The disconnection we’re feeling is more than personal, it’s cultural. As a mother of young children, I see how loneliness doesn’t only touch adults. Our kids feel it too. It shapes their childhoods in ways we don’t always recognize. These suggestions for finding community are so helpful, especially the reminder to take initiative and become the social aggregator. I’ve done this, for myself and for my children, and it does help. But still, there’s something undeniably sad about how much effort it takes. That neighborhood kids can’t just run out and play. That even a playdate with someone two doors down has to be scheduled in advance. It’s a quiet loss we don’t talk about enough. I just wrote a post about the loneliness of my own neighborhood. Thank you for writing on this subject.
I agree it is vital to get out and do things and to actually talk to people, even if it is a simple hello. If you want people to invest in you, then you have to invest in other people. Volunteering is the best way to do that and helping others makes you feel good. But even if you live in a place with not a lot going on, even just going to a coffee shop each day at the same time to read, for example, can help create a sense of community and connection, especially if you take the time to say hello to the workers and other people who frequent the place. It is also important to say yes to invitations or other opportunities even if they are outside your comfort zone because you never know who you will meet or where it may lead.
This hit home. I’ve got a full social life—small town, long-term relationship, familiar faces at the grocery store—but it wouldn’t take much to flip the script. One health scare, one hurricane (we collect them), and I could be talking to my houseplants full-time.
Loneliness can sneak in even when you’re technically “not alone.” Naming it, planning for it, staying mindful—that feels like the grown-up version of putting on your own oxygen mask first.
Thank you for putting into words a message that so many of us need—whether we realize it yet or not. You initially wrote it for one reader, but it reached a lot more.
"But multi-age gatherings and friends of diverse ages are wonderful to have, too."
Not just wonderful, essential. Youth need elders, and elders need youth, and we all need everyone between. Generational silos lead to so many bad outcomes it boggles the mind to consider.
I remember feeling frustrated by how much socialising I was forced to do when I was a kid. As an adult, I’ve enjoyed being able to say no to exhausting social engagements because I love being in my own. But I am noticing how difficult it’s becoming to invite people over for dinner or meet up with another family if our kids aren’t friends. We’re out of practice and it’s starting to feel scary to get back out there! Now I see why it’s worth making an effort with people, even as an introvert - especially now phones are making it too easy to stay disconnected. Thanks for sharing your great on this important part of life.
What a great story! I just got back from spending two weeks in beautiful Sardinia with my family. I would humbly suggest you don't have to move to a small town to avoid loneliness. Perhaps that's the case in the US where everything is designed for cars. But a great neighborhood in a walkable city functions just as well. In our corner of Munich I usually can't walk for more than 5 minutes without meeting someone form our kids school, a neighbor or someone from one of my social groups. Sometimes annoyingly so!
Thank you for addressing this. I often feel lonely in my own neighborhood, which is a planned suburb in a rural setting. Although we have sidewalks, we can't walk to any stores or restaurants, as we will eventually walk out to a two-lane highway. We all have backyards (some much bigger than others), but not enough space for our children to roam free or to be allowed to have chickens. I have tried multiple times to get together with neighbors and some of them are so introverted that I have completely given up on inviting them over anymore. Others are more likely to get together, but we have to put it on our calendars and plan to go to a restaurant outside of our neighborhood, even though we live next door to one another. I don't generally have trouble planning to get together with friends who don't live in my neighborhood and I learned long ago that if I planned it, those friends were definitely happy to meet up. My husband and I often discuss moving to an actual rural setting or a very small town and living in a walkable area. The one suggestion that really stuck out to me was the idea of working or volunteering. I am part of a church, and we have a community there so that's not a problem and I am able to volunteer there as well as in other areas of our community. But I have been thinking about getting a part-time job. I homeschool two of my children, and two are in private school so I am limited in the hours I can be away from home. But I know that working part-time would also provide some more community and combat the loneliness. In the homeschooling arena, I usually have community with people through the co-ops that we are a part of but those have their limitations too. Some of the co-ops are drop-off programs so you do not need to stay but it also means you don't get to talk to other moms. Some co-ops are good about setting up field trips or mom/family get-togethers, but others have not been good about that. This year, we will be in a co-op where the moms stay, and I think that will be good for me to have to stay and get to talk with other mothers. They also have meet-ups for the moms, a book club, a couple of family gatherings, and field trips, so I think the loneliness will abate during this school year. However, I think the mom you mentioned in your post really struck a chord when she said that homeschooling was good, but that was a season, and now it's done. That's something for me to keep in mind for when my homeschooling season is done.
Thank you to the writer, for their vulnerable honesty. And thank you to Katherine, for your thoughtful response. I'm really curious about your point about moving to a small town. Increasingly, I have been thinking about this option. I'm wondering if others have done this or considered it? I can't tell if it's simply a matter of the grass looks greener on the other side, or something more significant and real. We live in a mid-size university town in the American Southeast, and although we've worked hard to create community (church, neighbors, etc.), it is still so exhausting and lonely to be the only family with kids out playing during the day. In the summer. (Everyone else is inside on screens or in camps for 10 weeks). I'm curious as to others' experiences...especially when many of us move to these communities for the "good schools" or community resources...
