Katherine, your observations ring true over and over, but this one compelled me to comment! I tried this during Lent of this year, a time when Christians have often given something up in order to focus more on God. I've tried all manner of tech-fasts over the years to try to break my habits, but this one felt different because it affected other people. I didn't keep it perfectly; I still texted here and there, but it sure cut back on the drawn-out exchanges, and I think it started to characterize me as someone who doesn't immediately reply, which I found to be a good thing. I had hoped to replace my texting with more meaningful communication -- phone calls, letters -- but I didn't do that nearly to the extent I had hoped. I have this ambition to single-handedly save the US Postal Service with my prolific letter-writing, but that has yet to materialize, ha! Your reflection today, though, made me consider the long-distance relationship I have with my extended family, who all live halfway across the US from me. Generally I feel some pity for myself when our nuclear family experiences some hardship (currently, pneumonia and a newborn), but you made me reconsider that. I expect my family to use all the technology at their disposal to ease my trial. But, in the grand scheme of things, that's not really theirs to do. We made the choice to move here, and in ages past, we would have muscled through (probably with more childhood fatalities from illness, though, ugh). As a Christian, I believe in God's providence, so I'm trying not to expect my family and technology to care for me in a way that is not entirely in their hands.
I love letter-writing. I hope maybe you'll move a bit toward that? It sounds like you're working hard to be more intentional about all of this. I am known as someone who doesn't reply quickly to texts, and yet I'm baffled, b/c half the people I know (esp under 30) never respond at all to anything.
I certainly do more writing than most of my peers/friends. I am a committed thank-you writer, so even though I don't write the frequent, newsy letters that my grandma did, I do write reliably after Christmas and my birthday, and also after the aforementioned newborn :)
Also, I get the bafflement with the complete lack of response from people, when I know that those people use their phones regularly because I see them on those devices in my presence. So to me it reads as apathy, rather than intentionality.
I looove love love this idea! I have had similar thoughts about this before, but it’s so hard to opt out and feel like the world moves on without you. I don’t mind opting out of news cycles and social media. But texting with loved ones? That’s a hard one. But if it clears space for slower, deeper, and more meaningful communication than sign me up! I also think that stepping back from constant communication within our nuclear families and larger families requires a level of trust as communication will shift and begin to look different. Thank you, as always, for sharing!!! ❤️
I’m so grateful you brought this idea to my feed. While it may be innate for some people to consider this question; I grew up with text messaging and often have to renavigate friendships where texting is a main touch point. As someone desperate to be less on my phone, I really do need framework for how to work through that. I appreciate your writing so much!
I'm so impressed you are navigating this. I'm always curious how people who grew up with texting can make the space in their heads that we had no choice but to have as kids (super awkward phrasing - sorry!)
I will say that I didn’t have texting until I was 12 so I did get some time as a youth to work it out (unlike so many kids now). But, yes, it takes a rewiring of relationships for sure.
What I find curious about a lot of people your age (I'm guessing based on that timeline) is how they actually DON'T answer text that much. Or anything. Maybe it's more through instagram or something but it seems like generally people feel much less of a need to respond maybe because it's all so overwhelming.
This is all plain common sense but most people do not possess your perspicacity on these issues. I touched upon some of these themes in my forthcoming book, “Leave Your Phone At The Door”, which is based on the OFFLINE concept I created and celebrates the much underrated virtues of randomness and serendipity.
I nodded so hard along to this that my head nearly fell off. You have an incredible knack for articulating things that I think many of us are feeling but struggle to express. I've been feeling for years now that texting's biggest problem is how disruptive it is to everyday life. Sure, it makes things simpler in some ways, but in so many others, it makes life more complicated and more devalues everyone's time. There are definitely times that I relish being able to have a impromptu, funny exchange with a friend or family member that lives far away, but more often than not, it's just a poor substitute for "real" communication. There's that saying about meetings: "could have been an email" - sometimes I feel that about texts (could have been an email OR often better yet, a phone call rather than 50 furious back and forths). I hate the way that texting is meant to be easy and convenient, but all it does is tether us to our phones and create expectations of instant responsiveness and nonstop interruptions in daily life. Sometimes if I notice I haven't had a text for a while, rather than just enjoying the reprieve, I actually catch myself wondering "did I leave my phone somewhere? is there something wrong?" I miss making plans and knowing that they could be counted upon and not changed right up until the last moment. I now effectively have two inboxes of "keep unread" messages to reply to: my email and my texting app.
When I've tried to discuss all this with friends, they usually think that I'm trying to say I don't want to text with them anymore, which isn't at all what I intend; I just want to do a deep dive on the effect of texting, and phones, on modern life and interpersonal communication with someone. I feel like texting has really fundamentally changed a lot about how we relate to each other as humans, and it bears thinking about more deeply.
