Three Things, Week 43.23
Mr. Rogers on parenting, why Halloween rocks, and rejecting teenage 'phombies'
Earlier this year, while reading Jenny Odell’s book, Saving Time, I came across a delightful German word. “Feierabend”, in modern German, translates as “the end of the workday.” But historically, it meant far more than that. Odell wrote that “feierabend” referred to “the feeling of leisure that parents and farmers might have had when the cattle and children were in for the night.”
I never knew there was a word for that feeling; we don’t have one in English, but I can relate. When the last child gets tucked into bed, I collapse onto the sofa, needed by and accountable to no one else, and breathe. There is a distinct feeling that comes when the day’s labours are finally over, the demands have subsided, and I have a few fleeting minutes for thoughts that can be, luxuriously and entirely, my own.
Until I start thinking about which three things I should write about this week…
1. Mr. Rogers on the Biggest Mistake Parents Make
In 1985, children’s TV host Mr. Rogers was asked what he considered to be the biggest mistake parents make when raising their kids. He answered:
“Not remembering their own childhood. I think the best thing we can do is to think about what it was like for us and know what your children are going through. Children can help re-evoke what it was like [to be a kid] and that’s why, when you’re a parent, you have a new chance to grow.”
These are wise words, and they apply in so many contexts. I think Mr. Rogers was talking more about remembering how hard it is to be little and trying to understand how a kid might be feeling about a situation, but my thoughts immediately jumped to free-range play.
Kids these days are given so little independence, despite the fact that we, their parents, enjoyed far greater freedom of movement and likely have fond memories of it. As I wrote in my book, Childhood Unplugged:
A 2012 report by the UK’s National Trust found that in a single generation, since the 1970s, children’s “radius of activity,” the area near their home where they’re allowed to explore unsupervised, has declined drastically. In 1971, 80 percent of 7- and 8-year-olds walked to school, either alone or with friends, but by 1991, less than 10 percent did—and were almost all accompanied by parents. Now it’s worse. Two- thirds of 10-year-olds have never been to a shop or park by themselves.
It’s crucial that we remember how good it felt to be allowed to go places and do things on our own, and then let our children experience that, too. Children have not become inherently incapable of things in just one generation; we just don’t give them the chance to prove themselves.
2. Why Halloween Is Great for Kids
Speaking of letting kids go places, Halloween is fast approaching, and so are the dire warnings about your child potentially getting poisoned by drug-laced candy, cut by a hidden razor blade in a chocolate bar, or assaulted by evil neighbours—except that this doesn’t actually happen! Watch this short, delightful video by my friend Lenore Skenazy for a fresh dose of perspective:
It’s time to give Halloween some positive press. This holiday is good for kids for many reasons. First, it’s a chance for them to put creative skills to work while making costumes and to express themselves in a quirky, playful way. Second, they can knock on doors and meet neighbours, which builds community, connection, and overall safety. Third, it teaches them independence without fear. Think of Halloween as a mini dress rehearsal for adulthood, when kids are allowed to wander freely, interact with strangers, and make decisions about where to go next. (That is, if you let them. And please, let them.)
There was a good little nugget of advice floating around the Internet this week about older kids who go trick-or-treating, and it popped into my mind when someone expressed shock at my 14-year-old still wanting to go out this year. Don’t tell kids they’re “too old” to go out! Remember: “The teen who comes to your door to trick-or-treat is choosing being a kid over doing other things.”
3. The Families Who Refuse to Raise ‘Phombies’
There was an interesting article in Yahoo Life this week about a growing movement in the U.S. to keep kids off social media till after high school. Others say teens shouldn’t have social media until they have a driver’s license, but the basic message is the same—delay, delay, delay!
More families are joining “low-tech circles” and seeking community with other likeminded families, in hopes of normalizing this unconventional lifestyle choice for their teens. Some are doing so proactively, wanting to protect their young children from future digital overload. Others are doing it in response to “losing” other kids to the digital rabbit holes of their phones. There were several references to kids becoming “unfeeling zombies” after getting phones. One sad description:
“Valdez’s son learned a hard lesson when his best friend got a smartphone for his birthday. ‘His friend became a “phombie”,’ says Valdez, referring to a term used to describe people fixated on their phone, ‘and didn’t want to talk anymore.’ Because smartphones weren’t welcome in the Valdez home, the friend stopped coming over, and eventually the boys lost touch. ‘[My son] got his first real exposure to how the smartphone changes people,’ Valdez says.”
The article was refreshing and hopeful. It had some practical takeaways and resources, such as giving a kid a smartwatch for safety reasons that can only receive or send texts or calls to approved contacts, and only preprogrammed messages with no photos or videos. I’m glad we’re talking about this. The more coverage this topic gets, the easier it will be for families to break with the status quo.
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