This is essentially the thesis of Hunt, Gather, Parent — stressed out urban double-income-one-kid mom from San Francisco travels to a bunch of rural areas around the world and learns about traditional ways of parenting. And the core concept across all of them is kids participating in the way of life and contributing. Kids rise to the expectations set for them.
The book made me think a lot of how we run our lives in developed rich areas. I’m also an urban parent in a professional job.
Love this! We do this with our 8, 6, and 4 year old kids, and seeing the look of accomplishment on their faces when they complete their daily chores is so great!
I love this! I wonder how to navigate the (spoken and unspoken) rules that society has that make this purposeful independence for children hard though. I’ll give two real-life examples!
I sent my kiddo across the street while me and his little sibling played at the park. I was letting him go to a gas station alone to buy a beverage. He’s done this multiple times. I looked up to see the store clerk WALKING HIM BACK TO ME at the park and making sure I knew he was there. He asked me how old he was. It was a really strange conversation. It was all in the name of “looking out for” my son but…he wasn’t being neglected or ignored. The independent errand was intentional.
Second, we love the library. Sometimes I’ll send my son to look in a different section than I’m in. A couple times now, a librarian has scolded him and told him he needs to be with his grownup at all times.
So…I’m torn. It’s frustrating. I encourage him to be independent, and then he gets struck down by strangers and it impedes his confidence. I feel like I’m missing something!
I'm 59 and I STILL don't know what I want to do with my life. It's one day at a time. I was brought up by immigrant parents, born before WW2, and their mantra was always "get a good education, get a good job, earn lots of money then you can do what you want". It hasn't led me to find my purpose - and that is hard on my kids who are at, or will go, to university (college). They sure have a lot of life skills and I am here to support them as they forge their way in the world. They are good, kind, caring and capable humans (IMHO, LOL) and I am happy with that.
I love Catherine Newman's book How to Be a Person, especially that it is written for tweens and teens, and they seem to love it too.
I don't know where I read or heard this, but apparently kids are no longer excited about becoming an adult because we adults have made it look so terrible. My husband and I talk about how as kids we couldn't wait to be grown ups so we could do fun things and make our own rules and now that magic seems to be gone. We are working hard to make sure our son and others kid we encounter are excited about growing up and life in general.
My favorite book is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and I love these lines about the family: The Nolans just couldn’t get enough of life. They lived their own lives up to the hilt but that wasn’t enough. They had to fill in on the lives of all the people they made contact with."
I don't know How to Be a Person, but it sounds intriguing! I'll have to get it for my oldest kid. Thanks. And that's an interesting point about adulthood not looking exciting anymore. We do need to help our kids want it to aspire to it.
See I’m a bit more cynical here — that idea that adulthood was a fun time of getting to drive cars and renovate houses and go on vacations, may have been a peculiar aspect of 1950-2020 North American hyper-prosperity driven by a unique confluence of world events. Maybe never to come back.
A child born in 1925 wouldn’t grow up excited for the fun things they’d be doing as an adult, they’d be growing into responsibilities. It may be the same in 2025. We adults who grew up during the Long Summer don’t always really know how to raise kids who are needed and expected to be a contributing member of society rather than a “consumer”.
Kids can still grow up healthy and well adjusted even under conditions of material deprivation, though. But it needs the adults to frame things correctly. Bemoaning how the world is falling apart from climate change or war or anything else produces the results you said — kids who are anxious and who retreat into digital escapism. Our ancestors faced far worse — my view is we need to acknowledge the challenges in the world but don’t be so fatalistic that kids feel it’s hopeless. It’s about community and responsibilities — get meaning from other humans, not from the stuff we get to have or do.
(I have a whole other set of thoughts on how basically religious conservatives and ultra left commune type people have come to that same conclusion but with very different prescriptions on how we rebuild community/interpersonal connection, but that’s too much of a digression here haha)
This is essentially the thesis of Hunt, Gather, Parent — stressed out urban double-income-one-kid mom from San Francisco travels to a bunch of rural areas around the world and learns about traditional ways of parenting. And the core concept across all of them is kids participating in the way of life and contributing. Kids rise to the expectations set for them.
