Any fan of Miss Manners will know, that an RSVP of promised attendance is an iron-clad commitment only breakable if the invitee is half dead, hosting should always be reciprocated in whatever manner is possible, and a thank you note after the event is an absolute requirement. Modern society has written off basic etiquette as stuffy and out-of-date, and now can’t understand why everyone is lonely and no one invites people over anymore. The call is coming from inside the house.
I'm pretty bad at knowing those basic rules of etiquette, I didn't grow up with them. But the two I do know are to RSVP and, having responded to an event, to SHOW UP. Are there times my introverted self wishes I hadn't agreed? Sure. But I show up anyway and am usually glad to have done so.
I didn’t grow up with them either, but I’m a nerd who read etiquette books for fun all the way through high school and college. Judith Martin’s sass and depth of knowledge on the history of the rules were so much fun to read! I highly recommend her!
I think treating the maxim “do what you say you will do” as a matter of “etiquette,” which may vary culture by culture, is itself a bad thing. This shouldn’t be the type of thing you have to learn.
This is a situation where it shocks me how quickly we forget the COVID lockdown days. When people were complaining about family obligations during this most recent holiday season, I was constantly remembering how desperate we were to see any loved ones at all, for even an hour, during the 2020 holiday season. It's the same with general invitations to parties and gatherings; I am still eternally grateful that I get to see people in person after the COVID days of going without that for a year+. It's sad how quickly so many people have moved to taking social gatherings for granted and not respecting your relationship with a friend to the point that you would flake on something for no good reason.
I think of Newton's definition of "inertia" - the property of an object to keep moving in the same direction at the same speed unless acted on by an outside force.
Lockdowns were a very strong outside force. They gave people a new direction and speed - being stationary. At home. Now their intertia keeps them there.
People have habits. They spent two years prohibited from leaving home, so they developed the habit of staying at home. This has shown up in restaurant bookings, too - people get it delivered instead.
I once had a friend from college (not a close relationship, but kind and steady) offer to host a baby shower for me during my first pregnancy. She made the most beautiful invitations and checked in with me often about what foods I'd like, etc. It was so generous! But out of the twelve people invited, only six RSVP'd yes besides me and my sister-in-law. On the morning of shower, all six of those people cancelled. I arrived to my friend's home with my SIL and had to tell my host and her mother that we were the only ones. It was humiliating on so many levels.
RSVPing yes then cancelling on the day of the event is incredibly rude. I consider it unacceptable unless an emergency came up or you got sick or something.
I have noticed this a lot in the past few years and it’s so sad to witness. This is coming from someone who is an introvert with social anxiety, who it sometimes takes every ounce of will in her body to attend an event when my anxiety rears it’s ugly head—I never bail on plans last minute unless I have a legitimate reason such as illness or some other unfortunate circumstance.
That used to be the norm! Now not only do people bail but they often don’t even bother communicating at all. They just don’t show up, and I can’t imagine do that honestly. Not only is it incredibly inconsiderate but I can’t imagine the embarrassment I’d feel the next time I see them.
Also as someone with aforementioned anxiety, one of my biggest fears is this happening to me as well, so sadly I don’t bother much. I’m hoping to overcome that fear and start reaching out more after my baby comes next month.
If we want a village, we need to participate in it. We wonder why so many of us feel increasingly isolated and lonely, here is a major reason why.
And then the people who had been making an effort to create community don't bother any more and no one wins. One of our family values is : we commit and then we show up. Do we commit to everything. No. We choose carefully. But then we follow through unless the genuinely unwell. And I have kids with anxiety and autism so it's not easy thing.
I’m right there with you! I force myself to attend things because I want to set that example for my toddler, even though we’re often the only ones to show up.
A while back I read a fantastic book by Nick Gray called "The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings". The key points (as I recall), timebox it to 2-hours, preferably on a weekday, so it doesn't feel like an overwhelming commitment (for you or your guests!); make it a "cocktail party" so you're not killing yourself cooking food; and make it standing so people walk around and mingle instead of sitting in one place the entire time. It is packed full of useful advice on how to invite people, how to host, how to have ice breakers, etc. The biggest flaws: he's a fairly sociable child-free New Yorker so there's no real suggestion on how to deal with having kids at home, or how people get home from a cocktail party when everyone drives, or how to "get started" (he says you need to invite 5-7 close friends as a "core" to the party but I think a lot of people wanting to do this will struggle to find those 5-7 core people). But it is still a great book despite my massive reservations.
"Relatedly—and this is a tough one—there needs to be a hint of reciprocity, at least eventually."
I've adopted this mindset, too, and the unfortunate result is that I've lost touch with maybe 80% of my former friends & acquaintances. I'm never sure how to feel about that. It is slightly tempting to fall back on "well, they weren't REAL friends anyway, then" but I don't think it is quite that simple exactly. It's almost like they're victims of the zeitgeist but don't realise it?
