Absolutely brilliant article. I agree wholeheartedly! I am That Parent and it is so frustrating that other parents are not willing to make these hard decisions alongside me. Thank you for highlighting the issue :)
Thank God for the government. Hopefully after social media they’ll set their sights on Apple. How else should parents know whether it’s okay to buy their toddler an iPad so they’ll sit through dinner?
I wish I heard this more from other parents. Instead it's just a chorus of "How are you supposed to say no when everyone else is doing it?!? What the actual f*$$?
I'm often brought back to my childhood with my "uncool" mom and every time I'd ask permission to do what "everyone else was doing" and she would tell me no and I'd throw a fit and sulk and pout and stress that my life as a teenager was over. You know what she always said.. "If everyone asked to jump off a bridge would you ask to do that too?" Annoying to hear at 16 but she was right. And how grateful my 40 something self is.
When did striving to have the life everyone else has become the social pinnacle? I am so blessed that my life today is not that of my peers from highschool. It has been so much more.
I appreciate your thoughtful posts, and loved to hear this about your 9th grader. A very practical question for all of “those parents” on this thread - how do you support age-appropriate independence and autonomy around communication and making plans with peers?
Not that this is a good thing, but so much teen (& adult!) communication & social coordination take place over text these days. Many parents want to make this choice, but understandably are concerned (or have already experienced) that their child is left out of the social loop - or they end up an awkward conduit, which is not ideal either. Genuinely curious about people’s work-arounds here!! Old fashioned landline? Other?
Yes old fashioned house phone. Also stripped internet and social media off of my phone (to attempt to be a good role model) and my phone is essentially a family phone anyone can use. Also I've found that allowing some texting using time limits with a laptop and Google Voice account or imessage is much easier to have actual limits and not have that swallow up everything else you'd like your child to be experiencing (compared to the everywhere all the time nature of a phone).
They make flip phones and minimalist phones these days. I’m currently quite excited for the Lightphone III (this is a company that makes minimalist phones and they quite explicitly will never support social media, internet browsing, email or any kind of infinite “feeds”, but still hopes to retain what people find useful about phones, like calling, text messages, timer, GPS, music players, a BASIC camera, etc), but personally I cannot ditch my iPhone; it’s simply too good/convenient of a camera (I have a “real” camera. I NEVER have it with me) and I want a gazillion pictures of my children.
This is great! (And I very much agree that it’s helpful for parents to “do as I do, not as I say” - hard as it is! ;). I’m curious, how old are your kids? And how is this approach impacting their peer relationships, in your view? DO peers actually call on the telephone? And do they have real conversations via phone?
(I often think how valuable it was for our generation to have to tolerate some anxiety while waiting to see who would answer the family phone, and to have to make polite conversation if/when your friend/crush’s family member answered! 😉😂)
Texting through computer or parent phone is more commonly used for friend communication than the house phone. House phone is occasionally used with friends, but is mostly useful for parent child communication when kids are home alone etc. I have kids in high school, college and elementary school aged. They are all doing really well socially and have lots of friends. They also spend a lot of time socializing in person and we do all we can to support that. In our family, kids get a dumb phone at age 16 and transition to smartphone around their high school graduation. There are definitely times of awkwardness for both kids and parents due to being untraditional with technology, and our kids have understandably complained A LOT over the years. That said, they are doing well in their lives.
Additionally this article shows a couple more hacks parents can use, including creating a family Instagram account on a shared device if your kids are involved in activities that share information through the platform.
Thanks for asking this question. This is my current dilemma for my kids and their friends (all with phones). Facebook Messenger has worked with some friends but not all. Some friends message me directly which I don't prefer but that is their last option. Considering iMessage for friends who have iPhones where they could connect with my kids on their iPads. But then they don't all have Apple devices. I'm wondering about WhatsApp but that means friends have to get that account... Since my kids don't drive yet most plans still have to go through me, so for now it's mostly friends sending me messages. 🤷
Thank you for this. I agree. The solution is just no phones and no access (meaning not on other devices either). Parents are in full control and choose not to be. Like you, I'm an 'uncool' parent of two Grade 9 high schoolers too. The only ones without phones. Oh well! It is what is best for them, and they will be thankful someday.
Excellent points! I share a similar story of a teen's suicide who also had "healthy awareness of how to be safe online." I'm writing directly to the Christian church and saying much of the same things as you! I go one step further and say kids, ages 0-18 shouldn't have smartphones or iPads. https://dearchristianparent.substack.com/p/10-reasons-i-believe-saying-no-to
I’m not a parent yet. I’m a young adult but I wholeheartedly agree. Parents are in control and should take action to protect their little ones. I wish my parents would have had talks to me about social media and overall technology usage.
It’s foolish to leave the protection of children in the hands of social media platforms whose only goal is to literally get you addicted.
If we adults, parents and non-parents, want to see a change, we should start saying “no” but most importantly embodying the change we want to see. It’s disrespectful to the child to say “no” to social media, for instance, when we as adults spend hours upon hours on Instagram. We’re giving them mixed signals and that’s even more counterproductive. Saying “no” to social media is a act of love and mutual respect
Absolutely brilliant article. I agree wholeheartedly! I am That Parent and it is so frustrating that other parents are not willing to make these hard decisions alongside me. Thank you for highlighting the issue :)
Thank God for the government. Hopefully after social media they’ll set their sights on Apple. How else should parents know whether it’s okay to buy their toddler an iPad so they’ll sit through dinner?
