FAFO is one of those things that taken to extremes is obviously dumb. Children don't have fully developed prefrontal cortexes so they are literally incapable of (fully) acting with long-term consequences in mind. There's a reason insurance companies charge higher premiums until one is in their late 20s.
But I think a lot of FAFO is best viewed not about child behaviour but about parental behaviour. A lot of parents are, in practice, super uber controlling of their children over things that don't actually mean anything. Consider: do you let your children wear mismatched socks or does that bother you and you make them change?
The classic example is arguments over jackets during winter. But children have much more brown fat than adults so our subjective feelings of coldness are irrelevant to someone with a very different body composition. (But, going back to the prefrontal cortex thing, children aren't great at understanding "I'm not cold right now but I might be after spending 60 minutes outside".)
FAFO is as much about the parents learning that tons of things don't actually have big consequences as it is about children learning that some things do.
My kids were born in a third-world country. Here are some things that parents are (very) controlling about. Most of them probably strike an American as completely unhinged. But one point of FAFO is parents, instead of preempting their kid's actions, will discover things aren't usually as bad as they think they will be.
Drinking cold water (especially with ice, definite no no!).
Being outside in sunlight, especially during the 1st year after birth.
Tightly wrapping your neck, to keep it warm, when you have a sore throat.
Keeping your feet warm (e.g. by wearing socks) because you will get sick otherwise.
Not bathing at night.
Not eating shrimp or pork when you have a cut or other open wound.
Not eating a banana when you have a fever.
Having a fan on when you exit the bath after bathing.
Going outside at night during the 7th month of the lunar calendar.
I think "FAFO" is best thought of as one of several ingredients to use in the mix of parenting techniques, best at the right times and in the right amounts rather than as a single comprehensive strategy. Like making sure you get enough fiber in your diet. I see the increased interest in "FAFO" parenting as like people realizing they haven't gotten enough fiber in their diet. No fiber in your diet is unhealthy. Too much fiber in your diet is unhealthy.
Not enough FAFO in your parenting us unhealthy for you and your kids. Too much FAFO in your parenting is unhealthy for you and your kids.
A quick example from our world: A couple of months ago our two year old wanted to walk out on the deck barefoot and without a jacket when it was cold and rainy. I told him no, it's too cold and wet. He insisted, as two year olds do. "OK, go see what it's like!" I said. Within 30 seconds he was back inside, cold and wet, and has not asked to go out on the deck when it's cold and wet since.
It was an honor to have you on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. I've shared so many of your pieces on my Substack (Conversations About Friendship) over the past year+ that it was like having a celebrity episode. Thank you for joining me!
I don’t think this is an either-or proposition. Some things are to be mandated or put out of bounds authoritatively. Within that secure outer perimeter, there are excellent lessons to be learned about personal decision-making by experiencing their results. I raised six children. It should go without saying that matters of respect, honesty, safety, and a decent consideration for others were never left in an optional category. In other cases, the “How is that working out for you?” talks about the effects of their own choices were among the most profitable teaching moments I can remember.
I agree with the expectation of obedience, but I think the appeal of FAFO comes from the fact that honestly sometimes I don’t know how to get them to obey. This might be different with a three-year-old versus older kids, but sometimes it is time to go, they are making the whole family late, and when they are supposed to be putting on their coat to go outside, they instead throw the coat on the floor and go upstairs in their room and slam the door. I would love to know how to get them to obey in this situation because we have tried everything.
Interesting. I was thinking this week about choices, and how we do our children a disservice by acting like everything they do is a choice and then constantly presenting and evaluating these choices. What worked for us was to have family rhythms that were set and unquestionable as much as possible. This is what we do, this is how we do it. I'll always take a kid's input, and I'll work to give them areas of their life to be under their control, but that's different from acting like they get a choice about everything, and then doing this sort of thing.
I had never heard of FAFO but this reminds me of a conversation I'd had with my grandmother about how parenting norms had changed. She gave an example related to jackets.
Parent tells kid to choose a jacket from the multiple ones in their closet. Kid doesn't want to wear one or feels overwhelmed by the choices. Parent argues with kid and ultimately lets them leave without a jacket.
Grandma's way of handling this - don't give kid a choice when it comes to jackets or narrow the choice to only two jackets options. Kids get overwhelmed with open ended choices. If the kid refuses to wear the jacket then simply pack it for when they need it later.
I operate with a principle something like, “least intervention.” When my crawling baby was learning to go up and down stairs, I would catch him when he stumbled, rather than prevent him from missteps so that there was an experience of natural consequences, but not in a way that left me with a trip to the emergency room. I wanted him to absolutely know without a doubt that stairs are dangerous so that he approached them with caution. Because of this principle, I watch my kids approach new situations and obstacles thoughtfully—you can see it in their faces as they quietly ask themselves, “Can I? Can’t I? Do I need to ask for help?” If they ask for help, sometimes I’ll refuse—if they can’t trust themselves yet, they shouldn’t be doing it. If I do help, I’ll approach it as a teaching moment. If they aren’t ready for that, I’ll get them out of their predicament. By then they’ve learned that obstacle is one they aren’t ready for, and they move on to something else without much fuss.