A related one is HOW people cancel. I've noticed that the ones who I end up actually being close (and staying close) with generally offer a relatively concrete "make up date". I had one friend that we would invite to gatherings and he'd often reply (hours after everyone else, even though at the time he was unemployed AND they had a nanny so....come on, really?) with a terse "Sorry, can't make it. Enjoy." Hmm, okay. On the other hand, another friend from the same group would reply something like, "Can't make it Friday, the wife's mom is in town and we're having dinner with them, but how about we catch up for coffee next week sometime? Tuesday or Wednesday?"
Like, yes, you don't owe me a detailed explanation for why you can't make it. But we're friends, I thought? Offering that kind of information, that slight vulnerability and openness, feels like part of normal dialogue between friends? And actually making a reciprocal effort on your end when the ball is clearly in your court is part of the quid pro quo of society, yeah?
Related: a new article in the Atlantic about the "Anti-Social Century"
Yes to the 2 Hour Cocktail Party! When I read the back cover and he described this imaginary connected person who knows all different kinds of people and can connect you, I laughed. It's me! That's my life.
I emailed with Nick Gray last year and got to chat with one of his assistants. My husband and I wrote a follow up article relating to his book and our experiences hosting an open invite Friday dinner most weeks for eight years now. We moved here over ten years ago, knowing zero people in this city. We now send 260 Christmas cards. Last year we hosted most weeks and our dinner guest average is about twenty adults and four kids each week, though we've had as many as forty adults and ten kids (blessedly it was summer, we had to spill outside our small house on that occasion). In the early years it was just two or three people and I served oven pizzas. We had grown to maybe eight or eleven people, but in 2021, post covid lockdowns, dinner attendance skyrocketed. Everyone was hungry for community and suddenly had cleared social calendars.
We had no Christian friends for a year when we moved here and it was so depressing. We didn't know what to do. Young professional social events were alcohol related and gave only surface level interactions and while we got involved at church the entire congregation was over 65. (We double dated with sweet neighbors in their nineties, but longed for Christian friends our age.)
I remember that lonely feeling and now practice "attack friendship." I introduce myself to nearly everyone I meet (walking dogs in my neighborhood, with children at the library, new people at church, grocery store cashiers) and invite them to dinner. I trade phone numbers with new people every week and text them the dinner invite information. Dinners are a rotating crowd of friends and we had someone new at dinner pretty much every week last year.
This many years in, we've had people find new jobs from connections they made at dinner, people decide to move to a house in this neighborhood after dinners, three couples who met at dinners have gotten married, and people have found Jesus in the Catholic Church and converted (all of which is entirely the Holy Spirit! I just invite, cook, and open the door!).
I highly recommend The Gospel Comes with a Housekey. Rosaria Butterfield has come to a lot of the same conclusions we have, both spiritual and practical (like that rice and beans are cheap and feed a crowd).
If you ever have questions about radically ordinary hospitality, I'm always up to chat on this topic!
I would love to do something like the weekly dinner, but the thought of cooking for an unknown number of people every week is daunting. What are your practical tips for getting over that?
One thing that has worked for me is to only introduce one or two new people to the larger rotation of people. For example, I've been cooking once a week with two friends for the last two and a half years. The consistency and familiarity that I have with those two friends makes it really easy to invite a new person or two to the weekly club as a one-time appearance. Having those two friends as a baseline makes me more confident to invite a newcomer because I'm not afraid of them flaking (they also never have flaked), and it is a relatively social-anxiety free engagement because instead of having to get to know a table full of strangers, I just have to get to know one new person while being comfortable with the rest of the group already.
So maybe slowly incorporating new people could help?
I love this conversation - and the post! Thank you! Another book worth reading on this topic is Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering.
If hosting is too daunting because of your/your kids' 'age and stage' of life, I had very good success making it known I'd be a the neighborhood splash pad every Saturday at a certain time. People knew to expect us there and would show up with their little kids to hang out, too. No cooking, no 'hosting,' just a commitment to show up and introduce the people who didn't already know each other.
I love the idea of aggressive friendship. We just moved to a new country three months ago and I've definitely tried to do more of that but I'm certainly not at your level!
New country is a whole new level of challenging! I'll pray for you!
To be clear, we prayed in our lonely year and God connected us to a Catholic community which welcomed us so immediately and warmly that it changed our lives, we didn't "pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps" into all our friendships. That said, many new people have found friends and had prayers answered because they accepted my invite to our dinners. Maybe God gave me a bold personality for this reason; so I can crazily ask the contact info of people I just met and invite them to my house without worrying about what anyone thinks. 😅😂
That's exactly right. Particularly if it's a relatively new relationship, if a person says "no", the you don't know if it's "no, not this time," or "no, with you? never!" So do you invite them again? Probably not.
