Seventeen Seconds

Parents, just wait!

Picture this: Your kid is perched awkwardly in a tree, grasping for a branch that they are unsure they can reach. They call for help, torn between taking the leap or sliding out of the tree to firm ground.

Or this: Several kids are digging holes in a sand box, and someone starts to protest loudly about getting shoved. A fight breaks out, and you can hear their shouts becoming more indignant and outraged.

Or this: Your kid is in a small rowboat, moving close to the shoreline of a smooth, still lake. They struggle to manipulate the oars and keep turning in the wrong direction. Frustrated, they yell at you, sitting on a nearby dock, to come rescue them.

Or this: Your kid is building a fort in the backyard, industriously cutting cardboard with a utility knife. This makes you uncomfortable because you are worried they might cut themselves.

In all of these scenarios, you have a choice to make as a parent. Should you leap up from whatever you’re doing to “save” your child, or should you give them some time to work it out? Sometimes it can be hard to decipher between real and non-emergencies—and that is when counting helps.

Seventeen Is the Magic Number

That is how long you should wait before deciding whether to intervene in children’s play. If they are doing something that makes you nervous or makes them express hesitation, take a mental step back, count to seventeen, and see what happens. Often, the child will manage to resolve their issue within that time frame and your help won’t be needed at all.

This recommendation comes from Dr. Mariana Brussoni, head of the Outside Play Lab at the University of British Columbia. I love how logical and succinct it is. Seventeen seconds sits right in that sweet spot between not too short and not too long; you’ll be on hyperalert, watching, poised to jump in if needed, but also aware that your child can, most likely, get figure things out on their own.

Dr. Brussoni told CBC that stepping back and counting allows you to “see how your child is reacting to the situation, so that you can actually get a better sense of what they’re capable of when you’re not getting in the way.” This provides them with “the opportunity to figure out for themselves what’s comfortable and what they can do,” and it gives them a chance to practice risk-management skills.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

After seventeen seconds, if the situation has not deteriorated, you can offer words of encouragement. Say, “You’re doing great!” or “I know you can do this!” If it’s a safety issue (as with a utility knife), say, “I’d like to show you the technique I use,” before handing it back.

The way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice. If you infuse them with confidence, that will help them to believe in their own capability.

Related Post: In Praise of Risky Play

Be a Lifeguard Parent

Another great way of thinking about this is to be a lifeguard parent (as opposed to a helicopter parent), aware of all that’s going on, but only jumping in when necessary. Not only does this make your own job easier as a parent (fewer interruptions and greater long-term independence), but it builds the kid’s confidence enormously showing them that they can do hard things—and that you believe in them.

Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash

For anyone who struggles with letting go, Brussoni’s team has an online tool that guides parents and caregivers through interactive scenarios and coaches them in the proper response. Part of the exercise includes having adults reflect on the childhood play experiences that were most formative for them, and striving to create similar opportunities for their own kids.

It is natural to want to spare our children any discomfort, but this instinct can get in the way of letting a child grow and learn. So, the next time you’re poised to jump into a play situation to defuse an argument or pull a kid out of a tree, count to seventeen and see what transpires. You may be surprised.

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In Other News:

In honour of last Friday’s Global Day of Unplugging, I did some radio interviews to talk about ways to observe it with kids. Please take a listen!

• The Mike Farwell Show—CityNews Kitchener (min. 19:36)

• Montreal Now With Aaron Rand—CJAD800 (audio unavailable)

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