When I was growing up the enemy was television. This was over 60 years ago of course. My mom had some rules: No TV before 5:00 and no TV after supper, which was 6:00, and no more that 30 minutes per day, except the Disney show on Sunday, which lasted an hour. I think she wanted some peace to make supper. We all turned out fine, all readers, and all over educated, outdoors types. I think you are dead on about rules. The thing is, we have to obey them ourselves, including too much time on the internet! I don't do social media and have no regrets, but I need to weed out the number of organizations that send me emails. All worthy causes that eat up time I could be weeding, planting, walking in the woods, riding a bike, or listening to the myriad of pollinators that simply adore the persimmon tree I planted 16 years ago. The hum is music.
Sigh! I took our kids to the library to sign up for the summer reading challenge and was frustrated to find out the theme was video games. (The kickoff event involved sitting outside the library in a trailer to play video games !!) We decided to visit a neighboring town’s library only to discover the activity of the day was a video game themed scavenger hunt! The librarian was explaining to my kids that the quality/quantity of reading does not matter for the summer reading challenge. Well, it matters to me!! I understand they are trying to make sure it’s inclusive to all reading levels but it seems like a rather low bar. We just decided to do our own family reading log and I will buy prizes for the kids! A little frustrating/concerning to encounter this at the library of all places!
Yeah out state has a Premier's Reading Challenge for kids with a pretty long list of books to choose from. There were a ton of Minecraft books there. I know they're trying to meet kids where they are but I couldn't help but be slightly disappointed.
I am a teacher. Thank you for talking about screen use at school. I have been advocating for my district to reassess our tech use and to stop sending home devices. My colleagues are on board but the school board is not. They are under the impression that devices lead to student achievement. The last decade of data demonstrates this is simply not true.
I have heard ALL of these rationalizations from fellow parents. And I get it, it can be hard when this tech feels so pervasive. But when my daughter was about 14 she was in a drama class, and the kids had to write and perform their own play. The play they staged was all about how depressed they were and how they KNEW their phones were an addiction, but they didn't know how to stop. How is that NOT on parents to solve? Thanks for this great reminder of the responsibility we parents absolutely have to give them what they need to live a healthy and thriving life.
Sometimes talking with other parents I feel like I’m in an episode of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror.” They say they wish they could “take it all back,” when their kids are still at home and I can’t for the life of me figure out why… they can’t?
It’s not as inevitable as they’ve been made to believe, but we’re viewing the world through entirely different lenses.
I think the anti screen advocates were severely hamstrung by the initial anti video game hysteria. People at the time had no problems with screens -- TV viewing even for kids was through the roof -- it was just videogames that people were worried about. All kinds of things like videogames cause violence.
None of that has really held up well and it has given the anti screen movement a black eye "you always complain about everything new and videogames turned out fine".
I've also been thinking about WHY parents are so quick to give up and use screens. The lack of a village is part of it probably but most kids are in school or daycare most of the day so really just the weekends that should be the big effort for modern parents, which seems doable?
There's also the overall fertility collapse, built environment that makes it hard to "play in the neighbourhood" because there aren't enough other kids of the same age around and too many cars. (Just today two parents were charged for allowing their 7- and 10-year old kids to walk 2 blocks to a grocery store.)
But I also think there's something about how the modern capitalist economy with its relentless drive for efficiency saps everyone's mental energy to the point where normal parenting stuff feels like a bridge too far and screens a good solution.
I lived in a developing country for a decade and even though people work very long hours it is rarely intense the way Western jobs are. You'll have a dozen staff at a department store just standing around most of the day. In the West there will be 2 staff who also need to juggle restocking, cleaning, etc during slow times. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean."
So I wonder if we're all just giving so much to work we don't have enough left over in the tank for normal parenting.
That’s a really interesting point, and I think there’s a lot of value to it. I have no doubt we’re draining ourselves completely of the capacity to parent. So much of our effort is funnelled into professional success that our children become afterthoughts. It’s part of a broader Western societal tendency to sideline kids and view them as obstacles to success. Other cultures do a much better job of revering children for all that they represent — hope for the future, an investment in family, a glorious challenge and the most amazing amplification of experience one can ever have!
Thanks for this! I hadn’t heard of this resource, definitely going to check out Screen Schooled.