But if they come back with "I can't make it because of X, how about we meet for coffee Tuesday?" then you know which it is.
Reminds me of a comment from Ivan Illich “I do think that if I had to choose one word to which hope can be tied, it is hospitality.” I probably got this from reading Convivial Society.
Thank you, thank you for calling this out with kindness.
This seems to have started with smartphones, maybe 10ish years ago.
Plans are often canceled at the last minute, people don't RSVP, no-shows. I get that things happen, but this an unfortunate trend.
Regarding the "self care" excuse...I get it, some days we feel like we just literally cannot. On the other hand, taking a warm shower, getting dressed, and doing something social might just be what one's needs to cheer up.
Maybe I am old-fashioned, Midwestern or both, but make plans, keep plans, and build friendships.
We had this happen with our wedding. Two days before the RSVP deadline, we had two guests who had RSVP’d outside of the bridesmaids. I will never forget how I felt like I had no value to people. It was the worst feeling in the world.
That's awful!! I've been married for a year and am still trying to deal with similar emotions. A number of people complained to me about having to socialize, and my husband's uncle RSVPed no because he "wouldn't know anybody" (even though the whole family was there...?!). When I started planning the wedding, I truly felt like including people was a kindness, as this post says. But some people did their best to make me feel like I did something wrong by asking them to leave their house and spend time with me.
I could’ve written this entire post myself! I host at least 20 events a year in my house. Truly, I’m happy to do it. And 98% of the time they go fine. I’m happy, our guests are happy and we believe that through our dinner parties we have made the world a little bit warmer and better place.
And just like you posted, we have come to the same conclusions. The number of times people have canceled last minute or don’t show up blows my mind. I once had a party of six families, including 20+ children. It was a potluck. One of the ladies insisted on bringing the pasta., which was going to feed the children. And she called five minutes before the party to say that her family was tired from raking leaves and they wouldn’t be there. So we had to scramble. We actually had to order pasta from a local restaurant. I never invited her to anything again.
Another time we had a lovely evening planned with a special dish that we knew our guest would like. And they knew we were making it. When they didn’t show up after half an hour, I texted her and she said that the weekend had got away from them and they wouldn’t be able to make it. She couldn’t even lie and say they were sick. Lol
I also have a handful people who have been to my home at least 10 times and I couldn’t even tell you where they lived. They never make overtures to get together. I don’t believe in the “tit for tat hospitality” mentality of the 50s. But I think in general, if someone has hosted you 3-4 times it might be your turn to reciprocate the hospitality. In fact, I’m certain it is your turn. Lol. Interestingly these same people always email me with request to buy raffle tickets from their schools. Lol Last year I cut all those people from our invitation list. Some of them literally been coming to my house for 15 years. You can’t tell me in 15 years you can’t initiate anything? Their lack of hospitality makes me feel foolish and taken advantage of.
I could write more because obviously this is a pet peeve of mine. But I’ll leave it at that.
A related pet peeve is messaging me with questions in the moments before the party begins. I send very good directions - pictures of parking, FAQs, etc with my events to give people enough information to decide if they want to join and avoid last minute questions while I'm setting up the party. When people message me just before the party begins with questions I've already answered. . . my hosting graciousness depletes. ;)
I think the technology is definitely part of it. It makes confrontations less painful, often avoidable, and gives disorganised people more slack
Back in the 90s when mobile phones with text messaging came in, I immediately noticed that whoever had a mobile phone was more likely to be late or not show at all. It used to be, "I'll meet you under the clocks at Flinders St at 10." And if they weren't there by 10:15 at the latest, you just left. But once text messaging came in, at 10:12 there'd be a message, "running late, will get there at 10:30."
Before text messaging nobody would dare be half an hour late because either the person wouldn't be there, or if they were, they'd be enraged. Text messages let you avoid this painful confrontation.
Notice too it was a text message, not a call. Because it's cheaper? No, because if you call then you'll hear them sigh and maybe have an annoyed tone in their voice, or even say, "forget it."
So the tool people use to organise themselves has helped make them less organised.
Yes means yes, no means no. On time means five minutes early.
You can do things differently, but then don't complain when you're bored and lonely.
This brought up so many unpleasant memories 😅. One night I hosted a Mafia/Werewolf party. These games require a certain number of people to work. So it was frustrating when a few people canceled, and my friend came without her husband, who was watching a football game at home. I've been reluctant to try and host anything for a while because of last minute cancelations and lack of reciprocation, and now I'm feeling lonely. Sigh.