The disconnection we’re feeling is more than personal, it’s cultural. As a mother of young children, I see how loneliness doesn’t only touch adults. Our kids feel it too. It shapes their childhoods in ways we don’t always recognize. These suggestions for finding community are so helpful, especially the reminder to take initiative and become the social aggregator. I’ve done this, for myself and for my children, and it does help. But still, there’s something undeniably sad about how much effort it takes. That neighborhood kids can’t just run out and play. That even a playdate with someone two doors down has to be scheduled in advance. It’s a quiet loss we don’t talk about enough. I just wrote a post about the loneliness of my own neighborhood. Thank you for writing on this subject.
I agree it is vital to get out and do things and to actually talk to people, even if it is a simple hello. If you want people to invest in you, then you have to invest in other people. Volunteering is the best way to do that and helping others makes you feel good. But even if you live in a place with not a lot going on, even just going to a coffee shop each day at the same time to read, for example, can help create a sense of community and connection, especially if you take the time to say hello to the workers and other people who frequent the place. It is also important to say yes to invitations or other opportunities even if they are outside your comfort zone because you never know who you will meet or where it may lead.
This hit home. I’ve got a full social life—small town, long-term relationship, familiar faces at the grocery store—but it wouldn’t take much to flip the script. One health scare, one hurricane (we collect them), and I could be talking to my houseplants full-time.
Loneliness can sneak in even when you’re technically “not alone.” Naming it, planning for it, staying mindful—that feels like the grown-up version of putting on your own oxygen mask first.
Thank you for putting into words a message that so many of us need—whether we realize it yet or not. You initially wrote it for one reader, but it reached a lot more.
"But multi-age gatherings and friends of diverse ages are wonderful to have, too."
Not just wonderful, essential. Youth need elders, and elders need youth, and we all need everyone between. Generational silos lead to so many bad outcomes it boggles the mind to consider.
I remember feeling frustrated by how much socialising I was forced to do when I was a kid. As an adult, I’ve enjoyed being able to say no to exhausting social engagements because I love being in my own. But I am noticing how difficult it’s becoming to invite people over for dinner or meet up with another family if our kids aren’t friends. We’re out of practice and it’s starting to feel scary to get back out there! Now I see why it’s worth making an effort with people, even as an introvert - especially now phones are making it too easy to stay disconnected. Thanks for sharing your great on this important part of life.
What a great story! I just got back from spending two weeks in beautiful Sardinia with my family. I would humbly suggest you don't have to move to a small town to avoid loneliness. Perhaps that's the case in the US where everything is designed for cars. But a great neighborhood in a walkable city functions just as well. In our corner of Munich I usually can't walk for more than 5 minutes without meeting someone form our kids school, a neighbor or someone from one of my social groups. Sometimes annoyingly so!
Thank you for addressing this. I often feel lonely in my own neighborhood, which is a planned suburb in a rural setting. Although we have sidewalks, we can't walk to any stores or restaurants, as we will eventually walk out to a two-lane highway. We all have backyards (some much bigger than others), but not enough space for our children to roam free or to be allowed to have chickens. I have tried multiple times to get together with neighbors and some of them are so introverted that I have completely given up on inviting them over anymore. Others are more likely to get together, but we have to put it on our calendars and plan to go to a restaurant outside of our neighborhood, even though we live next door to one another. I don't generally have trouble planning to get together with friends who don't live in my neighborhood and I learned long ago that if I planned it, those friends were definitely happy to meet up. My husband and I often discuss moving to an actual rural setting or a very small town and living in a walkable area. The one suggestion that really stuck out to me was the idea of working or volunteering. I am part of a church, and we have a community there so that's not a problem and I am able to volunteer there as well as in other areas of our community. But I have been thinking about getting a part-time job. I homeschool two of my children, and two are in private school so I am limited in the hours I can be away from home. But I know that working part-time would also provide some more community and combat the loneliness. In the homeschooling arena, I usually have community with people through the co-ops that we are a part of but those have their limitations too. Some of the co-ops are drop-off programs so you do not need to stay but it also means you don't get to talk to other moms. Some co-ops are good about setting up field trips or mom/family get-togethers, but others have not been good about that. This year, we will be in a co-op where the moms stay, and I think that will be good for me to have to stay and get to talk with other mothers. They also have meet-ups for the moms, a book club, a couple of family gatherings, and field trips, so I think the loneliness will abate during this school year. However, I think the mom you mentioned in your post really struck a chord when she said that homeschooling was good, but that was a season, and now it's done. That's something for me to keep in mind for when my homeschooling season is done.
Thank you to the writer, for their vulnerable honesty. And thank you to Katherine, for your thoughtful response. I'm really curious about your point about moving to a small town. Increasingly, I have been thinking about this option. I'm wondering if others have done this or considered it? I can't tell if it's simply a matter of the grass looks greener on the other side, or something more significant and real. We live in a mid-size university town in the American Southeast, and although we've worked hard to create community (church, neighbors, etc.), it is still so exhausting and lonely to be the only family with kids out playing during the day. In the summer. (Everyone else is inside on screens or in camps for 10 weeks). I'm curious as to others' experiences...especially when many of us move to these communities for the "good schools" or community resources...