Thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about as this is an issue I have been grappling with for a while. I do strive for authenticity and connection but am wary of turning too much to my kids for "content" and have posted less and less about them as they grow. Here on Substack I've committed to never using their names when I write about them. I capture the moments I want to hold forever in my paper journal and try to use my discretion on everything else, but I'm still discerning all of this. The idea of digital modesty is one I'm going to explore more.
I think about this a lot! It's a real challenge as a writer, as well as on social media, to be truthful, honest and vulnerable about the day-to-day realities of being a parent and my relationships with my kids & partner, while also respecting their privacy. When I was writing my book about what it means to live, to lead and to parent in the uncertain future of climate change, I worked really hard to get the right balance of personal, vivid details about my life without actually sharing any private information about my kids. We'll see what they think of it when they are old enough to read it.
I'm a cottage baker and stay at home dad. I recently bailed from IG - it never felt like a good fit. Always too much hassle and not enough return on the investment of time and attention.
I once posted a video with one of my sons singing Crazy Train in the background. It was super cute. Got a lot of likes. But when I told him I'd posted it...he was only 4 or 5 at the time...he was offended. Horrified. Asked that I delete the post. I did without hesitation.
The bread sells itself. The content i create are real, wholesome sourdough calories. The real life 'mmms' I hear are all the validation I'll ever need.
I read an article in a newspaper a few years ago about a young woman who, on reaching her mid-teens, signed up to Facebook. She quickly saw that her mother had been posting regularly about her for her whole life - right from the naked baby photos and ‘funny’ childhood ones through to first love crushes and teenage acne.
She was horrified and asked her mum to delete it all and never to post again. The young woman said that she felt quite violated that her life had been put out there for all to see, even though it wasn’t done maliciously.
Sadly I remain connected to social media as my daughters constantly post updates about my grandchildren on there and I would miss so much about them otherwise.
100% agree. Love learning about appstinent.org for my kids when they are older. I got off all social media last year and appreciate the perspective that social media is optional.
I also opt for a digital camera that is not connected to the cloud, as Apple and social media cloud servers can then automatically access your information, along with facial recognition. Having a camera with a memory card is powerful, simple, and easy - just take out the chip, upload, then take it out - done. Love all the other points you make Katherine!
> Does posting add more to my life than it extracts?”
My Facebook feed is mostly family & friends and it is pretty rare that I see any of the typical modern social network bad posts from them (e.g. politics or blatant "influencing") and EVEN SO I often still struggle to see what it adds to my life to know that my niece's 18-month old toddler did something adorable today or that a friend's family enjoyed their modest holiday up the peninsula on the long weekend.
I don't mean that in some misanthropic way just...if I was talking to these people in real life those topics wouldn't come up or would take up like 30 seconds max of the conversation. They are so fleeting and ephemeral and anodyne that we (probably) wouldn't bother talking with friends and family about them or they would make up like 30 seconds max of "whatcha getupto over the weekend hey?". And...that didn't make us less connected in the days before social media!
All of this is so important, but particularly the part about selling off our kids to the internet which isn't being talked about enough in my opinion. Many years ago, I was one of those overposting moms whose kids' every action and utterance was fodder for my social media channels. At the time, I was a 'mom blogger' and I posted about my kids constantly, both to grow my brand and to try to connect with other moms who were experiencing the same things I was. But as my kids got older and I grew more disillusioned with social media, I started to have second thoughts about what I'd been doing all those years.
About five years ago, I decided I wasn't going to show their faces online anymore (I've since deleted all my social media accounts besides Notes, but I'm not naive enough to think I still didn't do some real damage in putting it all out there in the first place). Around the same time, I also decided that I would only write about my kids in ways that I feel confident they won't find invasive when they do read my work someday. It's hard sometimes because, as you point out, my stories certainly overlap a lot with theirs. But at the end of the day, I'd rather err on the side of digital modesty (love that term) and save a good deal of my stories for the people who lived them alongside me in real life.
Thanks for sharing your story, Melissa. It's a valuable reminder that it is possible to reevaluate, undo, and establish a new dynamic, based on information we've acquired.
