There is a story I tell at my talks about a father I know whose 9-year-old son was struggling with his tablet addiction. The father would confiscate the tablet whenever his son’s behaviour degraded, and then when it inevitably improved and the child asked for the tablet back, the father would relent. This cycle repeated itself over and over again, with the father telling me he could see the clear transformation that occurred every time the device returned to the boy’s hands. He said he hated the person his son became when he was using the tablet.
One day, the father had had enough. He and the boy took the tablet into the backyard and smashed it with a hammer. The boy participated in his own tablet’s destruction, which he found quite thrilling in the moment. The most amazing thing is that this happened nearly one year ago, and the boy has not asked for the tablet since. Why? Because he knows it doesn’t exist. He participated in its destruction, and so its fate is seared into his mind. He knows that thing is not coming back from the dead.
In my presentation slides, this story is titled “The Smashing Ceremony,” and I always see audiences start to squirm as I launch into it. I make it clear that I am not advocating for the widespread destruction of all handheld devices, but I do think there is a time and place for grand gestures that send a powerful message to kids.
If a kid is struggling greatly with their tablet or phone addiction, and “balancing” use isn’t working well, and neither is hiding the device to create physical separation, why not consider destroying it altogether? Would you not do the same if they were fighting an alcohol or drug addiction—destroy the supply so it’s no longer available? If you want a device out of your child’s life, this might be an expensive yet effective way to get the solution you need (and it’s definitely cheaper than therapy down the road).
Smartphones Will Be Destroyed
This story popped into my mind as soon as I read an amazing news story this morning about a boys’ school in Texas that has taken radical action against smartphones. The headmaster recently announced that if kids bring smartphones to school, the phones will be destroyed. Wow! Talk about setting some clear boundaries. I bet not a single kid will try to sneak their smartphone into the school because those are some seriously high stakes.
In the past, the school would confiscate phones and only return them to parents after they had met with the headmaster, whose name is Jason Hebert. He would explain the harms associated with smartphone use to the boys and their parents, encouraging parents not to return the phones to their sons’ hands. But this wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
One day, a mother complained to him about her son seeing graphic, violent content on someone’s phone at a school event, and Hebert said, “That’s it. We’re done.” He wrote a four-page letter to families that says, “Smartphones are causing significant, unimagined damage to the students who have them, as well as to the sons of those parents who have chosen not to give phones to their sons.” He explained that after phones are discovered and destroyed, kids will be suspended, and if there’s a second incident, they will be expelled.
Hebert told the Catholic News Agency that the damage these phones have caused to our children is unimaginable. “It’s not just pornography. YouTube actors and other characters just trying to get clicks perform the most shameless actions on video. They just have zero respect for the dignity of their bodies and for life, zero. And these boys want to emulate these people.”
He went on to say that he has noticed a degradation in the quality of the students’ conversations: “You can’t imagine the level of shamelessness among some of the boys, many of whom are generally considered ‘good kids’… This type of behavior is unprecedented in my tenure as an educator and even as a professional athlete.”
He does not think he’s being an alarmist, nor is he concerned that families might leave the school in protest. He says there are many more on the waitlist, hoping for a spot, but so far, the parental response has been “100% positive.” One mother of a former, now-graduated student even donated money to buy a metal grinder.
“Everybody just knows it’s right,” Hebert said. “We all want the truth, and the truth is, these devices are severely hurting kids. I’m not a doomsday guy, but someday these kids will be in charge of society. Think about it.”
An Effective Solution
This is impressive and admirable. At the same time, it’s just plain old common sense. Why would schools not crack down on something that is actively undermining kids’ ability to learn, which is their most important task right now? It’s astonishing that we’re as lenient as we are. We would never let them haul personal TVs into the classroom and set them up on their desks to watch during class, and yet we turn a blind eye or throw up our hands helplessly when it comes to smaller (and far more powerful) devices.
Hebert’s approach is refreshing. He is uninterested in trying to please parents or kids; he is focused on doing his job, which is giving his students the best education he can. I have total confidence that he’ll be proven right. His students will be able to focus entirely on their schoolwork, their teachers, and their friendships, without the insidious disruption and distraction by phones all day long.
I particularly appreciated Hebert’s statement in the letter about kids’ phones harming their peers who do not own phones. As a parent who has chosen to delay significantly my kids’ access to smartphones, I resent that other parents’ far more lenient actions have an impact on my kids. Mine go to school without phones but are still subjected to an endless show of moronic memes, dumb YouTube videos, and other Internet-fuelled drivel during class time and lunch breaks.
You Can Do This, Too
This brings me to another point I make in my talks: Don’t send phones to school. You’re the parent. You can intercept this device before it leaves the front door of the house. Make a rule that it stays at home. By all means, keep advocating for bell-to-bell phone bans at school (and other efforts to reduce smartphones), but why is this the school’s problem? It wouldn’t have to be, if there were no phones on the premises.
Parents are abdicating responsibility for a tough call. They’re the ones who should be doing this, not principals and teachers. If you’re worried about getting in touch with your kid during their commute, get them a basic phone. Or check your own paranoia and realize that they’re going to be just fine. Give them a bit of breathing room, a bit of age-appropriate independence.
I think Hebert’s approach is great, and I’d love to see it start to show up in more schools across the US and Canada.
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In the News:
You can read my column in this week’s Globe and Mail newspaper on lifeguard parenting, and why it’s a healthier approach to raising kids than helicopter parenting.
Hear me on CBC Radio Noon Quebec on September 19, discussing the question, “Does overparenting lead to anxious children?” My segment starts at the 30:19 mark.
In Fun Things:
Many of you readers may know Catherine Price’s name. She is the esteemed writer of How to Break Up With Your Phone and co-author with Jonathan Haidt of the upcoming Amazing Generation book. She has a TED talk that’s been viewed over 5 million times and writes a great Substack newsletter called How to Feel Alive. We did an interview several months ago.
She is also lovely human being who met me for lunch in Philadelphia a couple weeks ago. It’s so fun when professional connections move beyond the screen into the real world—and especially fun when you meet someone in the same line of work and realize that you really like them! We talked for hours and could’ve continued for many more, except that we both had other places to be. (We even shared a giant crème brûlée, which is a sure sign of instant friendship.)
I love this Katherine! What resonated with me the most is something I'm calling "secondhand algorithm" in my parent ed's. My kids are pure and not desensitized as they aren't online or on social media, but they are constantly being exposed to harmful content through their friends that they never would have seen otherwise. It's not their fault as I don't know many kids that would be able to advocate for themselves in those moments. It's completely unfair that other parents' lack of sensible, age-appropriate tech rules affects my kids – sometimes even with nightmares when it's something disturbing. The parents are absolutely responsible, and schools need to do better too by not allowing inappropriate tech use to take place at least inside their walls. Well done!
As a man who struggled with addiction for years, I know the power of “killing” the source of the addiction in some way - it could be ceremonially, or in this case, physically. So I love this! Thank you for sharing this story, Katherine.