I became a mother at 34, so it wasn't until my oldest was about 5-6 (and I was pushing 40) that I started to realize how much the social milieu had changed for the worse in children's worlds. The new model seemed built to breed self-centered young people because parents took over relieving them of any socially awkward moments or experiences that might require them to stretch beyond their comfort zone. I stuck with the 'old ways' because manners are about making OTHER people comfortable. Besides, how many invitations do we all accept with a measure of reluctance/uncertainty, only to find it was a great time or later feel grateful for new friendships! A European friend of mine often says, "Showing up is the most important thing you can do for people." Great post Katherine!
Ohhhh man. This hit close to home. It's so hard. I was just venting recently about how hard it seems to be to make and keep friends nowadays. Granted, I have occasionally bailed on a social event myself (with good reason, and I do always text, but my point is that I'm not perfect here either). In this spirit, I am really going to try harder to show up to everything I am invited to this year.
The hit home for me as well. I am totally guilty of canceling last minute yet complain about not having a lot of friends or a sense of community. One of my intentions this year is to seek community by saying yes!
A few years ago i made one resolution to go to things I committed to - i felt I had gotten into a bad habit of not and my husband is lazy! It was great, its just a habit and it makes you think about what you say yes to. But give it a try and you'll feel so much better for it. And my mum always says....you can always go home after an hour.
On the one hand, you go to a lot of work-- cleaning house, taking care of kids and pets beforehand, planning the food, buying it, preparing it, decorations, maybe ice breakers or a game, topics to initiate in case there's an awkward lull, I get it. I agree an RSVP is a commitment!!!! I have a new friend who seems to go with whatever breeze is blowing, we'll make plans and she will sound committed, happy to come-- and then nothing. Not a word. I keep trying but only when I can handle the [almost] inevitable disappointment. I wonder, does she view a promise as a "maybe" ?
I haven't read any thoughts yet, here, about the bigger obstacles in my life. Reciprocity is so hard for me: my husband works long hours and views home as his place to crash & relax, away from the need to "act". Add in his long & unpredictable hours, and it's hard to plan anything.
I have several food issues. Allergies, sensitivities, whatever, there are many foods I can't eat. I know it's a pain and I am deeply grateful for anyone who is willing to even try to accommodate my darn tummy. Shoot, I usually bring my whole meal to potlucks because no one includes ingredients on their dish.
The last obstacle is money. We are not making ends meet. Every month at least 1 bill goes unpaid. Things are just awfully tight. We can barely feed ourselves, we sure can't afford to host others for more than coffee and toast. I feel awful about it but I do get to see who genuinely wants to be with me.
I don't know why, but my parents never did the thank you note thing. I thought saying "thank you, I had such a good time"! was enough. I'm still trying to get to that. it gives me hope to know a texted thankyou might be okay.
Oh -- one more obstacle -- depression. It can be so hard to just get up and go somewhere. Knowing I am really wanted, is a huge help. I find connecting with people helps me immensely, but most people are just...so...busy...
There was one gal i wanted to befriend, but i didn't want to be pushy, so once a month I would suggest getting together; a walk, or coffee. She always said no -- but always added "try again". So I did, a month later... after 2 years I gave up. Maybe she was then the way I am now: so overwhelmed with everything, can't process one more thing?
It's lonely. If the economy was better, I'd be working & get my "people fix" that way, but that's not a possibility. I am trying volunteer stuff but most openings are full.
I think this started years ago, and it's sad. My oldest was a social butterfly, no problem; but my youngest was more shy, and needed structured activities that were planned, had a starting and ending time and definitely had committed guests. We ended up doing fewer things with smaller amounts of people.
As
I type this, I have been in bed for 2 hours, alone. Husband is enjoying an evening off, in his favorite way--
watching TV. He sees people at work, so His "tank" is happily full.
To all you amazing, organized, hospitable wonders, THANK YOU so much for all you do. There are plenty of us who cannot do it, and you help so much to make life more bearable.
My husband and I host often--large parties five or six times a year and numerous smaller dinner parties or movie nights in addition. One of the most successful things has been "Friday Beer with Friends" at a local brewery. We don't cook, we set the time (including the end time) and we plan to enjoy ourselves regardless of whether people join us. But last week, we canceled about twelve hours in advance because the weather was just brutally cold and the brewery we had selected didn't have a good, comfortable indoor space. Canceling seemed fine because only one couple had responded to the Google invite with "yes." But as soon as we canceled, five other people reached out and said they'd been planning on attending and were sorry it was canceled. But the illuminating thing was, these people were planning on coming, were looking forward to it, but didn't bother to RSVP--I guess because everyone just keeps their options open all the time now.
Any fan of Miss Manners will know, that an RSVP of promised attendance is an iron-clad commitment only breakable if the invitee is half dead, hosting should always be reciprocated in whatever manner is possible, and a thank you note after the event is an absolute requirement. Modern society has written off basic etiquette as stuffy and out-of-date, and now can’t understand why everyone is lonely and no one invites people over anymore. The call is coming from inside the house.