YES to digital modesty and deliberate occlusion, distancing details of personal life of self and family from the view of the world.
I also think Harrington's personal code of what to publish is a good model. Her last point is most intriguing: "Self-disclosure only in the context of wider argument".
I'm maybe not contorting, but as a freelancer developed the thic skin let's call it and it is changing me a lot. I'm exhausted from not being able to relax sometimes.
There’s so much I agree with here. But the first story struck a nerve because it’s what a close relative did. I had no announcement of her pregnancy or anything until I got the invitation to her baby shower. Like you, my first thought was, “Who’s having a baby?” I wondered why she wouldn’t have wanted me to know sooner and celebrate with her, but she felt no qualms about asking for a gift. I live in a different country from her, so she knew I wouldn’t be likely to attend. Frankly, I felt stung. Yes, I realize there’s a lot of distance between us, but I wanted to believe we could still be close enough to share good news with each other, at least over text?! She posts other things about her life on social media, so hearing about a baby, a life I want to rejoice about with her, in this way felt actually kind of rude. I agree that some people share way too much, beyond what is theirs to tell, and that term “pornography of the self” is going to stick with me. But as someone who spent most of her life distanced from loved ones, first because of my parents’ work and later because of my husband’s, my involvement on social media started as a means of connection and that’s what it remains to be at the core.
I used to post my kids quite a bit - on IG, on FB, on a blog that really only my family and friends read, but still, etc. About a year ago, I was at a theme park and saw a child I recognized. It took me a minute to remember why I recognized her, but then I realized it was from her mother's popular social media. I looked around and recognized her dad, her little brother, etc. I don't know these people and yet, I could have called that little girl's name, earned her confidence by talking to her IN DETAIL about her life. It freaked me out so much, I came home and removed my kids' faces from every social media platform I was on. I will never ever put my kids in that kind of danger ever again.
If I could like this a thousand times I could! I am a firm believer that children are not content!
Thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about as this is an issue I have been grappling with for a while. I do strive for authenticity and connection but am wary of turning too much to my kids for "content" and have posted less and less about them as they grow. Here on Substack I've committed to never using their names when I write about them. I capture the moments I want to hold forever in my paper journal and try to use my discretion on everything else, but I'm still discerning all of this. The idea of digital modesty is one I'm going to explore more.
I think about this a lot! It's a real challenge as a writer, as well as on social media, to be truthful, honest and vulnerable about the day-to-day realities of being a parent and my relationships with my kids & partner, while also respecting their privacy. When I was writing my book about what it means to live, to lead and to parent in the uncertain future of climate change, I worked really hard to get the right balance of personal, vivid details about my life without actually sharing any private information about my kids. We'll see what they think of it when they are old enough to read it.
I'm a cottage baker and stay at home dad. I recently bailed from IG - it never felt like a good fit. Always too much hassle and not enough return on the investment of time and attention.
I once posted a video with one of my sons singing Crazy Train in the background. It was super cute. Got a lot of likes. But when I told him I'd posted it...he was only 4 or 5 at the time...he was offended. Horrified. Asked that I delete the post. I did without hesitation.
The bread sells itself. The content i create are real, wholesome sourdough calories. The real life 'mmms' I hear are all the validation I'll ever need.
I read an article in a newspaper a few years ago about a young woman who, on reaching her mid-teens, signed up to Facebook. She quickly saw that her mother had been posting regularly about her for her whole life - right from the naked baby photos and ‘funny’ childhood ones through to first love crushes and teenage acne.
She was horrified and asked her mum to delete it all and never to post again. The young woman said that she felt quite violated that her life had been put out there for all to see, even though it wasn’t done maliciously.
Sadly I remain connected to social media as my daughters constantly post updates about my grandchildren on there and I would miss so much about them otherwise.
100% agree. Love learning about appstinent.org for my kids when they are older. I got off all social media last year and appreciate the perspective that social media is optional.