So thanks for your thoughtful article - it's such a relief to hear this perspective, and gives me lots to think about.
I am so with you on this. I go back and forth. Some days I'm terrible, texting in-the-moment thoughts way too much. These are ungrounded days when I haven't exercised/meditated/journaled and my anxiety gets the best of me. Other times I'm able to, like you, "save it." It feels so good to think - we should talk about this in person! And really discuss, pull it apart, analyze. I've also had that feeling more that when you meet in person there's sometimes less to say. So much was already communicated, albeit not well. I have been trying for years to bring back letter writing with friends. A few write me back every now and then. Most never answer. But still I enjoy it. I just dashed out this morning a letter to a friend I saw Sunday while canvassing on Long Island. Typically I would text a few thoughts - funny things that happened, or oddities to puzzle over - but I thought no, I won't bombard her, I'll write her a letter. Though I wonder if others feel that letters end up being more of a burden? I love this post so much and I'm thrilled to have found your writing.
I definitely noticed an unsettling trend that I'd text people -- spouse, close friends -- then when we'd actually meet up In Real Life it would feel like there was nothing left to talk about because we'd already shared it all via text. This is especially bad with my spouse because instead of being able to have 15 or 20 minutes of bonding via chit chat about what the kids had done that day or how cheap mangos were at the market or how they finally finished construction at that one intersection .... we'd kind of run out of things to say and instead found it easier to turn to our phones.
"More times than I can count, I have carried on full-day texting conversations with people, where a conversation is drawn out for hours [...] It does not feel productive or satisfying in the way that meaningful communication should."
OMG it drives me crazy when I see my spouse doing this. She will spend 1-2 hours messaging a friend, being interrupted every 3-12 minutes while we are prepping the kids for bedtime or whatever. I want to say "Can you please just call and talk to her for 15 minutes instead of wasting your entire day like this?!?!"
So many 5 minute phone calls have turned into 30 minute texting sessions in modern life. I hate it. And I hate talking to people on the phone so I get it! But the distracted, fragmented life is even worse.
I like this idea of "unsent texts". Though I'm also kind of laughing at the idea of a couple sitting on the couch at the end of the evening going through their UNSENT TEXTS lists together.
Katherine, your observations ring true over and over, but this one compelled me to comment! I tried this during Lent of this year, a time when Christians have often given something up in order to focus more on God. I've tried all manner of tech-fasts over the years to try to break my habits, but this one felt different because it affected other people. I didn't keep it perfectly; I still texted here and there, but it sure cut back on the drawn-out exchanges, and I think it started to characterize me as someone who doesn't immediately reply, which I found to be a good thing. I had hoped to replace my texting with more meaningful communication -- phone calls, letters -- but I didn't do that nearly to the extent I had hoped. I have this ambition to single-handedly save the US Postal Service with my prolific letter-writing, but that has yet to materialize, ha! Your reflection today, though, made me consider the long-distance relationship I have with my extended family, who all live halfway across the US from me. Generally I feel some pity for myself when our nuclear family experiences some hardship (currently, pneumonia and a newborn), but you made me reconsider that. I expect my family to use all the technology at their disposal to ease my trial. But, in the grand scheme of things, that's not really theirs to do. We made the choice to move here, and in ages past, we would have muscled through (probably with more childhood fatalities from illness, though, ugh). As a Christian, I believe in God's providence, so I'm trying not to expect my family and technology to care for me in a way that is not entirely in their hands.
Thank you for your lovely observations, and I'm glad the post touched you!
I love letter-writing. I hope maybe you'll move a bit toward that? It sounds like you're working hard to be more intentional about all of this. I am known as someone who doesn't reply quickly to texts, and yet I'm baffled, b/c half the people I know (esp under 30) never respond at all to anything.
I certainly do more writing than most of my peers/friends. I am a committed thank-you writer, so even though I don't write the frequent, newsy letters that my grandma did, I do write reliably after Christmas and my birthday, and also after the aforementioned newborn :)
Also, I get the bafflement with the complete lack of response from people, when I know that those people use their phones regularly because I see them on those devices in my presence. So to me it reads as apathy, rather than intentionality.
I looove love love this idea! I have had similar thoughts about this before, but it’s so hard to opt out and feel like the world moves on without you. I don’t mind opting out of news cycles and social media. But texting with loved ones? That’s a hard one. But if it clears space for slower, deeper, and more meaningful communication than sign me up! I also think that stepping back from constant communication within our nuclear families and larger families requires a level of trust as communication will shift and begin to look different. Thank you, as always, for sharing!!! ❤️
I’m so grateful you brought this idea to my feed. While it may be innate for some people to consider this question; I grew up with text messaging and often have to renavigate friendships where texting is a main touch point. As someone desperate to be less on my phone, I really do need framework for how to work through that. I appreciate your writing so much!
