I would also add, as a parent of a toddler, that the surveillance kicks in reeeeeaally young: pseudo-medical oxygen monitors for healthy newborns, apps where parents record every feed, sleep and dirty nappy, video baby monitors on WiFi which can be accessed from the parent’s phone, nurseries which send photos back to parents daily of children doing totally normal things while in childcare.
Lots to unpack there - who is doing what with all this data, for one - but this stuff jumped to mind having read your piece. For a parent who is used to the surveillance of a very young child, I’m guessing it feels more natural - and reassuring - to keep that up in new ways as they grow!
That data question is one I think about a lot. Baby tracking apps, nursery cameras, even the monitors, they’re collecting information about some of the most vulnerable people possible, and most parents never see a privacy policy. Medical necessity is a real distinction though. Pen and paper for a preemie’s feeds is a completely different thing than a wellness app harvesting sleep data on a healthy newborn.
Great piece. I hate feeling like I'm being surveyed, too. A pet peeve - and I hope it's safe to say this here - is when I leave someone's company, and they ask me to message them when I get home. I'm sure they have good intentions, but my whereabouts and safety are not their responsibility once we have gone our separate ways. And if I'm not worried about my own safety, why is it on me to calm someone else's fears? I'll do this for my parents (I'm happy to, for valid reasons), but try to avoid it with anyone else. If it's too hard to avoid, I make a point of telling them I'm home *before I actually get there*. Just to prove to myself that they're not in control 😅
This DROVE ME NUTS in previous relationships. I'm fine! I'm a grown-ass adult, and I don't need to check in with you after driving a whopping five miles home. It's so nice to see I'm not the only one who feels this way!
ooh okay I LOVE this debate because I flip flop on it all the time.
I am going to be the friendly dissent in your comment section. You had me on the adult-kids stat. 42% of parents tracking an 18-to-24-year-old is a wild number, and the point about kids going looking for autonomy online when they cannot find it in the real world is the most important thing in this piece, so 100% aligned there.
Here is where I split from you. In my house, location sharing is dispatch. My husband and I share locations so I can see he is two minutes from the pickup line and start the rice instead of texting "where are you" five times. My twelve-year-old shares hers because that is the deal that let her start biking to her friend's house at all. The dot on the map is the thing that let me loosen the grip in the first place. Take it away and I become the hovering parent I am working hard not to be.
I think there's a difference between control and coordination. Control is what that woman did to you. Coordination is how a dual-working house with three kids gets through a Tuesday. I will never open the app to see what my kid is DOING. I open it to know whether I have to leave right now. Do you draw that line anywhere, or is the tool itself the thing you cannot get behind?
I'm used from chidlhood to inform the people i share the house with if i change territories, like "i'm going outside". My parents taught me this, so that they could have a zone to search for me if i would be needed. It annoys me when mom goes somewhere without taking her phone, she is needed and i can't find her as i have not even the clue where to look for her: is she in the cellar, is she outside, is she in the forest, is she at the neighbour?
I also hate the "what are you doing?" It makes me feel like i have done something wrong and their opinions or trying to meddle in my thing tends to ruin my iriginal ideas and intention. I prefer to tell them about it when i have finished doing it as it is too late for their meddling or opinions.
Thinking about "being tracked" is also so different than "thinking about the boundaries my parents have established and being free within those constraints." I gave my 10-year-old a large boundary around the neighborhood last summer so I could know roughly where she'd be but without the need to check in. I am hoping it develops critical thinking and self mastery, not reporting from under a microscope.
My 9 year old is listening to CDs with his door closed (very old school here - he's got this super cute little CD player that looks like a record player) and reading this helped me resist the urge to go ask him if he's alright. He came out awhile ago - lured into the kitchen by the smell - and he'll come out when it's time to eat. It's better than him underfoot moaning that he's bored.