Not exactly sure if you’d call that FAFO—in the case where it’s “getting the car right now or FAFO” just seems like an empty threat which would eventually backfire.
This is an insightful piece. I appreciate you honoring both sides. In reading different takes on this parenting style, I find that what often gets lost in the extremes… is relationship.
We don’t need to abandon consequences to stay close—and we don’t need to swing so far toward control that we forget our children are only children because they are children. They are whole people—or people becoming.
When obedience and relationship work in tandem—without the need for control—parenting becomes less about who’s in charge, and more about the kind of home we’re building together. & ultimately, the kind of people we're sending out into the world.
Your pieces are always so well written and reassuring. Many times I feel alone in having strict standards but then I remember that obedience is important, for lots of reasons: making life easier and more pleasant for the family, but also safety, as you mentioned; if I tell my toddler DON’T MOVE, she needs to comply without question because it might mean she is in danger. Just grateful for this sane, levelheaded advice!
I definitely know and understand FAFO parenting, perhaps a more extreme version.
I grew up in Argentina. A small town called Rio Cuarto, in the province of Cordoba.
We had several family friends we loved dearly, like cousins. We’d go on long trips together, 3 families. Both other families had properties, one near a lake with cabins, the other, a family ranch with cattle and horses.
The father of the family that owned a ranch was a strict, FAFO parent. We were all slightly frightened of him, although we loved him as well. He was known for enjoying to suck on the eyeballs of cows…no one else did this.
He was famous for stopping any child fight in a vehicle by stopping the car and asking anyone arguing or complaining to get out. He’d drive off regardless of how remote our location was, and only turn back to pick them up after driving at least several miles away.
One time, after our family came to live in the states, Culver City, CA, he came to visit with his wife. He came with me to walk my brother to school, who was about 4 (10 years younger than me). My brother was doing something our friend found unacceptable, so he had me walk away from my brother with him, leaving my brother to pout and tantrum on his own…for several minutes. Sounds acceptable, except we were on the sidewalk of a very busy street, Sepulveda Blvd.
Although his FAFO strategy was extreme at times, there was plenty to learn from our friend, named Lalo, especially after the gentle parenting problems we’re seeing across the board in our modern society.
FAFO is one of those things that taken to extremes is obviously dumb. Children don't have fully developed prefrontal cortexes so they are literally incapable of (fully) acting with long-term consequences in mind. There's a reason insurance companies charge higher premiums until one is in their late 20s.
But I think a lot of FAFO is best viewed not about child behaviour but about parental behaviour. A lot of parents are, in practice, super uber controlling of their children over things that don't actually mean anything. Consider: do you let your children wear mismatched socks or does that bother you and you make them change?
The classic example is arguments over jackets during winter. But children have much more brown fat than adults so our subjective feelings of coldness are irrelevant to someone with a very different body composition. (But, going back to the prefrontal cortex thing, children aren't great at understanding "I'm not cold right now but I might be after spending 60 minutes outside".)
FAFO is as much about the parents learning that tons of things don't actually have big consequences as it is about children learning that some things do.
My kids were born in a third-world country. Here are some things that parents are (very) controlling about. Most of them probably strike an American as completely unhinged. But one point of FAFO is parents, instead of preempting their kid's actions, will discover things aren't usually as bad as they think they will be.
Drinking cold water (especially with ice, definite no no!).
Being outside in sunlight, especially during the 1st year after birth.
Tightly wrapping your neck, to keep it warm, when you have a sore throat.
Keeping your feet warm (e.g. by wearing socks) because you will get sick otherwise.
Not bathing at night.
Not eating shrimp or pork when you have a cut or other open wound.
Not eating a banana when you have a fever.
Having a fan on when you exit the bath after bathing.
Going outside at night during the 7th month of the lunar calendar.
I think "FAFO" is best thought of as one of several ingredients to use in the mix of parenting techniques, best at the right times and in the right amounts rather than as a single comprehensive strategy. Like making sure you get enough fiber in your diet. I see the increased interest in "FAFO" parenting as like people realizing they haven't gotten enough fiber in their diet. No fiber in your diet is unhealthy. Too much fiber in your diet is unhealthy.
Not enough FAFO in your parenting us unhealthy for you and your kids. Too much FAFO in your parenting is unhealthy for you and your kids.
A quick example from our world: A couple of months ago our two year old wanted to walk out on the deck barefoot and without a jacket when it was cold and rainy. I told him no, it's too cold and wet. He insisted, as two year olds do. "OK, go see what it's like!" I said. Within 30 seconds he was back inside, cold and wet, and has not asked to go out on the deck when it's cold and wet since.
It was an honor to have you on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. I've shared so many of your pieces on my Substack (Conversations About Friendship) over the past year+ that it was like having a celebrity episode. Thank you for joining me!