I'm pretty bad at knowing those basic rules of etiquette, I didn't grow up with them. But the two I do know are to RSVP and, having responded to an event, to SHOW UP. Are there times my introverted self wishes I hadn't agreed? Sure. But I show up anyway and am usually glad to have done so.
I didn’t grow up with them either, but I’m a nerd who read etiquette books for fun all the way through high school and college. Judith Martin’s sass and depth of knowledge on the history of the rules were so much fun to read! I highly recommend her!
I think treating the maxim “do what you say you will do” as a matter of “etiquette,” which may vary culture by culture, is itself a bad thing. This shouldn’t be the type of thing you have to learn.
Normally I promote my own Emily Substack but let's all remember the Emily Post Institute has one on here!
This is a situation where it shocks me how quickly we forget the COVID lockdown days. When people were complaining about family obligations during this most recent holiday season, I was constantly remembering how desperate we were to see any loved ones at all, for even an hour, during the 2020 holiday season. It's the same with general invitations to parties and gatherings; I am still eternally grateful that I get to see people in person after the COVID days of going without that for a year+. It's sad how quickly so many people have moved to taking social gatherings for granted and not respecting your relationship with a friend to the point that you would flake on something for no good reason.
I think of Newton's definition of "inertia" - the property of an object to keep moving in the same direction at the same speed unless acted on by an outside force.
Lockdowns were a very strong outside force. They gave people a new direction and speed - being stationary. At home. Now their intertia keeps them there.
People have habits. They spent two years prohibited from leaving home, so they developed the habit of staying at home. This has shown up in restaurant bookings, too - people get it delivered instead.
I once had a friend from college (not a close relationship, but kind and steady) offer to host a baby shower for me during my first pregnancy. She made the most beautiful invitations and checked in with me often about what foods I'd like, etc. It was so generous! But out of the twelve people invited, only six RSVP'd yes besides me and my sister-in-law. On the morning of shower, all six of those people cancelled. I arrived to my friend's home with my SIL and had to tell my host and her mother that we were the only ones. It was humiliating on so many levels.
RSVPing yes then cancelling on the day of the event is incredibly rude. I consider it unacceptable unless an emergency came up or you got sick or something.
Omg, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I have noticed this a lot in the past few years and it’s so sad to witness. This is coming from someone who is an introvert with social anxiety, who it sometimes takes every ounce of will in her body to attend an event when my anxiety rears it’s ugly head—I never bail on plans last minute unless I have a legitimate reason such as illness or some other unfortunate circumstance.
That used to be the norm! Now not only do people bail but they often don’t even bother communicating at all. They just don’t show up, and I can’t imagine do that honestly. Not only is it incredibly inconsiderate but I can’t imagine the embarrassment I’d feel the next time I see them.
Also as someone with aforementioned anxiety, one of my biggest fears is this happening to me as well, so sadly I don’t bother much. I’m hoping to overcome that fear and start reaching out more after my baby comes next month.
If we want a village, we need to participate in it. We wonder why so many of us feel increasingly isolated and lonely, here is a major reason why.
And then the people who had been making an effort to create community don't bother any more and no one wins. One of our family values is : we commit and then we show up. Do we commit to everything. No. We choose carefully. But then we follow through unless the genuinely unwell. And I have kids with anxiety and autism so it's not easy thing.
I’m right there with you! I force myself to attend things because I want to set that example for my toddler, even though we’re often the only ones to show up.
A while back I read a fantastic book by Nick Gray called "The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings". The key points (as I recall), timebox it to 2-hours, preferably on a weekday, so it doesn't feel like an overwhelming commitment (for you or your guests!); make it a "cocktail party" so you're not killing yourself cooking food; and make it standing so people walk around and mingle instead of sitting in one place the entire time. It is packed full of useful advice on how to invite people, how to host, how to have ice breakers, etc. The biggest flaws: he's a fairly sociable child-free New Yorker so there's no real suggestion on how to deal with having kids at home, or how people get home from a cocktail party when everyone drives, or how to "get started" (he says you need to invite 5-7 close friends as a "core" to the party but I think a lot of people wanting to do this will struggle to find those 5-7 core people). But it is still a great book despite my massive reservations.
"Relatedly—and this is a tough one—there needs to be a hint of reciprocity, at least eventually."
I've adopted this mindset, too, and the unfortunate result is that I've lost touch with maybe 80% of my former friends & acquaintances. I'm never sure how to feel about that. It is slightly tempting to fall back on "well, they weren't REAL friends anyway, then" but I don't think it is quite that simple exactly. It's almost like they're victims of the zeitgeist but don't realise it?