The book made me think a lot of how we run our lives in developed rich areas. I’m also an urban parent in a professional job.
https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Hunt-Gather-Parent/Michaeleen-Doucleff/9781982149680
Love this. Thinking up more chores now and will check out the book you reference on raising competent college age kids
Love this! We do this with our 8, 6, and 4 year old kids, and seeing the look of accomplishment on their faces when they complete their daily chores is so great!
I love this! I wonder how to navigate the (spoken and unspoken) rules that society has that make this purposeful independence for children hard though. I’ll give two real-life examples!
I sent my kiddo across the street while me and his little sibling played at the park. I was letting him go to a gas station alone to buy a beverage. He’s done this multiple times. I looked up to see the store clerk WALKING HIM BACK TO ME at the park and making sure I knew he was there. He asked me how old he was. It was a really strange conversation. It was all in the name of “looking out for” my son but…he wasn’t being neglected or ignored. The independent errand was intentional.
Second, we love the library. Sometimes I’ll send my son to look in a different section than I’m in. A couple times now, a librarian has scolded him and told him he needs to be with his grownup at all times.
So…I’m torn. It’s frustrating. I encourage him to be independent, and then he gets struck down by strangers and it impedes his confidence. I feel like I’m missing something!
I'm 59 and I STILL don't know what I want to do with my life. It's one day at a time. I was brought up by immigrant parents, born before WW2, and their mantra was always "get a good education, get a good job, earn lots of money then you can do what you want". It hasn't led me to find my purpose - and that is hard on my kids who are at, or will go, to university (college). They sure have a lot of life skills and I am here to support them as they forge their way in the world. They are good, kind, caring and capable humans (IMHO, LOL) and I am happy with that.
I love Catherine Newman's book How to Be a Person, especially that it is written for tweens and teens, and they seem to love it too.
I don't know where I read or heard this, but apparently kids are no longer excited about becoming an adult because we adults have made it look so terrible. My husband and I talk about how as kids we couldn't wait to be grown ups so we could do fun things and make our own rules and now that magic seems to be gone. We are working hard to make sure our son and others kid we encounter are excited about growing up and life in general.
My favorite book is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and I love these lines about the family: The Nolans just couldn’t get enough of life. They lived their own lives up to the hilt but that wasn’t enough. They had to fill in on the lives of all the people they made contact with."
I don't know How to Be a Person, but it sounds intriguing! I'll have to get it for my oldest kid. Thanks. And that's an interesting point about adulthood not looking exciting anymore. We do need to help our kids want it to aspire to it.
See I’m a bit more cynical here — that idea that adulthood was a fun time of getting to drive cars and renovate houses and go on vacations, may have been a peculiar aspect of 1950-2020 North American hyper-prosperity driven by a unique confluence of world events. Maybe never to come back.
A child born in 1925 wouldn’t grow up excited for the fun things they’d be doing as an adult, they’d be growing into responsibilities. It may be the same in 2025. We adults who grew up during the Long Summer don’t always really know how to raise kids who are needed and expected to be a contributing member of society rather than a “consumer”.
Kids can still grow up healthy and well adjusted even under conditions of material deprivation, though. But it needs the adults to frame things correctly. Bemoaning how the world is falling apart from climate change or war or anything else produces the results you said — kids who are anxious and who retreat into digital escapism. Our ancestors faced far worse — my view is we need to acknowledge the challenges in the world but don’t be so fatalistic that kids feel it’s hopeless. It’s about community and responsibilities — get meaning from other humans, not from the stuff we get to have or do.
(I have a whole other set of thoughts on how basically religious conservatives and ultra left commune type people have come to that same conclusion but with very different prescriptions on how we rebuild community/interpersonal connection, but that’s too much of a digression here haha)
Another great read, Katherine. I promptly asked my son to do a small chore I would normally have just done myself because I am faster.