One thing I am curious about is whether the “failure to launch” data described by Clement and Miles about young people living at home with parents controlled for other factors such as culture or economics. While I don’t doubt that tech addiction cripples young people’s ability to move out, in my culture, it’s the norm to live with your family of origin until marriage, to save money for your future, to give back to your parents, to contribute to the larger family. And even after marriage, homes are often multigenerational, so aging parents stay with you. So “living at home with parents” isn’t considered a failure to launch, but maintaining a community. I moved out from my parents’ home when I got married, and we now have my in-laws living with us, so I’ve personally never lived “on my own,” and that’s normal in our families. (It’s also incredibly helpful to have grandparents around for my kiddos!) That coupled with student loans, cost of living, and how hard it can be to find a job even with in-demand skills, I couldn’t have moved out before marriage even if I wanted to. But I wouldn’t attribute that to tech addiction personally (I’m in my mid 30s and didn’t have a smartphone until later in life). I wonder if there are other “failure to launch” metrics that have a clearer connection to tech. Perhaps voluntary unemployment, or comparing living at home with parents to time spent on social media, bringing that data together to make a clearer connection? I’d be curious if such a comparison has been done.
Another banger article. Every one is better than the last lately.
My only note on this when I forwarded this to some friends who also have kids 5-10 years old:
Assumption #3 is where even Martinko — who doesn’t shy away from blunt truths! — isn’t confronting the full darkness of the Silicon Valley vision. That kids won’t _need_ to concentrate or have critical thinking skills or any of that because all that will matter is controlling the AIs that do all the thinking for us.
Great read! It is crazy to me how quickly we normalised staring at a screen for hours and hours on end. I can still hear my mum telling me to get off the PS2 and go outside, good memories
Really helpful to break these three assumptions apart and reveal their problems one by one. I was reading something about Roblox the other day and thinking about who much time is spent online, building all these worlds and things, and yet how none of them offer the sort of deep experiences a family gets from dumping legos on the floor and building together. There was a great quote from P.J. O'Rourke's memorial of John Hughes, the director of The Breakfast Club Off among many other notable movies, talking about how for John, "Walking across the family room in your stocking feet and stepping on a Lego (ouch!) was the fundamental building block of society."
We can't step on a block created in Roblox or anything like that, and it makes us all worse off, as individuals, as families, and as the quote underscores, as a society.
Katherine! I looked at your site, but an not sure where to find info for tickets for your talk in Milton on the 6th? That is only about 40 minutes from my home, and I'd love to send my husband, as I am home with tiny kids at night.
Hi! I don’t believe there are tickets. I think it’s just a public event at the Sherwood branch. I’m sure he could show up. It starts at 7! That would be great if he could join.
When I was growing up the enemy was television. This was over 60 years ago of course. My mom had some rules: No TV before 5:00 and no TV after supper, which was 6:00, and no more that 30 minutes per day, except the Disney show on Sunday, which lasted an hour. I think she wanted some peace to make supper. We all turned out fine, all readers, and all over educated, outdoors types. I think you are dead on about rules. The thing is, we have to obey them ourselves, including too much time on the internet! I don't do social media and have no regrets, but I need to weed out the number of organizations that send me emails. All worthy causes that eat up time I could be weeding, planting, walking in the woods, riding a bike, or listening to the myriad of pollinators that simply adore the persimmon tree I planted 16 years ago. The hum is music.
Sigh! I took our kids to the library to sign up for the summer reading challenge and was frustrated to find out the theme was video games. (The kickoff event involved sitting outside the library in a trailer to play video games !!) We decided to visit a neighboring town’s library only to discover the activity of the day was a video game themed scavenger hunt! The librarian was explaining to my kids that the quality/quantity of reading does not matter for the summer reading challenge. Well, it matters to me!! I understand they are trying to make sure it’s inclusive to all reading levels but it seems like a rather low bar. We just decided to do our own family reading log and I will buy prizes for the kids! A little frustrating/concerning to encounter this at the library of all places!
Yeah out state has a Premier's Reading Challenge for kids with a pretty long list of books to choose from. There were a ton of Minecraft books there. I know they're trying to meet kids where they are but I couldn't help but be slightly disappointed.
Same at our library! I'm with you.
I am a teacher. Thank you for talking about screen use at school. I have been advocating for my district to reassess our tech use and to stop sending home devices. My colleagues are on board but the school board is not. They are under the impression that devices lead to student achievement. The last decade of data demonstrates this is simply not true.
I have heard ALL of these rationalizations from fellow parents. And I get it, it can be hard when this tech feels so pervasive. But when my daughter was about 14 she was in a drama class, and the kids had to write and perform their own play. The play they staged was all about how depressed they were and how they KNEW their phones were an addiction, but they didn't know how to stop. How is that NOT on parents to solve? Thanks for this great reminder of the responsibility we parents absolutely have to give them what they need to live a healthy and thriving life.
I’m glad it resonated with you! Thank you for the kind words.
Sometimes talking with other parents I feel like I’m in an episode of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror.” They say they wish they could “take it all back,” when their kids are still at home and I can’t for the life of me figure out why… they can’t?
