I tell people that having children gave me the freedom of requiring less maintenance for myself. A long day would have taken me hours to decompress over, now 10 minutes to clear my head suffices. 8 hours of sleep was needed for me to be functional, now I can thrive regardless of how much or little sleep I get. A weeklong vacation would have been the only way to unplug from work, now just an afternoon in the yard hunting bugs. Children really simplified life in this way. I enjoy the little things more - watching the sun rise with sleepy kids that just woke up, reading a book that completely captivates them, watching them get excited when they get their favorite snack. I’m not burdened by my own needs anymore, it’s just down to the bare essentials. I think this sounds undesirable to childless people, negatives being rebranded as positives. But there has been so much freedom and fulfillment in thinking less about myself and more about their needs.
Yes! Kids force/help you to slow down and appreciate the present moment because that is where they live. And being present is true joy—such a gift they offer.
I'm reading this many months later and as a 22 year old Gen Z-er, I don't think I'm the intended target audience for this piece (really this entire substack) but I thoroughly enjoyed this read. I think a lot of people my age sort of relate to your friend when they talk about having kids - there are broader concerns they bring up beyond just their own freedom - but I don't think I've ever read anything articulating the case for having kids in such a straightforward but profound way. I hope more people read this
This feels so timely (and also made me cry a little). My husband and I always thought we were one-and-done with kids. We felt strongly about not "losing ourselves" too much in parenthood. As my son has gotten older (he's 8) we realize that we're maybe ready to give up a bit more of our personal time to extend our family and are considering trying for a 2nd.
Beautiful once again. My oldest just turned 13. While you mentioned that your friend is concerned about a lack of freedom, and how you see having kids as actually providing a sense of freedom, I saw having kids as the ultimate limiter: and that’s a great thing.
In the BC (before children) years, I was unencumbered. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t get out of the house much other than to eat and buy things I didn’t need. But in the first months AD (after dad), I looked at my daughter and realize I needed to change for her if I wanted to be around for her. I started running again like I did in high school. I would take her on walks. I started to eat a little better. And I have managed to maintain that for 13 years.
Having children sharpened my focus on what truly matters: us. And in a seemingly strange, but definitional way, us requires me. And without me being around and healthy, there was no us.
It being an “emotionally aggressive” time is a great way of putting it. The beautiful simple moments have come crashing into me sideways in the same way as the tough ones. I don’t think we can be shaped by lukewarm days, and there were lots of those in my 20s.
"She wondered if work can fill one’s sense of purpose, or if it’s only children that give life real purpose."
the answer is... NEITHER!
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
I think it's a misconception that Christians have a super huge pressure to get married and have kids and be pro family this and pro family that.
I've seen a lot of Christian or traditional influencers talk about the duty to have kids or whatever. They do have a point; see Genesis 1:28:
"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'"
We are called to have children and all that, but in the New Testament, after Jesus came, died for our sins, and rose again, the apostle Paul wrote about how unmarried people might actually be better off and happier. He says this because believers find their purpose not in building a family, legacy, or riches, but spreading the gospel so as many people can go to heaven when they die.
Contrary to worldly beliefs, our purpose here in the world as humans is not found in having children, making loads of money, or professional, artistic, or historical achievements. These things aren't inherently bad, but none of them fill the void of existential dread. Only Jesus and his purpose can fill that void. Personally, I want to have kids because I can't imagine growing old and not having them, but I know that's not for everyone. Not everyone's purpose is to marry or have kids. Paul's purpose wasn't that. It was to preach the gospel and grow the church as much as he could within his lifetime.
A quote directly from Jesus:
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Those treasures we store up are the people we helped save, and are now in heaven thanks to our efforts.
This is a believer's purpose. Adam and Eve's sin separated us from God, so the Jews had to make sacrifices to make up for their sins.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV)
Jesus dying on the cross was the ultimate, everybody-covering sacrifice; he took the punishment for our sins so we wouldn't have to. (and then he rose again and ascended to heaven 40(?) days later.
We are no longer saved by works, but saved by grace. Even though I want to marry and have kids and build wealth, my ultimate and utmost priority is to spread the gospel, because I know that ultimately those worldly things don't matter, and don't make a difference in heaven. Why do you think I spent so much time writing this?
Anyways, my whole point here is that I believe having kids is great, but not marrying and having kids is also okay because that is not the most important goal/purpose in life.
Incisive, challenging, beautiful words. You’d be hard pressed to find a parent who would disagree, I think.
For me the question wasn’t “Should I be a parent?” But “Will I get the chance?” There were definitely times in my long battle with infertility that I wondered whether this was all even worth it. And now that I’m on the other side, all I can say is: YES. A thousand times, yes. Thank you for the reminder!
This describes parenthood perfectly. My son (and firstborn) is also 15 and my daughter is 14. It has been the most infuriating and rewarding experience of my life - and has changed who I am and how I see myself, permanently (mostly for the better 😊). Thanks for this great essay.