This essay was timely as my sister has been asking advice since my parents began tracking her. They would have been staunchly against such surveillance when us older kids were young (I am 26) -- but for some reason they feel the need to monitor my very trustworthy and innocent little sister. I shared this with her, hoping it helps!
This. This. This. Thank you for putting to words my concerns about the panopticon kids live under these days. I recently told my mom a story about some hijinks of mine in college in the 00s, and she would've had no idea had I not told her. She actually kept track of me more than most parents, but I still had unparalleled freedom compared to the median adolescent today.
I'm hopefully going to be a parent soon, and the last thing I want is to be their own personal Eye of Sauron.
Sauron is the exact metaphor I have always used for open floor plans in modern housing! We have to be watching all the time! No thanks. I'll take a Victorian and boundaries.
I didn’t track my now 21 year old till they went to college almost a 12 hour drive away. That freshman year was when we got life360. That first semester we both tracked each other more than the past 2.5 years. It was the safety net we both needed to adjust to the distance. At that time the kid and I texted the same amount we talked when the kid was home. Now I have pings when the kid leaves the dorm and comes back. I don’t check other than that. I added mom to it too, mainly for the alert if she’s in an accident, since for now she’s still driving.
Tracking is consensual here, I’ve even told the kid if they want to blur out exact locations it’s possible. They don’t care.
Tracking also came in handy last week, I was on my way home from an eye dr appointment. My son was on his way home from work. The kid needed to move the garbage cans, ideally my son would be home first and handle it. But he wasn’t she tracked me to a point then moved the bins. My son and I got home at the same time btw. I teased the kid I should throw a tracker in his car to help with this situation - but I wouldn’t well unless he ticked me off.
My 2 are 30 & 21 now and my values are respect and honesty, so as with the kid when we started we talked about it and decided together
Love this whole piece Katherine, thank you.
I would also add, as a parent of a toddler, that the surveillance kicks in reeeeeaally young: pseudo-medical oxygen monitors for healthy newborns, apps where parents record every feed, sleep and dirty nappy, video baby monitors on WiFi which can be accessed from the parent’s phone, nurseries which send photos back to parents daily of children doing totally normal things while in childcare.
Lots to unpack there - who is doing what with all this data, for one - but this stuff jumped to mind having read your piece. For a parent who is used to the surveillance of a very young child, I’m guessing it feels more natural - and reassuring - to keep that up in new ways as they grow!
Ugh you are right, and all of that technology did not help my intuition as a new mom who needed to user her 5 senses rather than multiple apps!
That data question is one I think about a lot. Baby tracking apps, nursery cameras, even the monitors, they’re collecting information about some of the most vulnerable people possible, and most parents never see a privacy policy. Medical necessity is a real distinction though. Pen and paper for a preemie’s feeds is a completely different thing than a wellness app harvesting sleep data on a healthy newborn.
Great piece. I hate feeling like I'm being surveyed, too. A pet peeve - and I hope it's safe to say this here - is when I leave someone's company, and they ask me to message them when I get home. I'm sure they have good intentions, but my whereabouts and safety are not their responsibility once we have gone our separate ways. And if I'm not worried about my own safety, why is it on me to calm someone else's fears? I'll do this for my parents (I'm happy to, for valid reasons), but try to avoid it with anyone else. If it's too hard to avoid, I make a point of telling them I'm home *before I actually get there*. Just to prove to myself that they're not in control 😅
This DROVE ME NUTS in previous relationships. I'm fine! I'm a grown-ass adult, and I don't need to check in with you after driving a whopping five miles home. It's so nice to see I'm not the only one who feels this way!
ooh okay I LOVE this debate because I flip flop on it all the time.
I am going to be the friendly dissent in your comment section. You had me on the adult-kids stat. 42% of parents tracking an 18-to-24-year-old is a wild number, and the point about kids going looking for autonomy online when they cannot find it in the real world is the most important thing in this piece, so 100% aligned there.