It’s not as inevitable as they’ve been made to believe, but we’re viewing the world through entirely different lenses.
I think the anti screen advocates were severely hamstrung by the initial anti video game hysteria. People at the time had no problems with screens -- TV viewing even for kids was through the roof -- it was just videogames that people were worried about. All kinds of things like videogames cause violence.
None of that has really held up well and it has given the anti screen movement a black eye "you always complain about everything new and videogames turned out fine".
I've also been thinking about WHY parents are so quick to give up and use screens. The lack of a village is part of it probably but most kids are in school or daycare most of the day so really just the weekends that should be the big effort for modern parents, which seems doable?
There's also the overall fertility collapse, built environment that makes it hard to "play in the neighbourhood" because there aren't enough other kids of the same age around and too many cars. (Just today two parents were charged for allowing their 7- and 10-year old kids to walk 2 blocks to a grocery store.)
But I also think there's something about how the modern capitalist economy with its relentless drive for efficiency saps everyone's mental energy to the point where normal parenting stuff feels like a bridge too far and screens a good solution.
I lived in a developing country for a decade and even though people work very long hours it is rarely intense the way Western jobs are. You'll have a dozen staff at a department store just standing around most of the day. In the West there will be 2 staff who also need to juggle restocking, cleaning, etc during slow times. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean."
So I wonder if we're all just giving so much to work we don't have enough left over in the tank for normal parenting.
That’s a really interesting point, and I think there’s a lot of value to it. I have no doubt we’re draining ourselves completely of the capacity to parent. So much of our effort is funnelled into professional success that our children become afterthoughts. It’s part of a broader Western societal tendency to sideline kids and view them as obstacles to success. Other cultures do a much better job of revering children for all that they represent — hope for the future, an investment in family, a glorious challenge and the most amazing amplification of experience one can ever have!
Thanks for this! I hadn’t heard of this resource, definitely going to check out Screen Schooled.
One thing I am curious about is whether the “failure to launch” data described by Clement and Miles about young people living at home with parents controlled for other factors such as culture or economics. While I don’t doubt that tech addiction cripples young people’s ability to move out, in my culture, it’s the norm to live with your family of origin until marriage, to save money for your future, to give back to your parents, to contribute to the larger family. And even after marriage, homes are often multigenerational, so aging parents stay with you. So “living at home with parents” isn’t considered a failure to launch, but maintaining a community. I moved out from my parents’ home when I got married, and we now have my in-laws living with us, so I’ve personally never lived “on my own,” and that’s normal in our families. (It’s also incredibly helpful to have grandparents around for my kiddos!) That coupled with student loans, cost of living, and how hard it can be to find a job even with in-demand skills, I couldn’t have moved out before marriage even if I wanted to. But I wouldn’t attribute that to tech addiction personally (I’m in my mid 30s and didn’t have a smartphone until later in life). I wonder if there are other “failure to launch” metrics that have a clearer connection to tech. Perhaps voluntary unemployment, or comparing living at home with parents to time spent on social media, bringing that data together to make a clearer connection? I’d be curious if such a comparison has been done.
Another banger article. Every one is better than the last lately.
My only note on this when I forwarded this to some friends who also have kids 5-10 years old:
Assumption #3 is where even Martinko — who doesn’t shy away from blunt truths! — isn’t confronting the full darkness of the Silicon Valley vision. That kids won’t _need_ to concentrate or have critical thinking skills or any of that because all that will matter is controlling the AIs that do all the thinking for us.
Great read! It is crazy to me how quickly we normalised staring at a screen for hours and hours on end. I can still hear my mum telling me to get off the PS2 and go outside, good memories
Really helpful to break these three assumptions apart and reveal their problems one by one. I was reading something about Roblox the other day and thinking about who much time is spent online, building all these worlds and things, and yet how none of them offer the sort of deep experiences a family gets from dumping legos on the floor and building together. There was a great quote from P.J. O'Rourke's memorial of John Hughes, the director of The Breakfast Club Off among many other notable movies, talking about how for John, "Walking across the family room in your stocking feet and stepping on a Lego (ouch!) was the fundamental building block of society."
We can't step on a block created in Roblox or anything like that, and it makes us all worse off, as individuals, as families, and as the quote underscores, as a society.
Katherine! I looked at your site, but an not sure where to find info for tickets for your talk in Milton on the 6th? That is only about 40 minutes from my home, and I'd love to send my husband, as I am home with tiny kids at night.
Hi! I don’t believe there are tickets. I think it’s just a public event at the Sherwood branch. I’m sure he could show up. It starts at 7! That would be great if he could join.
Thank you. I'll find directions for him! Wish I could be there myself, but this is also excellent.
So important and true.