I also opt for a digital camera that is not connected to the cloud, as Apple and social media cloud servers can then automatically access your information, along with facial recognition. Having a camera with a memory card is powerful, simple, and easy - just take out the chip, upload, then take it out - done. Love all the other points you make Katherine!
> Does posting add more to my life than it extracts?”
My Facebook feed is mostly family & friends and it is pretty rare that I see any of the typical modern social network bad posts from them (e.g. politics or blatant "influencing") and EVEN SO I often still struggle to see what it adds to my life to know that my niece's 18-month old toddler did something adorable today or that a friend's family enjoyed their modest holiday up the peninsula on the long weekend.
I don't mean that in some misanthropic way just...if I was talking to these people in real life those topics wouldn't come up or would take up like 30 seconds max of the conversation. They are so fleeting and ephemeral and anodyne that we (probably) wouldn't bother talking with friends and family about them or they would make up like 30 seconds max of "whatcha getupto over the weekend hey?". And...that didn't make us less connected in the days before social media!
That's a great point I hadn't considered before. Thanks!
All of this is so important, but particularly the part about selling off our kids to the internet which isn't being talked about enough in my opinion. Many years ago, I was one of those overposting moms whose kids' every action and utterance was fodder for my social media channels. At the time, I was a 'mom blogger' and I posted about my kids constantly, both to grow my brand and to try to connect with other moms who were experiencing the same things I was. But as my kids got older and I grew more disillusioned with social media, I started to have second thoughts about what I'd been doing all those years.
About five years ago, I decided I wasn't going to show their faces online anymore (I've since deleted all my social media accounts besides Notes, but I'm not naive enough to think I still didn't do some real damage in putting it all out there in the first place). Around the same time, I also decided that I would only write about my kids in ways that I feel confident they won't find invasive when they do read my work someday. It's hard sometimes because, as you point out, my stories certainly overlap a lot with theirs. But at the end of the day, I'd rather err on the side of digital modesty (love that term) and save a good deal of my stories for the people who lived them alongside me in real life.
Thanks for sharing your story, Melissa. It's a valuable reminder that it is possible to reevaluate, undo, and establish a new dynamic, based on information we've acquired.
YES to digital modesty and deliberate occlusion, distancing details of personal life of self and family from the view of the world.
I also think Harrington's personal code of what to publish is a good model. Her last point is most intriguing: "Self-disclosure only in the context of wider argument".
Beautiful writing. Wonderful sentiment. Thank you!
I'm maybe not contorting, but as a freelancer developed the thic skin let's call it and it is changing me a lot. I'm exhausted from not being able to relax sometimes.
There’s so much I agree with here. But the first story struck a nerve because it’s what a close relative did. I had no announcement of her pregnancy or anything until I got the invitation to her baby shower. Like you, my first thought was, “Who’s having a baby?” I wondered why she wouldn’t have wanted me to know sooner and celebrate with her, but she felt no qualms about asking for a gift. I live in a different country from her, so she knew I wouldn’t be likely to attend. Frankly, I felt stung. Yes, I realize there’s a lot of distance between us, but I wanted to believe we could still be close enough to share good news with each other, at least over text?! She posts other things about her life on social media, so hearing about a baby, a life I want to rejoice about with her, in this way felt actually kind of rude. I agree that some people share way too much, beyond what is theirs to tell, and that term “pornography of the self” is going to stick with me. But as someone who spent most of her life distanced from loved ones, first because of my parents’ work and later because of my husband’s, my involvement on social media started as a means of connection and that’s what it remains to be at the core.
I used to post my kids quite a bit - on IG, on FB, on a blog that really only my family and friends read, but still, etc. About a year ago, I was at a theme park and saw a child I recognized. It took me a minute to remember why I recognized her, but then I realized it was from her mother's popular social media. I looked around and recognized her dad, her little brother, etc. I don't know these people and yet, I could have called that little girl's name, earned her confidence by talking to her IN DETAIL about her life. It freaked me out so much, I came home and removed my kids' faces from every social media platform I was on. I will never ever put my kids in that kind of danger ever again.
Wow, that's an interesting and alarming perspective. I can see how that would've freaked me out, too. I'm glad it spurred you to action!