Here is where I split from you. In my house, location sharing is dispatch. My husband and I share locations so I can see he is two minutes from the pickup line and start the rice instead of texting "where are you" five times. My twelve-year-old shares hers because that is the deal that let her start biking to her friend's house at all. The dot on the map is the thing that let me loosen the grip in the first place. Take it away and I become the hovering parent I am working hard not to be.
I think there's a difference between control and coordination. Control is what that woman did to you. Coordination is how a dual-working house with three kids gets through a Tuesday. I will never open the app to see what my kid is DOING. I open it to know whether I have to leave right now. Do you draw that line anywhere, or is the tool itself the thing you cannot get behind?
I'm used from chidlhood to inform the people i share the house with if i change territories, like "i'm going outside". My parents taught me this, so that they could have a zone to search for me if i would be needed. It annoys me when mom goes somewhere without taking her phone, she is needed and i can't find her as i have not even the clue where to look for her: is she in the cellar, is she outside, is she in the forest, is she at the neighbour?
I also hate the "what are you doing?" It makes me feel like i have done something wrong and their opinions or trying to meddle in my thing tends to ruin my iriginal ideas and intention. I prefer to tell them about it when i have finished doing it as it is too late for their meddling or opinions.
Thinking about "being tracked" is also so different than "thinking about the boundaries my parents have established and being free within those constraints." I gave my 10-year-old a large boundary around the neighborhood last summer so I could know roughly where she'd be but without the need to check in. I am hoping it develops critical thinking and self mastery, not reporting from under a microscope.
My 9 year old is listening to CDs with his door closed (very old school here - he's got this super cute little CD player that looks like a record player) and reading this helped me resist the urge to go ask him if he's alright. He came out awhile ago - lured into the kitchen by the smell - and he'll come out when it's time to eat. It's better than him underfoot moaning that he's bored.
I've been talking about surveillance parenting A LOT lately! It's one of the main hinderances to kids building resilience and competence. Thank you!
This essay was timely as my sister has been asking advice since my parents began tracking her. They would have been staunchly against such surveillance when us older kids were young (I am 26) -- but for some reason they feel the need to monitor my very trustworthy and innocent little sister. I shared this with her, hoping it helps!
This. This. This. Thank you for putting to words my concerns about the panopticon kids live under these days. I recently told my mom a story about some hijinks of mine in college in the 00s, and she would've had no idea had I not told her. She actually kept track of me more than most parents, but I still had unparalleled freedom compared to the median adolescent today.
I'm hopefully going to be a parent soon, and the last thing I want is to be their own personal Eye of Sauron.
Sauron is the exact metaphor I have always used for open floor plans in modern housing! We have to be watching all the time! No thanks. I'll take a Victorian and boundaries.
I didn’t track my now 21 year old till they went to college almost a 12 hour drive away. That freshman year was when we got life360. That first semester we both tracked each other more than the past 2.5 years. It was the safety net we both needed to adjust to the distance. At that time the kid and I texted the same amount we talked when the kid was home. Now I have pings when the kid leaves the dorm and comes back. I don’t check other than that. I added mom to it too, mainly for the alert if she’s in an accident, since for now she’s still driving.
Tracking is consensual here, I’ve even told the kid if they want to blur out exact locations it’s possible. They don’t care.
Tracking also came in handy last week, I was on my way home from an eye dr appointment. My son was on his way home from work. The kid needed to move the garbage cans, ideally my son would be home first and handle it. But he wasn’t she tracked me to a point then moved the bins. My son and I got home at the same time btw. I teased the kid I should throw a tracker in his car to help with this situation - but I wouldn’t well unless he ticked me off.
My 2 are 30 & 21 now and my values are respect and honesty, so as with the kid when we started we talked about it and decided together
Thank you for posting this. I think this is an important discussion.. if you’re interested, I’m writing about performance culture with respect to our teens. I’m concerned about where this has been going too. 😔 https://monicababich.substack.com/p/the-disappearance-of-a-way-of-growing?r=53fuw&utm_medium=ios
Love this!