I tell people that having children gave me the freedom of requiring less maintenance for myself. A long day would have taken me hours to decompress over, now 10 minutes to clear my head suffices. 8 hours of sleep was needed for me to be functional, now I can thrive regardless of how much or little sleep I get. A weeklong vacation would have been the only way to unplug from work, now just an afternoon in the yard hunting bugs. Children really simplified life in this way. I enjoy the little things more - watching the sun rise with sleepy kids that just woke up, reading a book that completely captivates them, watching them get excited when they get their favorite snack. I’m not burdened by my own needs anymore, it’s just down to the bare essentials. I think this sounds undesirable to childless people, negatives being rebranded as positives. But there has been so much freedom and fulfillment in thinking less about myself and more about their needs.
Yes! Kids force/help you to slow down and appreciate the present moment because that is where they live. And being present is true joy—such a gift they offer.
I'm reading this many months later and as a 22 year old Gen Z-er, I don't think I'm the intended target audience for this piece (really this entire substack) but I thoroughly enjoyed this read. I think a lot of people my age sort of relate to your friend when they talk about having kids - there are broader concerns they bring up beyond just their own freedom - but I don't think I've ever read anything articulating the case for having kids in such a straightforward but profound way. I hope more people read this
Beautiful once again. My oldest just turned 13. While you mentioned that your friend is concerned about a lack of freedom, and how you see having kids as actually providing a sense of freedom, I saw having kids as the ultimate limiter: and that’s a great thing.
In the BC (before children) years, I was unencumbered. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t get out of the house much other than to eat and buy things I didn’t need. But in the first months AD (after dad), I looked at my daughter and realize I needed to change for her if I wanted to be around for her. I started running again like I did in high school. I would take her on walks. I started to eat a little better. And I have managed to maintain that for 13 years.
Having children sharpened my focus on what truly matters: us. And in a seemingly strange, but definitional way, us requires me. And without me being around and healthy, there was no us.
It being an “emotionally aggressive” time is a great way of putting it. The beautiful simple moments have come crashing into me sideways in the same way as the tough ones. I don’t think we can be shaped by lukewarm days, and there were lots of those in my 20s.
This feels so timely (and also made me cry a little). My husband and I always thought we were one-and-done with kids. We felt strongly about not "losing ourselves" too much in parenthood. As my son has gotten older (he's 8) we realize that we're maybe ready to give up a bit more of our personal time to extend our family and are considering trying for a 2nd.
Incisive, challenging, beautiful words. You’d be hard pressed to find a parent who would disagree, I think.
For me the question wasn’t “Should I be a parent?” But “Will I get the chance?” There were definitely times in my long battle with infertility that I wondered whether this was all even worth it. And now that I’m on the other side, all I can say is: YES. A thousand times, yes. Thank you for the reminder!
This describes parenthood perfectly. My son (and firstborn) is also 15 and my daughter is 14. It has been the most infuriating and rewarding experience of my life - and has changed who I am and how I see myself, permanently (mostly for the better 😊). Thanks for this great essay.
I tell people that having children gave me the freedom of requiring less maintenance for myself. A long day would have taken me hours to decompress over, now 10 minutes to clear my head suffices. 8 hours of sleep was needed for me to be functional, now I can thrive regardless of how much or little sleep I get. A weeklong vacation would have been the only way to unplug from work, now just an afternoon in the yard hunting bugs. Children really simplified life in this way. I enjoy the little things more - watching the sun rise with sleepy kids that just woke up, reading a book that completely captivates them, watching them get excited when they get their favorite snack. I’m not burdened by my own needs anymore, it’s just down to the bare essentials. I think this sounds undesirable to childless people, negatives being rebranded as positives. But there has been so much freedom and fulfillment in thinking less about myself and more about their needs.
Yes! Kids force/help you to slow down and appreciate the present moment because that is where they live. And being present is true joy—such a gift they offer.
Wow, this struck a chord with me ❤️ it was a beautiful read. 15 months in with my energetic son.
Only until someone else is clearly MORE important than you, is when true self-improvement happens.
I'm reading this many months later and as a 22 year old Gen Z-er, I don't think I'm the intended target audience for this piece (really this entire substack) but I thoroughly enjoyed this read. I think a lot of people my age sort of relate to your friend when they talk about having kids - there are broader concerns they bring up beyond just their own freedom - but I don't think I've ever read anything articulating the case for having kids in such a straightforward but profound way. I hope more people read this
Your comment was the best way to start my day. Thank you!
Beautiful once again. My oldest just turned 13. While you mentioned that your friend is concerned about a lack of freedom, and how you see having kids as actually providing a sense of freedom, I saw having kids as the ultimate limiter: and that’s a great thing.
In the BC (before children) years, I was unencumbered. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t get out of the house much other than to eat and buy things I didn’t need. But in the first months AD (after dad), I looked at my daughter and realize I needed to change for her if I wanted to be around for her. I started running again like I did in high school. I would take her on walks. I started to eat a little better. And I have managed to maintain that for 13 years.
Having children sharpened my focus on what truly matters: us. And in a seemingly strange, but definitional way, us requires me. And without me being around and healthy, there was no us.
It being an “emotionally aggressive” time is a great way of putting it. The beautiful simple moments have come crashing into me sideways in the same way as the tough ones. I don’t think we can be shaped by lukewarm days, and there were lots of those in my 20s.
This feels so timely (and also made me cry a little). My husband and I always thought we were one-and-done with kids. We felt strongly about not "losing ourselves" too much in parenthood. As my son has gotten older (he's 8) we realize that we're maybe ready to give up a bit more of our personal time to extend our family and are considering trying for a 2nd.
Eloquently and elegantly said!
I agree. :)
Incisive, challenging, beautiful words. You’d be hard pressed to find a parent who would disagree, I think.
For me the question wasn’t “Should I be a parent?” But “Will I get the chance?” There were definitely times in my long battle with infertility that I wondered whether this was all even worth it. And now that I’m on the other side, all I can say is: YES. A thousand times, yes. Thank you for the reminder!
To me family is life. Family is being among friends. And being among friends IS freedom.
This describes parenthood perfectly. My son (and firstborn) is also 15 and my daughter is 14. It has been the most infuriating and rewarding experience of my life - and has changed who I am and how I see myself, permanently (mostly for the better 😊). Thanks for this great essay.