First off kudos on an interesting parenting topic that hasn't been done to death!
I was thinking about a related but very similar thing last night while my wife & I were folding laundry after the kids had gone to bed and she had some streaming video thing on her phone playing the whole time. I couldn't (and still can't) quite articulate why I didn't like it. People multitask all the time. Lots of people talk (positively) about listening to podcasts while doing chores. Lots of people have the TV on constantly while doing chores. Yes, there is some sense of "can't you live without your streaming video for 10 minutes while we fold laundry" but also...why should people? Do they really need to be present in the moment with Buddhist focus on every mundane task? Isn't part of the promise of technology to free us (somewhat, at least) from the idiocy of drudgery? I used to live in a developing country where parking lot pay booth attendants were still universal and it is extremely common for them to be on Youtube/Tiktok/Instagram or videocalling friends all day and...surely that's a humane improvement over them just staring at a concrete wall for 8+ hours a day in solitude? But also that's not really the use case most Americans and their kids are facing so hard to draw lessons from it.
And why is videocalling -- which is surely a closer analogue to real human interactions than a weirdly disembodied voice call where you can't see facial expressions and read body language -- seen as worse? Even though I mostly agree? Is videocalling really worse than putting someone on speakerphone while you do the dishes and putter around the house for 2+ hours (something I've seen older generations do)?
Maybe the real problem isn't the videocalling exactly but the constant but low-level connection while we try to "multitask". Instead of having a concentrated, focused 15- or 30- or 60-minute call with a friend of loved one where we give them our undivided attention it becomes -- much like chatting -- this extended thing where the other person isn't our focus but more of a fall-back. And surely nobody likes being the fall back option? Almost like we need to take Cal Newport's idea of Deep Work and apply it to our relationships as well.
Thanks for this thought-provoking essay. It resonates with my gut FaceTime reaction of “ugh” — probably because we did so much of it during the pandemic for both work and social purposes.
While of course there is a place for it in some cases, like planning a vacation with friends who live across the country or keeping in touch with family members we only see a few times a year, I do worry about my toddler, who is growing up thinking “phone” means you can see the person’s face; we don’t do much of it, but it’s hard to tell how much of her excitement is the joy of seeing a loved one and how much is the drug-like effect of using a screen.
Also ironic that I spent my teen years being chided by my parents for spending too much time on the regular old landline phone. They used the same logic (“there are better ways to spend your time”) and you know what, they were right! Just, you know, don’t tell them I said that. 🙃
Occasionally I’ll have friends who live in other states suggest that we FaceTime, and it fills me with such dread. Talking on the phone I am able to focus on their words, and retain part of my personal space, but with the camera running it just drains me. I know this isn’t the case for everybody but I can definitely see how it puts stressors on kids they aren’t even fully cognizant of.
“I recently realized that my reluctance might stem from the same reason why I don't let my kids surf the Internet on their own: I cannot control what they might be exposed to visually when conversing on FaceTime."
Good for her. When you give children unsupervised access to the internet, what you’re actually doing is giving the world unsupervised access to your children.
Screens are black mirrors that spill toxic waste into the minds and living rooms of people all over the world. There is a reason Kurt Vonnegut said this:
“Future generations will look back on TVas the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.”
Thank you for writing about this. We have four children and our 13-year-old daughter is the only who is homeschooled this year. She FaceTimes daily with some of her other homeschooled friends. I knew it was becoming too much because she was getting behind on her work for her co-op. We finally had to tell her that she isn't allowed on the phone at all during the hours of 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Now her work is actually getting done. Before that, she would say she was going to FaceTime with a friend and do their work together. I would guess that it was probably 50/50 with getting work done and just chatting. We are also curbing how long she is Facetiming in the evenings now.
First off kudos on an interesting parenting topic that hasn't been done to death!
I was thinking about a related but very similar thing last night while my wife & I were folding laundry after the kids had gone to bed and she had some streaming video thing on her phone playing the whole time. I couldn't (and still can't) quite articulate why I didn't like it. People multitask all the time. Lots of people talk (positively) about listening to podcasts while doing chores. Lots of people have the TV on constantly while doing chores. Yes, there is some sense of "can't you live without your streaming video for 10 minutes while we fold laundry" but also...why should people? Do they really need to be present in the moment with Buddhist focus on every mundane task? Isn't part of the promise of technology to free us (somewhat, at least) from the idiocy of drudgery? I used to live in a developing country where parking lot pay booth attendants were still universal and it is extremely common for them to be on Youtube/Tiktok/Instagram or videocalling friends all day and...surely that's a humane improvement over them just staring at a concrete wall for 8+ hours a day in solitude? But also that's not really the use case most Americans and their kids are facing so hard to draw lessons from it.
And why is videocalling -- which is surely a closer analogue to real human interactions than a weirdly disembodied voice call where you can't see facial expressions and read body language -- seen as worse? Even though I mostly agree? Is videocalling really worse than putting someone on speakerphone while you do the dishes and putter around the house for 2+ hours (something I've seen older generations do)?
Maybe the real problem isn't the videocalling exactly but the constant but low-level connection while we try to "multitask". Instead of having a concentrated, focused 15- or 30- or 60-minute call with a friend of loved one where we give them our undivided attention it becomes -- much like chatting -- this extended thing where the other person isn't our focus but more of a fall-back. And surely nobody likes being the fall back option? Almost like we need to take Cal Newport's idea of Deep Work and apply it to our relationships as well.
Thanks for this thought-provoking essay. It resonates with my gut FaceTime reaction of “ugh” — probably because we did so much of it during the pandemic for both work and social purposes.
While of course there is a place for it in some cases, like planning a vacation with friends who live across the country or keeping in touch with family members we only see a few times a year, I do worry about my toddler, who is growing up thinking “phone” means you can see the person’s face; we don’t do much of it, but it’s hard to tell how much of her excitement is the joy of seeing a loved one and how much is the drug-like effect of using a screen.
Also ironic that I spent my teen years being chided by my parents for spending too much time on the regular old landline phone. They used the same logic (“there are better ways to spend your time”) and you know what, they were right! Just, you know, don’t tell them I said that. 🙃
Occasionally I’ll have friends who live in other states suggest that we FaceTime, and it fills me with such dread. Talking on the phone I am able to focus on their words, and retain part of my personal space, but with the camera running it just drains me. I know this isn’t the case for everybody but I can definitely see how it puts stressors on kids they aren’t even fully cognizant of.
“I recently realized that my reluctance might stem from the same reason why I don't let my kids surf the Internet on their own: I cannot control what they might be exposed to visually when conversing on FaceTime."
Good for her. When you give children unsupervised access to the internet, what you’re actually doing is giving the world unsupervised access to your children.
Screens are black mirrors that spill toxic waste into the minds and living rooms of people all over the world. There is a reason Kurt Vonnegut said this:
“Future generations will look back on TVas the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.”
We should all act accordingly
Great quote! I hadn't heard that before.
Thank you for writing about this. We have four children and our 13-year-old daughter is the only who is homeschooled this year. She FaceTimes daily with some of her other homeschooled friends. I knew it was becoming too much because she was getting behind on her work for her co-op. We finally had to tell her that she isn't allowed on the phone at all during the hours of 9 a.m.-2 p.m. Now her work is actually getting done. Before that, she would say she was going to FaceTime with a friend and do their work together. I would guess that it was probably 50/50 with getting work done and just chatting. We are also curbing how long she is Facetiming in the evenings now.