I wish I heard this more from other parents. Instead it's just a chorus of "How are you supposed to say no when everyone else is doing it?!? What the actual f*$$?
I'm often brought back to my childhood with my "uncool" mom and every time I'd ask permission to do what "everyone else was doing" and she would tell me no and I'd throw a fit and sulk and pout and stress that my life as a teenager was over. You know what she always said.. "If everyone asked to jump off a bridge would you ask to do that too?" Annoying to hear at 16 but she was right. And how grateful my 40 something self is.
When did striving to have the life everyone else has become the social pinnacle? I am so blessed that my life today is not that of my peers from highschool. It has been so much more.
Thanks for always saying "no" mom.
I appreciate your thoughtful posts, and loved to hear this about your 9th grader. A very practical question for all of “those parents” on this thread - how do you support age-appropriate independence and autonomy around communication and making plans with peers?
Not that this is a good thing, but so much teen (& adult!) communication & social coordination take place over text these days. Many parents want to make this choice, but understandably are concerned (or have already experienced) that their child is left out of the social loop - or they end up an awkward conduit, which is not ideal either. Genuinely curious about people’s work-arounds here!! Old fashioned landline? Other?
Yes old fashioned house phone. Also stripped internet and social media off of my phone (to attempt to be a good role model) and my phone is essentially a family phone anyone can use. Also I've found that allowing some texting using time limits with a laptop and Google Voice account or imessage is much easier to have actual limits and not have that swallow up everything else you'd like your child to be experiencing (compared to the everywhere all the time nature of a phone).
They make flip phones and minimalist phones these days. I’m currently quite excited for the Lightphone III (this is a company that makes minimalist phones and they quite explicitly will never support social media, internet browsing, email or any kind of infinite “feeds”, but still hopes to retain what people find useful about phones, like calling, text messages, timer, GPS, music players, a BASIC camera, etc), but personally I cannot ditch my iPhone; it’s simply too good/convenient of a camera (I have a “real” camera. I NEVER have it with me) and I want a gazillion pictures of my children.
This is great! (And I very much agree that it’s helpful for parents to “do as I do, not as I say” - hard as it is! ;). I’m curious, how old are your kids? And how is this approach impacting their peer relationships, in your view? DO peers actually call on the telephone? And do they have real conversations via phone?
(I often think how valuable it was for our generation to have to tolerate some anxiety while waiting to see who would answer the family phone, and to have to make polite conversation if/when your friend/crush’s family member answered! 😉😂)
Texting through computer or parent phone is more commonly used for friend communication than the house phone. House phone is occasionally used with friends, but is mostly useful for parent child communication when kids are home alone etc. I have kids in high school, college and elementary school aged. They are all doing really well socially and have lots of friends. They also spend a lot of time socializing in person and we do all we can to support that. In our family, kids get a dumb phone at age 16 and transition to smartphone around their high school graduation. There are definitely times of awkwardness for both kids and parents due to being untraditional with technology, and our kids have understandably complained A LOT over the years. That said, they are doing well in their lives.
Additionally this article shows a couple more hacks parents can use, including creating a family Instagram account on a shared device if your kids are involved in activities that share information through the platform.
https://www.waituntil8th.org/blog/2024/3/28/my-high-school-senior-does-not-have-a-smartphone
Thanks for asking this question. This is my current dilemma for my kids and their friends (all with phones). Facebook Messenger has worked with some friends but not all. Some friends message me directly which I don't prefer but that is their last option. Considering iMessage for friends who have iPhones where they could connect with my kids on their iPads. But then they don't all have Apple devices. I'm wondering about WhatsApp but that means friends have to get that account... Since my kids don't drive yet most plans still have to go through me, so for now it's mostly friends sending me messages. 🤷
The Google Voice app provides a real phone number that people can text to from any phone type. (As far as I know)
Thank you for this. I agree. The solution is just no phones and no access (meaning not on other devices either). Parents are in full control and choose not to be. Like you, I'm an 'uncool' parent of two Grade 9 high schoolers too. The only ones without phones. Oh well! It is what is best for them, and they will be thankful someday.
Excellent points! I share a similar story of a teen's suicide who also had "healthy awareness of how to be safe online." I'm writing directly to the Christian church and saying much of the same things as you! I go one step further and say kids, ages 0-18 shouldn't have smartphones or iPads. https://dearchristianparent.substack.com/p/10-reasons-i-believe-saying-no-to
I’m not a parent yet. I’m a young adult but I wholeheartedly agree. Parents are in control and should take action to protect their little ones. I wish my parents would have had talks to me about social media and overall technology usage.
It’s foolish to leave the protection of children in the hands of social media platforms whose only goal is to literally get you addicted.
If we adults, parents and non-parents, want to see a change, we should start saying “no” but most importantly embodying the change we want to see. It’s disrespectful to the child to say “no” to social media, for instance, when we as adults spend hours upon hours on Instagram. We’re giving them mixed signals and that’s even more counterproductive. Saying “no” to social media is a act of love and mutual respect