Hope you’re well and if I discover more Substacks similar to this, I’ll pass them along.
Nice post!
Love it. It should apply to teachers as well. I can’t recall how many times as an educator that I felt the need to entertain students to help them engage and learn. It’s exhausting. That may be my decision and my problem but it seemed so many other teachers were doing the same shtick.
Students get bored and the educational system is taxing physically and mentally on students and teachers alike. But the underlying expectation was/is keep the students engaged. You’re the problem if you don’t and complaints will be made: “That teacher is boring”; “He/She doesn’t care”; “They’re unprepared”, etc. Seldom does the student, parent or administrator step back and take a serious look at how they are engaged and withhold critical observations and blame.