Great rules. The parent access thing is so important, because messages sent on smart phones are not at all private from tech companies or even from the government. If we try to give kids "privacy" (from us), we are giving them a dangerous, false sense of security.
I’ve had to walk back tech introduced too early. When my son was in middle school, receiving a smart phone was status quo and “inevitable“. This had disastrous effects, and we did a full digital detox after he was hospitalized in ninth grade. He was angry at first, but declared it was the best thing ever for his mental health a week later. He still has a flip phone two years later.
Other way screen contracts help is that I can refer to them when arguments or boundary testing comes up later. Saves mental energy among discussions about why I should make an exception “this one time“
Thank you for sharing your contract. Our oldest is 14 and does not have a phone yet so when he is driving and able to get a phone, we will be instituting rules!
My daughter who’s 16 has what I called a “borrowed” iphone. She uses it for 15 mins a day to communicate with friends, she may take with her to places we need to reach her. She has no Social Media installed. We share a lot about what’s appropriate or helpful, even some research on the effects. Her phone stays in our room and only takes when she has permission. On the other hand she loves the outdoors and is very creative, much of this due to not giving her a smart phone.
I got my first phone at 16 because I started driving. The idea was that if I needed help on the road I would call. It was not a social device: we had landline phones for that kind of planning. Thus, it pretty much lived next to where I left my keys and wallet—which is still a pretty good place for it today.
The contract is good, but what strikes me most is the word 'friction.' You're describing something I think about constantly: the difference between making something harder to do and making something impossible to do. The phone stays in the kitchen overnight. The password lives on the chalkboard. He can't take it to school but he can take it on away trips. None of these are walls. They're thresholds, and thresholds make you pause and think, which is the whole point.
I have a question about the recommendation to delay giving a smartphone to a child or teenager. During the summer, or even on a typical afternoon, it's pretty common for a child to go out with friends and only come back for dinner. How do you handle this kind of situation? What if you want to know where they are, or if they need to tell you something?
Do you just trust them and wait until they get home?
I know it might sound like a silly question, but other parents of 10- and 11-year-olds keep telling me things like, "Sure, but if he's out, it's important to have a way to reach him."
The short answer is yes, I just trust them and wait till they get home! It's important for kids to have some degree of independence, when they're unreachable by parents and free to explore, play, engage with friends away from adult supervision. Many of us grew up that way, and we're fine. Likely some of our best childhood memories involve playing outside with friends, with no parents around.
That being said, it's important for kids to be able to reach YOU in an emergency. Make sure they know your number, so they can text or call from anyone else's phone. I'm always getting texts from strange numbers, which are my kids notifying me of any changes to their plans, using their friends' phones. The silver lining of everyone having phones is that your kid will always be able to find a way to contact you.
But really, this is more about parents relinquishing control and accepting that a child deserves a degree of freedom of movement. Right now, we over-supervise and overprotect kids. We suffocate them with our incessant hovering. It's a good exercise to practice stepping back and letting them be.
Create some boundaries, e.g. tell them what time to be back, and establish ahead of time where they're going and who they'll be with, then let them go. Check out let grow.org for some great resources on this.
We added a few social items to our kids’s phone contracts: phone will not be used to break up with anyone, phones will not be visible at the dinner table or when attending a social event, and phone will not be used to participant in bullying text messages or group communications
Buried in the fine print is also the fact stated that due to electromagnetic radiation, the phone should be kept at least 1 cm from the head or torso. Not to mention the fact that all govt safety testing was done on a plastic dummy, believe it or not.
Great rules. The parent access thing is so important, because messages sent on smart phones are not at all private from tech companies or even from the government. If we try to give kids "privacy" (from us), we are giving them a dangerous, false sense of security.
I’ve had to walk back tech introduced too early. When my son was in middle school, receiving a smart phone was status quo and “inevitable“. This had disastrous effects, and we did a full digital detox after he was hospitalized in ninth grade. He was angry at first, but declared it was the best thing ever for his mental health a week later. He still has a flip phone two years later.
Other way screen contracts help is that I can refer to them when arguments or boundary testing comes up later. Saves mental energy among discussions about why I should make an exception “this one time“
I love this so much and appreciate all the work you do in this space! I look forward to your book!
Thank you for sharing your contract. Our oldest is 14 and does not have a phone yet so when he is driving and able to get a phone, we will be instituting rules!
My daughter who’s 16 has what I called a “borrowed” iphone. She uses it for 15 mins a day to communicate with friends, she may take with her to places we need to reach her. She has no Social Media installed. We share a lot about what’s appropriate or helpful, even some research on the effects. Her phone stays in our room and only takes when she has permission. On the other hand she loves the outdoors and is very creative, much of this due to not giving her a smart phone.
I got my first phone at 16 because I started driving. The idea was that if I needed help on the road I would call. It was not a social device: we had landline phones for that kind of planning. Thus, it pretty much lived next to where I left my keys and wallet—which is still a pretty good place for it today.
The contract is good, but what strikes me most is the word 'friction.' You're describing something I think about constantly: the difference between making something harder to do and making something impossible to do. The phone stays in the kitchen overnight. The password lives on the chalkboard. He can't take it to school but he can take it on away trips. None of these are walls. They're thresholds, and thresholds make you pause and think, which is the whole point.
Hi all, great article, thanks!
I have a question about the recommendation to delay giving a smartphone to a child or teenager. During the summer, or even on a typical afternoon, it's pretty common for a child to go out with friends and only come back for dinner. How do you handle this kind of situation? What if you want to know where they are, or if they need to tell you something?
Do you just trust them and wait until they get home?
I know it might sound like a silly question, but other parents of 10- and 11-year-olds keep telling me things like, "Sure, but if he's out, it's important to have a way to reach him."
Hi Stefano.
The short answer is yes, I just trust them and wait till they get home! It's important for kids to have some degree of independence, when they're unreachable by parents and free to explore, play, engage with friends away from adult supervision. Many of us grew up that way, and we're fine. Likely some of our best childhood memories involve playing outside with friends, with no parents around.
That being said, it's important for kids to be able to reach YOU in an emergency. Make sure they know your number, so they can text or call from anyone else's phone. I'm always getting texts from strange numbers, which are my kids notifying me of any changes to their plans, using their friends' phones. The silver lining of everyone having phones is that your kid will always be able to find a way to contact you.
But really, this is more about parents relinquishing control and accepting that a child deserves a degree of freedom of movement. Right now, we over-supervise and overprotect kids. We suffocate them with our incessant hovering. It's a good exercise to practice stepping back and letting them be.
Create some boundaries, e.g. tell them what time to be back, and establish ahead of time where they're going and who they'll be with, then let them go. Check out let grow.org for some great resources on this.
Good luck!
Love this approach!
I absolutely love the idea of tying it to getting their drivers license. Makes a lot of sense to me! Thank you!
Great rules, Katherine! Congrats on the new book!
We added a few social items to our kids’s phone contracts: phone will not be used to break up with anyone, phones will not be visible at the dinner table or when attending a social event, and phone will not be used to participant in bullying text messages or group communications
Buried in the fine print is also the fact stated that due to electromagnetic radiation, the phone should be kept at least 1 cm from the head or torso. Not to mention the fact that all govt safety testing was done on a plastic dummy, believe it or not.