I don’t think this is an either-or proposition. Some things are to be mandated or put out of bounds authoritatively. Within that secure outer perimeter, there are excellent lessons to be learned about personal decision-making by experiencing their results. I raised six children. It should go without saying that matters of respect, honesty, safety, and a decent consideration for others were never left in an optional category. In other cases, the “How is that working out for you?” talks about the effects of their own choices were among the most profitable teaching moments I can remember.
I agree with the expectation of obedience, but I think the appeal of FAFO comes from the fact that honestly sometimes I don’t know how to get them to obey. This might be different with a three-year-old versus older kids, but sometimes it is time to go, they are making the whole family late, and when they are supposed to be putting on their coat to go outside, they instead throw the coat on the floor and go upstairs in their room and slam the door. I would love to know how to get them to obey in this situation because we have tried everything.
Interesting. I was thinking this week about choices, and how we do our children a disservice by acting like everything they do is a choice and then constantly presenting and evaluating these choices. What worked for us was to have family rhythms that were set and unquestionable as much as possible. This is what we do, this is how we do it. I'll always take a kid's input, and I'll work to give them areas of their life to be under their control, but that's different from acting like they get a choice about everything, and then doing this sort of thing.
I had never heard of FAFO but this reminds me of a conversation I'd had with my grandmother about how parenting norms had changed. She gave an example related to jackets.
Parent tells kid to choose a jacket from the multiple ones in their closet. Kid doesn't want to wear one or feels overwhelmed by the choices. Parent argues with kid and ultimately lets them leave without a jacket.
Grandma's way of handling this - don't give kid a choice when it comes to jackets or narrow the choice to only two jackets options. Kids get overwhelmed with open ended choices. If the kid refuses to wear the jacket then simply pack it for when they need it later.
I operate with a principle something like, “least intervention.” When my crawling baby was learning to go up and down stairs, I would catch him when he stumbled, rather than prevent him from missteps so that there was an experience of natural consequences, but not in a way that left me with a trip to the emergency room. I wanted him to absolutely know without a doubt that stairs are dangerous so that he approached them with caution. Because of this principle, I watch my kids approach new situations and obstacles thoughtfully—you can see it in their faces as they quietly ask themselves, “Can I? Can’t I? Do I need to ask for help?” If they ask for help, sometimes I’ll refuse—if they can’t trust themselves yet, they shouldn’t be doing it. If I do help, I’ll approach it as a teaching moment. If they aren’t ready for that, I’ll get them out of their predicament. By then they’ve learned that obstacle is one they aren’t ready for, and they move on to something else without much fuss.
Not exactly sure if you’d call that FAFO—in the case where it’s “getting the car right now or FAFO” just seems like an empty threat which would eventually backfire.
Do you have more pieces on authoritative parenting, specifically how to teach obedience?
This is an insightful piece. I appreciate you honoring both sides. In reading different takes on this parenting style, I find that what often gets lost in the extremes… is relationship.
We don’t need to abandon consequences to stay close—and we don’t need to swing so far toward control that we forget our children are only children because they are children. They are whole people—or people becoming.
When obedience and relationship work in tandem—without the need for control—parenting becomes less about who’s in charge, and more about the kind of home we’re building together. & ultimately, the kind of people we're sending out into the world.
Thank you for this piece!
Your pieces are always so well written and reassuring. Many times I feel alone in having strict standards but then I remember that obedience is important, for lots of reasons: making life easier and more pleasant for the family, but also safety, as you mentioned; if I tell my toddler DON’T MOVE, she needs to comply without question because it might mean she is in danger. Just grateful for this sane, levelheaded advice!
I definitely know and understand FAFO parenting, perhaps a more extreme version.
I grew up in Argentina. A small town called Rio Cuarto, in the province of Cordoba.
We had several family friends we loved dearly, like cousins. We’d go on long trips together, 3 families. Both other families had properties, one near a lake with cabins, the other, a family ranch with cattle and horses.
The father of the family that owned a ranch was a strict, FAFO parent. We were all slightly frightened of him, although we loved him as well. He was known for enjoying to suck on the eyeballs of cows…no one else did this.
He was famous for stopping any child fight in a vehicle by stopping the car and asking anyone arguing or complaining to get out. He’d drive off regardless of how remote our location was, and only turn back to pick them up after driving at least several miles away.
One time, after our family came to live in the states, Culver City, CA, he came to visit with his wife. He came with me to walk my brother to school, who was about 4 (10 years younger than me). My brother was doing something our friend found unacceptable, so he had me walk away from my brother with him, leaving my brother to pout and tantrum on his own…for several minutes. Sounds acceptable, except we were on the sidewalk of a very busy street, Sepulveda Blvd.
Although his FAFO strategy was extreme at times, there was plenty to learn from our friend, named Lalo, especially after the gentle parenting problems we’re seeing across the board in our modern society.