'Simplicity Parenting': Do Less to Raise Happier, Calmer Kids
Kim John Payne's book is about making home and family a sanctuary for children.
Over the Christmas holidays, I read Kim John Payne's 2009 book Simplicity Parenting. Payne is an educator and consultant who helps families establish a calmer, happier dynamic at home. He identifies four levels of simplification that I found to be interesting and remarkably sensible. These are environment, rhythm, schedules, and filtering out the adult world.
Environment
The first, environment, is self-evident, and tends to be where most parents want to start. It often requires a physical purging of the home—decluttering, if you will—that reduces visual mess and creates empty, open spaces that are conducive to sparking creativity.
The goal is partly to reduce choices for kids. Payne writes, "As Americans... we love to give our children choices. We think that these choices help them on the road to becoming who they are." But he "strongly believes the opposite is true." Forcing kids to make repeated choices about what to play with, what to wear, what to eat, or what to do distracts from the "natural—and exponential—growth of early childhood." Kids become themselves through play and social interaction, not through making decisions about material objects.
Rhythm
The next level, rhythm, was particularly intriguing to me, since I've always been a proponent of routine in child-raising, but don't often see it discussed beyond sleep training and feeding schedules in the early years. Payne thinks it's important to establish a sense of regularity to each day, since meaning hides in repetition. Kids crave the security that comes from predictability.
"In the tapestry of childhood, what stands out is not the splashy, blow-out trip to Disneyland, but the common threads that run throughout and repeat: the family dinners, nature walks, reading together at bedtime (with a hot water bottle at our feet on winter evenings), Saturday morning pancakes."
He points out, beautifully, that relationships are often built "in the intervals, the spaces between activities," the moments leading up to or away from doing things together. Those are opportunities to check in with kids to find out how they are doing. If you make a habit of doing that from a young age, it will be easier to rely on a "well-worn groove of connection" as they enter the more tumultuous adolescent years.
Schedules
When it comes to simplifying schedules, Payne makes a suggestion I loved—the implementation of "Sabbath moments", which are small snippets of undistracted, unplugged time that do not require blocking off a whole day or more. This is important because "everyone is distracted when one member of the family is distracted."
You can make certain parts of your day screen-free, such as driving in the car, during meals, going for walks, or in the hours before bedtime. It might not feel like much, but it can have a cumulative effect; and even brief breaks away from our devices can provide a small psychological boost.
Filtering Out the Adult World
The final level—filtering out the adult world—was my favourite. Similar to giving kids too many choices, we tend to over-inform children about what's going on the world. We assume they can handle it, but they can't. Kids struggle to make sense of news reports; they don't know that the same incident is reported dozens of times, and might think each is a unique event, which paints a terrifying picture of the world. Payne recommends limiting exposure to media news, even for adults.
"Children need to know that theirs is a good world." Kids' sense of security is undermined when we talk about all that is bad, whether it's inept politicans or impending climate disaster or refugee crises. This is not about keeping them naive, but recognizing that they need to establish a solid, secure foundation before thinking about big, complicated global issues.
Somewhat relatedly, I discovered this after 10 years of working in environmental journalism. I loved my job, but I spent my days exposed to a great deal of negative news. There came a point when I had to let go of an apocalyptic worldview because I couldn't live each day like that. I felt guilty for having children, for eating meat, for taking trips, for buying clothes. Worst, I feared the future—and that's no way to raise a family.
While I do think people need to live responsibly, it is not healthy to feel crippled by hopelessness or self-reproach. We all need to believe that the world is fundamentally good in order to want to participate in it—and thus be able to improve it.
Simplicity Parenting was not a riveting read (it took some dedication to finish), but it gave me a lot to think about. The family is a powerful unit. It's where all training for life begins, and if we spent more time considering the home environment we want and then aligning our choices and routines with that vision, I suspect many of us would feel a greater sense of peace and satisfaction.
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I borrowed this book from the library recently and had to skim (my little boy is just entering the toddler phase so I'm very busy, I'm sure you can relate)! I really enjoyed it too and found this article very helpful. My parents are good people but they watched the news every night and then Dateline after, and I remember how terrified both used to make me when I watched them as a kid!
I read this book back when my kids were small-like 2011, and it had a huge influence on how we parented. It made so much sense then and makes even more now!