The Transformed Child

Meltdowns will end as your child relearns how to play.

A friend pushed back against my suggestion for a digital detox at the end of summer. “You don’t get it,” he said. “My kids don’t play the way yours do. They have zero hobbies. If I took away their devices, they’d have nothing to do. No way to entertain themselves. It would be a disaster.”

He is not wrong. I have no doubt that his children would struggle if their phones and iPads were confiscated, and they were suddenly forced to find other things to do. But his comment raised an important point that I think some parents miss.

Your screen-addled child is a very different child than your screen-free, or even “screen-lite”, child. So, while your screen-addled child will most definitely be at loose ends initially without their device, they will not stay that way. They will undergo an inevitable transformation, as one does whenever a lifestyle change occurs, and you will soon have a different (read: easier) child to contend with, one that is slowly developing the skills to entertain themselves without a device in hand.

This has been described as a virtuous circle of improvement, which is apt. By confronting and dealing with one key factor that may be having a negative influence on a child’s brain chemistry, their ability to focus, exercise, sleep, study, have conversations, and generally feel good about themselves, everything else improves. No longer influenced by the device, the child starts to feel calmer, more relaxed, more confident, more well-rested, more communicative, creative, and so on. You get a more rational child.

I like to think of it as an environmental change, swapping one habitat for another. Social critic Neil Postman famously described technology as having an “ecological” effect, and I described his perspective in my own book, Childhood Unplugged:

“If you introduce a species to a particular bioregion, for example, you don’t get the old bioregion plus the new species; you get a whole new bioregion because you’ve altered the conditions. There are new interactions between species, new predator-prey dynamics, new competition for resources. Technology works in the same way.”

When you take it away, you get different inputs and, automatically, different outputs. You get a transformed child who’s being shaped by new influences, and their behaviour can’t help but change.

Fitness, Physical and Mental

I joined a gym after my second child was born. I hated it, but I knew I had to do something to tackle the frustrations I felt with how I looked and felt. It was a grind for the first few months, maybe even years, but eventually I became deeply committed to that routine, and now can’t imagine not going. People often tell me they wish they could go to my gym, but they need to “get fit first.” That’s not how it works. You just have to start, uncomfortable though it is, and trust that the work will pay off in due time.

Excessive screen time is a form of mental unfitness for many children. Breaking that habit and starting to “exercise” other forms of play will feel uncomfortable, unnatural, awkward, even painful at times. But it gets so much easier if you can stick with it. The child starts to “stretch” those independent, free play muscles that may have gone a bit rusty (or never been developed in the first place).

As Dr. Victoria Dunckley writes in Reset Your Child’s Brain, there is neurological rewiring that needs to occur:

“If [you are] successful, your child will be more capable of engaging for extended periods in healthier solitary or join play peacefully… This isn’t a fantasy… [A digital] reset improves frontal lobe functioning, which enhances the ability to self-initiate activities, tolerate frustration, lose oneself in imaginary play, read quietly, daydream, cooperate with siblings, and find wonder in nature. Don’t get overwhelmed by imagining a life of parenting without screens… Many of the inconveniences that seem so daunting right now may resolve themselves naturally.”

So, while I do not deny that the adaptation phase will be rough, especially if your child is deeply dependent on devices for entertainment, it does get easier. You will not have to contend with those intense meltdowns forever. You are not locked into an immutable state that can never evolve. Don’t lose hope and don’t assume it’s too late to make a difference.

A world of potential awaits by taking that first step and sticking to it: You will get a kid who’s more mature, has broader interests, a better sense of self and well-being, and enjoys higher quality relationships. You, in turn, as the parent, will become more relaxed, too, thanks to the sense of relief that comes with acting on an issue that has been bothering you for a while—and a child will respond positively to that, too.

You Might Also Like:

On Reclaiming Leisure
When Adults Help Kids
Sibling Camaraderie

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Have You Read Childhood Unplugged?

That’s my book, aka my fourth child! (It also took 9 months to birth.) If you haven’t read it yet, please pick up a copy at your local bookstore or library. If you liked it, consider leaving a review on Amazon. This is hugely helpful for boosting attention and sales. I love checking out the latest reviews, like this delightful one that was just posted a few days ago by Cory J in the USA:

Sometimes it feels like my wife and I are the crazy ones, not giving our kids tablets to numb them at every moment of discomfort, not permitting video games, and saving shows and movies only for a weekly scheduled family event. But after reading this book, and many others that the author references, I realize that we are just trying to take back childhood and sanity. At almost every page, I found myself screaming (sometimes into a pillow) “YES! THANK YOU!” If you are a parent questioning if you want or should limit devices, need evidence, and pragmatic solutions, then buy this book, take notes, and share widely with other parents. There is so much more to childhood than staring at screens, and the opportunity cost of what kids COULD be doing with their screen time is what makes me sad for kids these days. Thanks to the author for such an easy to read, well references, and practical book!

Thank you so much, Cory! You made all those long days of researching and writing totally worth it with those thoughtful words.

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