A related one is HOW people cancel. I've noticed that the ones who I end up actually being close (and staying close) with generally offer a relatively concrete "make up date". I had one friend that we would invite to gatherings and he'd often reply (hours after everyone else, even though at the time he was unemployed AND they had a nanny so....come on, really?) with a terse "Sorry, can't make it. Enjoy." Hmm, okay. On the other hand, another friend from the same group would reply something like, "Can't make it Friday, the wife's mom is in town and we're having dinner with them, but how about we catch up for coffee next week sometime? Tuesday or Wednesday?"
Like, yes, you don't owe me a detailed explanation for why you can't make it. But we're friends, I thought? Offering that kind of information, that slight vulnerability and openness, feels like part of normal dialogue between friends? And actually making a reciprocal effort on your end when the ball is clearly in your court is part of the quid pro quo of society, yeah?
Related: a new article in the Atlantic about the "Anti-Social Century"
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2025/02/american-loneliness-personality-politics/681091/?gift=o6MjJQpusU9ebnFuymVdsHLEgrw7xaVlFdZ_ahquf0Y
Yes to the 2 Hour Cocktail Party! When I read the back cover and he described this imaginary connected person who knows all different kinds of people and can connect you, I laughed. It's me! That's my life.
I emailed with Nick Gray last year and got to chat with one of his assistants. My husband and I wrote a follow up article relating to his book and our experiences hosting an open invite Friday dinner most weeks for eight years now. We moved here over ten years ago, knowing zero people in this city. We now send 260 Christmas cards. Last year we hosted most weeks and our dinner guest average is about twenty adults and four kids each week, though we've had as many as forty adults and ten kids (blessedly it was summer, we had to spill outside our small house on that occasion). In the early years it was just two or three people and I served oven pizzas. We had grown to maybe eight or eleven people, but in 2021, post covid lockdowns, dinner attendance skyrocketed. Everyone was hungry for community and suddenly had cleared social calendars.
We had no Christian friends for a year when we moved here and it was so depressing. We didn't know what to do. Young professional social events were alcohol related and gave only surface level interactions and while we got involved at church the entire congregation was over 65. (We double dated with sweet neighbors in their nineties, but longed for Christian friends our age.)
I remember that lonely feeling and now practice "attack friendship." I introduce myself to nearly everyone I meet (walking dogs in my neighborhood, with children at the library, new people at church, grocery store cashiers) and invite them to dinner. I trade phone numbers with new people every week and text them the dinner invite information. Dinners are a rotating crowd of friends and we had someone new at dinner pretty much every week last year.
This many years in, we've had people find new jobs from connections they made at dinner, people decide to move to a house in this neighborhood after dinners, three couples who met at dinners have gotten married, and people have found Jesus in the Catholic Church and converted (all of which is entirely the Holy Spirit! I just invite, cook, and open the door!).
I highly recommend The Gospel Comes with a Housekey. Rosaria Butterfield has come to a lot of the same conclusions we have, both spiritual and practical (like that rice and beans are cheap and feed a crowd).
If you ever have questions about radically ordinary hospitality, I'm always up to chat on this topic!
https://faithandwitness.org/2024/07/16/how-about-dinner/
I would love to do something like the weekly dinner, but the thought of cooking for an unknown number of people every week is daunting. What are your practical tips for getting over that?
One thing that has worked for me is to only introduce one or two new people to the larger rotation of people. For example, I've been cooking once a week with two friends for the last two and a half years. The consistency and familiarity that I have with those two friends makes it really easy to invite a new person or two to the weekly club as a one-time appearance. Having those two friends as a baseline makes me more confident to invite a newcomer because I'm not afraid of them flaking (they also never have flaked), and it is a relatively social-anxiety free engagement because instead of having to get to know a table full of strangers, I just have to get to know one new person while being comfortable with the rest of the group already.
So maybe slowly incorporating new people could help?
I love this conversation - and the post! Thank you! Another book worth reading on this topic is Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering.
If hosting is too daunting because of your/your kids' 'age and stage' of life, I had very good success making it known I'd be a the neighborhood splash pad every Saturday at a certain time. People knew to expect us there and would show up with their little kids to hang out, too. No cooking, no 'hosting,' just a commitment to show up and introduce the people who didn't already know each other.
I love the idea of aggressive friendship. We just moved to a new country three months ago and I've definitely tried to do more of that but I'm certainly not at your level!
New country is a whole new level of challenging! I'll pray for you!
To be clear, we prayed in our lonely year and God connected us to a Catholic community which welcomed us so immediately and warmly that it changed our lives, we didn't "pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps" into all our friendships. That said, many new people have found friends and had prayers answered because they accepted my invite to our dinners. Maybe God gave me a bold personality for this reason; so I can crazily ask the contact info of people I just met and invite them to my house without worrying about what anyone thinks. 😅😂
That's exactly right. Particularly if it's a relatively new relationship, if a person says "no", the you don't know if it's "no, not this time," or "no, with you? never!" So do you invite them again? Probably not.