I tell people that having children gave me the freedom of requiring less maintenance for myself. A long day would have taken me hours to decompress over, now 10 minutes to clear my head suffices. 8 hours of sleep was needed for me to be functional, now I can thrive regardless of how much or little sleep I get. A weeklong vacation would have been the only way to unplug from work, now just an afternoon in the yard hunting bugs. Children really simplified life in this way. I enjoy the little things more - watching the sun rise with sleepy kids that just woke up, reading a book that completely captivates them, watching them get excited when they get their favorite snack. I’m not burdened by my own needs anymore, it’s just down to the bare essentials. I think this sounds undesirable to childless people, negatives being rebranded as positives. But there has been so much freedom and fulfillment in thinking less about myself and more about their needs.
Yes! Kids force/help you to slow down and appreciate the present moment because that is where they live. And being present is true joy—such a gift they offer.
Only until someone else is clearly MORE important than you, is when true self-improvement happens.
Wow, this struck a chord with me ❤️ it was a beautiful read. 15 months in with my energetic son.
I'm reading this many months later and as a 22 year old Gen Z-er, I don't think I'm the intended target audience for this piece (really this entire substack) but I thoroughly enjoyed this read. I think a lot of people my age sort of relate to your friend when they talk about having kids - there are broader concerns they bring up beyond just their own freedom - but I don't think I've ever read anything articulating the case for having kids in such a straightforward but profound way. I hope more people read this
Your comment was the best way to start my day. Thank you!
This feels so timely (and also made me cry a little). My husband and I always thought we were one-and-done with kids. We felt strongly about not "losing ourselves" too much in parenthood. As my son has gotten older (he's 8) we realize that we're maybe ready to give up a bit more of our personal time to extend our family and are considering trying for a 2nd.
Beautiful once again. My oldest just turned 13. While you mentioned that your friend is concerned about a lack of freedom, and how you see having kids as actually providing a sense of freedom, I saw having kids as the ultimate limiter: and that’s a great thing.
In the BC (before children) years, I was unencumbered. I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t get out of the house much other than to eat and buy things I didn’t need. But in the first months AD (after dad), I looked at my daughter and realize I needed to change for her if I wanted to be around for her. I started running again like I did in high school. I would take her on walks. I started to eat a little better. And I have managed to maintain that for 13 years.
Having children sharpened my focus on what truly matters: us. And in a seemingly strange, but definitional way, us requires me. And without me being around and healthy, there was no us.
It being an “emotionally aggressive” time is a great way of putting it. The beautiful simple moments have come crashing into me sideways in the same way as the tough ones. I don’t think we can be shaped by lukewarm days, and there were lots of those in my 20s.
Eloquently and elegantly said!
I agree. :)
"She wondered if work can fill one’s sense of purpose, or if it’s only children that give life real purpose."
the answer is... NEITHER!
"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
I think it's a misconception that Christians have a super huge pressure to get married and have kids and be pro family this and pro family that.
I've seen a lot of Christian or traditional influencers talk about the duty to have kids or whatever. They do have a point; see Genesis 1:28:
"God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.'"
We are called to have children and all that, but in the New Testament, after Jesus came, died for our sins, and rose again, the apostle Paul wrote about how unmarried people might actually be better off and happier. He says this because believers find their purpose not in building a family, legacy, or riches, but spreading the gospel so as many people can go to heaven when they die.
Contrary to worldly beliefs, our purpose here in the world as humans is not found in having children, making loads of money, or professional, artistic, or historical achievements. These things aren't inherently bad, but none of them fill the void of existential dread. Only Jesus and his purpose can fill that void. Personally, I want to have kids because I can't imagine growing old and not having them, but I know that's not for everyone. Not everyone's purpose is to marry or have kids. Paul's purpose wasn't that. It was to preach the gospel and grow the church as much as he could within his lifetime.
A quote directly from Jesus:
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Those treasures we store up are the people we helped save, and are now in heaven thanks to our efforts.
This is a believer's purpose. Adam and Eve's sin separated us from God, so the Jews had to make sacrifices to make up for their sins.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV)
Jesus dying on the cross was the ultimate, everybody-covering sacrifice; he took the punishment for our sins so we wouldn't have to. (and then he rose again and ascended to heaven 40(?) days later.
We are no longer saved by works, but saved by grace. Even though I want to marry and have kids and build wealth, my ultimate and utmost priority is to spread the gospel, because I know that ultimately those worldly things don't matter, and don't make a difference in heaven. Why do you think I spent so much time writing this?
Anyways, my whole point here is that I believe having kids is great, but not marrying and having kids is also okay because that is not the most important goal/purpose in life.
Incisive, challenging, beautiful words. You’d be hard pressed to find a parent who would disagree, I think.
For me the question wasn’t “Should I be a parent?” But “Will I get the chance?” There were definitely times in my long battle with infertility that I wondered whether this was all even worth it. And now that I’m on the other side, all I can say is: YES. A thousand times, yes. Thank you for the reminder!
To me family is life. Family is being among friends. And being among friends IS freedom.
This describes parenthood perfectly. My son (and firstborn) is also 15 and my daughter is 14. It has been the most infuriating and rewarding experience of my life - and has changed who I am and how I see myself, permanently (mostly for the better 😊). Thanks for this great essay.