What Do We Parent For?

The day-to-day matters as much as the distant future.

“Your kid is going to hate you someday.”

An editor at the Globe and Mail had, with good reason, told me to avoid reading the comments on my new series of columns about digital minimalist parenting. But I’ve always liked to have a sense of how readers are responding to my work, so I usually take a glance or two.

At least there were far more positive comments than negative. I detected an interesting theme among the negative ones, later summarized in a single sentence by a family friend, who read my column and said, “Boy, I really hope your kids turn out OK.”

I laughed, but I understood what my friend was getting at.

When a parent is positioned as an expert of any kind, there is more public judgment and pressure for their child to do well in the long run. But I also recognized that his comment, along with the skeptical commenters, echoed what every parent fears most on some level—that what they are doing will somehow harm their child or cause permanent resentment.

No Guaranteed Outcome

The fact is, no outcome is guaranteed. It would be amazing if there were a clearly established path to filial success, but no such thing exists. Instead, each parent is left to learn as they go, trying not to mess it up completely.

Reading the comments got me thinking about what I am parenting for.

Long-term success, as measured by conventional societal markers, is certainly a goal. I would like my children to get good educations, to meet great partners, to have children of their own, to find careers they enjoy, to achieve financial security, to contribute to their communities, to live in places that bring them joy. Many of my parenting decisions, such as pushing them academically and setting a high standard for interpersonal skills, both of which are tied to curbing digital media use, are motivated by this end goal of raising happy, self-sufficient adults.

But I am driven by another factor, too, which is the quality of our daily lives. I want each day at home, as a family, to feel good and right and fulfilling. A long-term life is nothing other than an accumulation of days, so if the days are not enjoyable, then the overall life will not be, either.

I recently heard Jonathan Haidt on a podcast called Lives Well Lived. He said that family life has degenerated into a state of constant fighting over screen time. Apparently, that is what most families spend most of their time doing. To me, that sounds hellish. That’s no way to live.

My critics seem to think that postponing smartphone ownership and social media for my kids will make them hate me someday—and who knows, maybe it will—but I do know that this decision is helping to preserve the quality of our immediate life. We have managed to eliminate a source of tension that is afflicting a majority of families today. That’s not insignificant.

A Good Life

Our days are basically good, and that alone is a powerful motivator to keep doing what I’m doing. Because if we cannot predict the future and how our children will turn out, why would I not focus on the day-to-day and ensuring that it feels right? It seems that’s the only thing over which we have any degree of control.

I put real effort into filling our days with activities that will give my kids a sufficiently interesting life that, hopefully, they won’t look back on with resentment or wish they’d spent more time on devices. We are fortunate to be able to afford a family trip every year or two, entertain guests in our home, attend cultural events, send our kids to camp for a week each summer, and have time to spend talking together.

I also view the cost of these activities as a reallocation of funds that could have been spent on smartphones, data plans, video game consoles, gaming chairs, and new gigantic flat-screen TVs. Not buying any of those things frees up considerable cash for other activities.

A Flawed Model

Too often, parents are hyperfocused on the long-term goal of raising a kid, to the detriment of the daily goal of enjoying life. They view the child as a product that must be groomed, coddled, nurtured, and cajoled into a state of adult perfection and, in the process, forget to enjoy each day as it comes. This is exhausting, and it takes the pleasure out of the process.

I could be convinced that other families with permissive screen policies have it figured out if I saw their kids flourishing, but that’s not the case. That model does not seem to be working well for anyone. Numerous parents lament the screen-induced misery at home, echoing Haidt’s words. They describe their kids as ruined, distant, weird. They say they wish they could start over and do it differently. Some even say they dislike their own children.

I’ve read articles by older Gen Zers who are angry that their parents did not protect them sufficiently and let them get social media too young. Even they admit that their generation is struggling, that they’re wracked by anxiety, depression, loneliness, and trauma, that they are terrified of becoming independent adults. I know people whose children’s phone habits are linked to suicide attempts, criminal charges, academic failure, crippling anxiety, and impaired language development.

An Enjoyable Process

And so, I will forge ahead with my unconventional approach that has yet to prove its long-term success, but that’s OK. The short-term results look pretty good to me. My kids are doing well in school and sports, have plenty of friends, are affectionate with me. They help out around the house.

Best of all, though, I like this digital minimalist life. I like not fighting with my kids over phones or having to monitor what they’re doing. I look forward to waking up each morning and seeing them; they’re my favourite people in the whole world—and others tell me they’re great kids, too.

It is true that I do not know how my kids will turn out. No one does! Like many other parents out there, I am simply trying to do the best I can, with the tools I have at my disposal. But I am keenly aware that I have to enjoy the process of raising these young humans to adulthood, and if that means curbing digital media use now, so that each day is more pleasant than it might be otherwise, then I’m willing to run the risk of potential future resentment.

You Might Also Like:

Wonder, an Antidote to Despair
What Do Screen-Free Kids Do All Summer?
Let Them Have Silence

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