Phones Make Us Worse Parents

Ever heard of "technoference"?

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I was sitting on the sidelines of my youngest son’s soccer practice last week. I am embarrassed to admit that, at one point, I picked up my phone to read a lengthy time-sensitive email about some writing I had submitted for publication.

My son came sprinting out of nowhere, stopped in front of me, and, without hesitation, clicked my phone off, locking the screen. “Mom!” he yelled. “You know you shouldn’t be on your phone. You need to watch me!”

He ran off as quickly as he’d come, back to his drills, and I started to laugh, along with a coach who’d overheard the exchange. He was absolutely right. As time-sensitive as that email was, it could wait another half hour until we were home. I sheepishly put my phone away. (Oh, how children keep us humble!)

I did have something far more important to do in that moment, which was watch him do soccer drills. And not just watch him—it was more about being alert to his little bids for connection, the frequent times when he looked over to make eye connection or wave or smile at me. He very much wanted to know I was present, mentally as well as physically. He wanted the gift of my full attention for that hour.

This Is ‘Technoference’

I thought of that scenario when I encountered a new term while reading this week. “Technoference”—a portmanteau of “technology” and “interference”—is defined as “everyday interruptions in interpersonal interactions or time spent together that occur due to digital and mobile technology devices.”

It is one thing to be an adult snubbed by another adult on a phone (we all know how unpleasant that feels), but technoference is particularly troubling within the context of parent-child relationships. I delved into some fascinating research by Jenny Radesky, a developmental behavioral pediatrician and clinical researcher, who has published several studies looking at parent-child interactions and technology. Radesky’s research has found the following.

Kids’ behaviour deteriorates when parents use phones.

Researchers have found that young children are more inclined to act silly, raise their voices, and show more impulsive behaviours “when their caregivers’ attention was attuned to a mobile device during fast food meals.” They’re making bids for attention, and not getting it, which causes them to scale up their efforts.

Another study of family phone use habits found that “children are often frustrated by the sudden withdrawal of parental attention when responding to a notification on a mobile device, especially if the reason for device use is unclear.”

Back to that email I was reading, it was important and required a prompt response, but my son could not have known that. From the perspective of kids, adults on phones are checking out, opting to scroll instead of engage with them—and that knowledge must sting. It is a form of blatant rejection.

This is likely why some experts recommend explaining to a child what you’re doing on your phone to give it context, i.e., “I’m looking up a recipe to make for dinner,” or “Let’s FaceTime Grandma now.”

Quality of parenting deteriorates.

Parents talk less to their children when devices are present, and when they do respond, it’s often with hostility or irritation. Their attitude is, “Stop interrupting me. I have something better to do.” This is bad at every age, whether it’s a young child learning to speak or a teenager needing to discuss a problem.

Parents describe themselves as being so cognitively and emotionally affected by smartphone use that they are less able to read and respond to children’s behavioural cues. Essentially, they are missing opportunities to get to know their child and learn how to handle their unique emotional ups and downs.

We know that young people struggle to read verbal, facial, and social cues if they spend too much time on devices, and that getting rid of those devices causes those skills to improve. It could be that the same thing is happening with parents and their children.

An awful cycle is perpetuated.

“Parents who reported more stressful child behavior were more likely to retreat into their phones during parent-child activities, which in turn contributed to greater child behavior problems,” Radesky said. In other words, poor behaviour leads to greater parental phone use, which leads to worsening behaviour. Ignoring your kid to look at your phone, as appealing as it may be, will not make a problem go away. It is more likely to amplify it.

This Shouldn’t Be Surprising

First, the Internet world is highly appealing. Social media feeds can be beautiful, alluring, aspirational. They’re predictably engaging; you can always count on a little dopamine hit, even if you don’t know from what. They can make us feel immediately purposeful (email sent! workout score logged! sign-up complete!) in a way that parenting, an extremely long-term game, does not.

Meanwhile, children—our smartphone’s main competitor—are complicated, fickle little creatures. And even the most experienced, calm, and competent parent will come up against moments of total incomprehension. I often joke that, even after 15 years of raising three kids, there’s at least one moment every day when I don’t know what to do. It doesn’t last long, but I come up against that now-familiar feeling of hitting a standstill, of groping in the darkness for an effective and sensible solution to a wholly new problem.

Radesky wrote in a 2019 article for Pacific Standard that it takes a lot of mental effort to read a child's mind:

“We have to look at body language, pay attention to both the salient aspects (e.g., throwing food) and subtext (e.g., is this a developmental stage of independence testing?) of behavior, and remember prior patterns of behavior and how they might relate to this moment (e.g., how did I react the last time he threw food at me?)… What if we peek into someone else's mind and don't like what we see? What if it's too distressed, negative, or just opaque?”

Would it not be easier to go down the digital rabbit hole of Instagram scrolling or Amazon shopping, rather than deal with whatever puzzling situation has cropped up? Of course. But those are the parenting moments that count. Those are the life-shaping interactions when you read that kid’s cues, both subtle and explicit; you sit them down to discuss emotions and appropriate responses; and you direct the full force field of your attention onto them. That’s when you do your job.

Five years ago, Radesky put it bluntly. “We are only 11 years into this smartphone experiment, so I'm hopeful that the next generation of children, after watching us be fools for our devices, may decide it's not worth it.” I think we can safely generalize that matters have only worsened, that parents and kids now spend even more time on phones, that even younger children are on them, and that wearable tech like smartwatches have made parents even more out of touch with their kids’ subtle behavioural cues.

It’s a dismal, dire situation. I do not know what the future holds. But I do know that I will not be checking any more emails at soccer practice. Time flies, and this is the last year that I’ll be able to sit in the warm evening sun, watching adorable U10s run around clumsily and joyously, kicking a ball like they’re having the time of their lives. I don’t want to miss a minute of it, and I want my son to sense that, too.

You Might Also Like:

It’s the Adults, Not the Kids!
Adult Screen Resolutions for a New Year
Let Them Have Silence

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In the News:

I was interviewed by World News Group for a piece titled “Social media tempts teens with pornography.” From the article:

Martinko says she will continue to restrict her sons’ access to social media, whether or not leaders put other protections in place. “My oldest son is almost 15 years old—I’m not going to wait around for warnings to show up on things or the laws to change to tell him ‘no,’” she said. “My job is right now.”

Other parents should not wait either, she said.

“If we had to choose between parents who are cracking down or legislation that’s cracking down,” she said, “I think the parents are going to be the most effective, most immediate source of benefits to the kids at this stage.”

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