But if they come back with "I can't make it because of X, how about we meet for coffee Tuesday?" then you know which it is.
Reminds me of a comment from Ivan Illich “I do think that if I had to choose one word to which hope can be tied, it is hospitality.” I probably got this from reading Convivial Society.
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, thank you for calling this out with kindness.
This seems to have started with smartphones, maybe 10ish years ago.
Plans are often canceled at the last minute, people don't RSVP, no-shows. I get that things happen, but this an unfortunate trend.
Regarding the "self care" excuse...I get it, some days we feel like we just literally cannot. On the other hand, taking a warm shower, getting dressed, and doing something social might just be what one's needs to cheer up.
Maybe I am old-fashioned, Midwestern or both, but make plans, keep plans, and build friendships.
We had this happen with our wedding. Two days before the RSVP deadline, we had two guests who had RSVP’d outside of the bridesmaids. I will never forget how I felt like I had no value to people. It was the worst feeling in the world.
That's awful!! I've been married for a year and am still trying to deal with similar emotions. A number of people complained to me about having to socialize, and my husband's uncle RSVPed no because he "wouldn't know anybody" (even though the whole family was there...?!). When I started planning the wedding, I truly felt like including people was a kindness, as this post says. But some people did their best to make me feel like I did something wrong by asking them to leave their house and spend time with me.
I could’ve written this entire post myself! I host at least 20 events a year in my house. Truly, I’m happy to do it. And 98% of the time they go fine. I’m happy, our guests are happy and we believe that through our dinner parties we have made the world a little bit warmer and better place.
And just like you posted, we have come to the same conclusions. The number of times people have canceled last minute or don’t show up blows my mind. I once had a party of six families, including 20+ children. It was a potluck. One of the ladies insisted on bringing the pasta., which was going to feed the children. And she called five minutes before the party to say that her family was tired from raking leaves and they wouldn’t be there. So we had to scramble. We actually had to order pasta from a local restaurant. I never invited her to anything again.
Another time we had a lovely evening planned with a special dish that we knew our guest would like. And they knew we were making it. When they didn’t show up after half an hour, I texted her and she said that the weekend had got away from them and they wouldn’t be able to make it. She couldn’t even lie and say they were sick. Lol
I also have a handful people who have been to my home at least 10 times and I couldn’t even tell you where they lived. They never make overtures to get together. I don’t believe in the “tit for tat hospitality” mentality of the 50s. But I think in general, if someone has hosted you 3-4 times it might be your turn to reciprocate the hospitality. In fact, I’m certain it is your turn. Lol. Interestingly these same people always email me with request to buy raffle tickets from their schools. Lol Last year I cut all those people from our invitation list. Some of them literally been coming to my house for 15 years. You can’t tell me in 15 years you can’t initiate anything? Their lack of hospitality makes me feel foolish and taken advantage of.
I could write more because obviously this is a pet peeve of mine. But I’ll leave it at that.
A related pet peeve is messaging me with questions in the moments before the party begins. I send very good directions - pictures of parking, FAQs, etc with my events to give people enough information to decide if they want to join and avoid last minute questions while I'm setting up the party. When people message me just before the party begins with questions I've already answered. . . my hosting graciousness depletes. ;)
I think the technology is definitely part of it. It makes confrontations less painful, often avoidable, and gives disorganised people more slack
Back in the 90s when mobile phones with text messaging came in, I immediately noticed that whoever had a mobile phone was more likely to be late or not show at all. It used to be, "I'll meet you under the clocks at Flinders St at 10." And if they weren't there by 10:15 at the latest, you just left. But once text messaging came in, at 10:12 there'd be a message, "running late, will get there at 10:30."
Before text messaging nobody would dare be half an hour late because either the person wouldn't be there, or if they were, they'd be enraged. Text messages let you avoid this painful confrontation.
Notice too it was a text message, not a call. Because it's cheaper? No, because if you call then you'll hear them sigh and maybe have an annoyed tone in their voice, or even say, "forget it."
So the tool people use to organise themselves has helped make them less organised.
Yes means yes, no means no. On time means five minutes early.
You can do things differently, but then don't complain when you're bored and lonely.
Ask me how my family ended up with 85 leftover bratwurst after a ONE-toberfest first birthday party. It’s so frustrating!
This brought up so many unpleasant memories 😅. One night I hosted a Mafia/Werewolf party. These games require a certain number of people to work. So it was frustrating when a few people canceled, and my friend came without her husband, who was watching a football game at home. I've been reluctant to try and host anything for a while because of last minute cancelations and lack of reciprocation, and now I'm feeling lonely. Sigh.