I'm so impressed you are navigating this. I'm always curious how people who grew up with texting can make the space in their heads that we had no choice but to have as kids (super awkward phrasing - sorry!)
I will say that I didn’t have texting until I was 12 so I did get some time as a youth to work it out (unlike so many kids now). But, yes, it takes a rewiring of relationships for sure.
What I find curious about a lot of people your age (I'm guessing based on that timeline) is how they actually DON'T answer text that much. Or anything. Maybe it's more through instagram or something but it seems like generally people feel much less of a need to respond maybe because it's all so overwhelming.
This is all plain common sense but most people do not possess your perspicacity on these issues. I touched upon some of these themes in my forthcoming book, “Leave Your Phone At The Door”, which is based on the OFFLINE concept I created and celebrates the much underrated virtues of randomness and serendipity.
I nodded so hard along to this that my head nearly fell off. You have an incredible knack for articulating things that I think many of us are feeling but struggle to express. I've been feeling for years now that texting's biggest problem is how disruptive it is to everyday life. Sure, it makes things simpler in some ways, but in so many others, it makes life more complicated and more devalues everyone's time. There are definitely times that I relish being able to have a impromptu, funny exchange with a friend or family member that lives far away, but more often than not, it's just a poor substitute for "real" communication. There's that saying about meetings: "could have been an email" - sometimes I feel that about texts (could have been an email OR often better yet, a phone call rather than 50 furious back and forths). I hate the way that texting is meant to be easy and convenient, but all it does is tether us to our phones and create expectations of instant responsiveness and nonstop interruptions in daily life. Sometimes if I notice I haven't had a text for a while, rather than just enjoying the reprieve, I actually catch myself wondering "did I leave my phone somewhere? is there something wrong?" I miss making plans and knowing that they could be counted upon and not changed right up until the last moment. I now effectively have two inboxes of "keep unread" messages to reply to: my email and my texting app.
When I've tried to discuss all this with friends, they usually think that I'm trying to say I don't want to text with them anymore, which isn't at all what I intend; I just want to do a deep dive on the effect of texting, and phones, on modern life and interpersonal communication with someone. I feel like texting has really fundamentally changed a lot about how we relate to each other as humans, and it bears thinking about more deeply.
So thanks for your thoughtful article - it's such a relief to hear this perspective, and gives me lots to think about.
This is a good one!! Sent to my husband, and will be talking with my children about this one. Brilliant!
I am so with you on this. I go back and forth. Some days I'm terrible, texting in-the-moment thoughts way too much. These are ungrounded days when I haven't exercised/meditated/journaled and my anxiety gets the best of me. Other times I'm able to, like you, "save it." It feels so good to think - we should talk about this in person! And really discuss, pull it apart, analyze. I've also had that feeling more that when you meet in person there's sometimes less to say. So much was already communicated, albeit not well. I have been trying for years to bring back letter writing with friends. A few write me back every now and then. Most never answer. But still I enjoy it. I just dashed out this morning a letter to a friend I saw Sunday while canvassing on Long Island. Typically I would text a few thoughts - funny things that happened, or oddities to puzzle over - but I thought no, I won't bombard her, I'll write her a letter. Though I wonder if others feel that letters end up being more of a burden? I love this post so much and I'm thrilled to have found your writing.
I love this so much.
I definitely noticed an unsettling trend that I'd text people -- spouse, close friends -- then when we'd actually meet up In Real Life it would feel like there was nothing left to talk about because we'd already shared it all via text. This is especially bad with my spouse because instead of being able to have 15 or 20 minutes of bonding via chit chat about what the kids had done that day or how cheap mangos were at the market or how they finally finished construction at that one intersection .... we'd kind of run out of things to say and instead found it easier to turn to our phones.
"More times than I can count, I have carried on full-day texting conversations with people, where a conversation is drawn out for hours [...] It does not feel productive or satisfying in the way that meaningful communication should."
OMG it drives me crazy when I see my spouse doing this. She will spend 1-2 hours messaging a friend, being interrupted every 3-12 minutes while we are prepping the kids for bedtime or whatever. I want to say "Can you please just call and talk to her for 15 minutes instead of wasting your entire day like this?!?!"
So many 5 minute phone calls have turned into 30 minute texting sessions in modern life. I hate it. And I hate talking to people on the phone so I get it! But the distracted, fragmented life is even worse.
I wrote on a similar theme a few weeks ago @informedperspective ( https://substack.com/home/post/p-150702616?r=3s0nz4&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web) and I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying. I think that we have completely forgotten what social engagement means in particular when it requires effort and engagement.
I like this idea of "unsent texts". Though I'm also kind of laughing at the idea of a couple sitting on the couch at the end of the evening going through their UNSENT TEXTS lists together.