I became a mother at 34, so it wasn't until my oldest was about 5-6 (and I was pushing 40) that I started to realize how much the social milieu had changed for the worse in children's worlds. The new model seemed built to breed self-centered young people because parents took over relieving them of any socially awkward moments or experiences that might require them to stretch beyond their comfort zone. I stuck with the 'old ways' because manners are about making OTHER people comfortable. Besides, how many invitations do we all accept with a measure of reluctance/uncertainty, only to find it was a great time or later feel grateful for new friendships! A European friend of mine often says, "Showing up is the most important thing you can do for people." Great post Katherine!
Ohhhh man. This hit close to home. It's so hard. I was just venting recently about how hard it seems to be to make and keep friends nowadays. Granted, I have occasionally bailed on a social event myself (with good reason, and I do always text, but my point is that I'm not perfect here either). In this spirit, I am really going to try harder to show up to everything I am invited to this year.
The hit home for me as well. I am totally guilty of canceling last minute yet complain about not having a lot of friends or a sense of community. One of my intentions this year is to seek community by saying yes!
A few years ago i made one resolution to go to things I committed to - i felt I had gotten into a bad habit of not and my husband is lazy! It was great, its just a habit and it makes you think about what you say yes to. But give it a try and you'll feel so much better for it. And my mum always says....you can always go home after an hour.
wow.
I read the post and ALL the previous comments.
It's a little intimidating, and yet I understand.
On the one hand, you go to a lot of work-- cleaning house, taking care of kids and pets beforehand, planning the food, buying it, preparing it, decorations, maybe ice breakers or a game, topics to initiate in case there's an awkward lull, I get it. I agree an RSVP is a commitment!!!! I have a new friend who seems to go with whatever breeze is blowing, we'll make plans and she will sound committed, happy to come-- and then nothing. Not a word. I keep trying but only when I can handle the [almost] inevitable disappointment. I wonder, does she view a promise as a "maybe" ?
I haven't read any thoughts yet, here, about the bigger obstacles in my life. Reciprocity is so hard for me: my husband works long hours and views home as his place to crash & relax, away from the need to "act". Add in his long & unpredictable hours, and it's hard to plan anything.
I have several food issues. Allergies, sensitivities, whatever, there are many foods I can't eat. I know it's a pain and I am deeply grateful for anyone who is willing to even try to accommodate my darn tummy. Shoot, I usually bring my whole meal to potlucks because no one includes ingredients on their dish.
The last obstacle is money. We are not making ends meet. Every month at least 1 bill goes unpaid. Things are just awfully tight. We can barely feed ourselves, we sure can't afford to host others for more than coffee and toast. I feel awful about it but I do get to see who genuinely wants to be with me.
I don't know why, but my parents never did the thank you note thing. I thought saying "thank you, I had such a good time"! was enough. I'm still trying to get to that. it gives me hope to know a texted thankyou might be okay.
Oh -- one more obstacle -- depression. It can be so hard to just get up and go somewhere. Knowing I am really wanted, is a huge help. I find connecting with people helps me immensely, but most people are just...so...busy...
There was one gal i wanted to befriend, but i didn't want to be pushy, so once a month I would suggest getting together; a walk, or coffee. She always said no -- but always added "try again". So I did, a month later... after 2 years I gave up. Maybe she was then the way I am now: so overwhelmed with everything, can't process one more thing?
It's lonely. If the economy was better, I'd be working & get my "people fix" that way, but that's not a possibility. I am trying volunteer stuff but most openings are full.
I think this started years ago, and it's sad. My oldest was a social butterfly, no problem; but my youngest was more shy, and needed structured activities that were planned, had a starting and ending time and definitely had committed guests. We ended up doing fewer things with smaller amounts of people.
As
I type this, I have been in bed for 2 hours, alone. Husband is enjoying an evening off, in his favorite way--
watching TV. He sees people at work, so His "tank" is happily full.
To all you amazing, organized, hospitable wonders, THANK YOU so much for all you do. There are plenty of us who cannot do it, and you help so much to make life more bearable.
My husband and I host often--large parties five or six times a year and numerous smaller dinner parties or movie nights in addition. One of the most successful things has been "Friday Beer with Friends" at a local brewery. We don't cook, we set the time (including the end time) and we plan to enjoy ourselves regardless of whether people join us. But last week, we canceled about twelve hours in advance because the weather was just brutally cold and the brewery we had selected didn't have a good, comfortable indoor space. Canceling seemed fine because only one couple had responded to the Google invite with "yes." But as soon as we canceled, five other people reached out and said they'd been planning on attending and were sorry it was canceled. But the illuminating thing was, these people were planning on coming, were looking forward to it, but didn't bother to RSVP--I guess because everyone just keeps their options open all the time now.
That’s a great idea for a get-together!