The moment I saw the first rule in Jean Twenge’s latest book, 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, I knew I liked her. Rule #1 said, “You’re in charge,” and I realized immediately that this is a woman who is not afraid to hold parents accountable for their role in managing children’s tech habits, something that many experts are reluctant to do. “She sees it like I do,” I thought with relief, as I read through an advance copy of the book last March.
Anyone digging into research about kids and screens won’t get very far before encountering Twenge’s name. A psychology professor at San Diego State University, she is a renowned researcher on the topic of generational differences and the effects of technology on kids. She has published an impressive 200 scientific articles, textbooks, and several books, including popular titles like iGen and Generations.
Twenge has three teenage daughters, which means she is doing what all of us parents are doing every day—trying to figure out the best way to raise kids in a new and confusing tech-saturated world. That’s why her new book is interesting.
While it still contains many of the detailed graphs that she’s known for (she told me that Generations had 250 graphs, and she made all of them herself), 10 Rules plays out in personal territory, with anecdotes about her own family, her daughters’ friends, and adolescents she knows. It’s packed with practical, step-by-step advice for what to do and say when it comes to all aspects of digital media, from implementing parental controls on a new laptop, to which social media platforms to avoid (she has “no” and “maybe” lists), to sample scripts for talking to (smart) argumentative teens.
“This was probably the easiest writing experience I’ve had,” Twenge told me. “I feel like I’ve been writing this book in my head for 8 years. It flowed out because it’s the collision of the research and the things at home, and I was just very motivated to try to help parents with really concrete rules.”
While we’ve communicated by email before, I first spoke directly to Twenge on Zoom in late September, to discuss her new book. Then we moved our acquaintance beyond the screen (highly recommend!) and met up in person in Toronto last week. I attended a great talk she gave, then we spent several hours walking the university area and chatting about all things kids-and-screens, while munching on a tasty pack of good old Canadian Timbits.
It’s Time for Clarity
Twenge believes parents are in desperate need of guidance. As she writes in the book’s introduction, “It often feels like the whole world is conspiring to keep our kids tethered to tech—and that’s because it is.” Parents are totally overwhelmed by these new technologies that are highly addictive and barely regulated. They want to do more to protect their kids, but much of the advice out there is frustratingly vague:
“It says rules are going to differ based on the kid or the family. It says you should teach your kids ‘digital literacy’, whatever that means. It says limits should depend on what kids are doing online, even though that can change by the minute. It says we should talk to kids about why they shouldn’t spend too much time on their phones—and then expect them to put down their phone at bedtime and stop spending so much time on social media.”
This wishy-washy approach doesn’t work. Twenge knows it from experience, and so do all of us who are in the same boat. We need something firmer to grasp on to, to guide us through confusing times—and that’s precisely what Twenge offers with her 10 rules, which she says are “not anti-tech rules,” but rather, “rules that ensure technology doesn’t take over our children’s lives.”
The Necessity of Saying No
I already mentioned Rule #1: You’re in charge. It seems that parents are desperate to be assured of their right to be the boss at home. I hear it all the time after the talks I gave, with parents coming up to me and saying, “Please give me permission to say no to my kid. Tell me it’s OK.” I asked Twenge why that’s the case. She said she hears the same thing from audiences:
“One thing I come back to a lot is how much previous generations of parents said no, and how much they said no when their kids said, ‘But everybody else is doing it!’ Modern parents tend not to say that. They find that argument about ‘everyone else is doing it’ to be more compelling, and so they cave in. And they’re just more willing to cave into their kids in general. They’re thinking much more about, ‘I don’t want to fight with my kid. I want my kid to be happy,’ but that you have to think long-term, not short-term about that.”
I asked if she thinks it’s a pendulum swing of sorts, a reaction to stricter upbringings that we ourselves may have had, but she said no, it’s much more of a linear progression.
“I think a lot of parents today find the idea of being an authority figure to be somewhat unnatural. We are so used to everyone being equal, and then you become a parent and you’re in charge, and parents are now like, ‘Wait a second, what’s going on here?’ I think that’s common…
“Parents don’t want to fight with their kids, and I totally get that. I don’t really want to fight with my kids, either, but sometimes you have to. Teenagers are going to push back. It’s their job. It’s the developmental stage. And you have to hold firm on the things that you really believe in, and the things where you’ve already seen negative effects, and smartphones often fall under the category.”
Wait Till 16
I’m a big fan of Rule #5: Give the first smartphone with the driver’s license. That’s 16 in most parts of the United States and Canada. It’s also considerably higher than 14, which Jonathan Haidt recommends, and far higher than 11, which is the average age at which most kids get their first smartphone.
Twenge points out that a great deal of maturing occurs even between 14 and 16, which is why we don’t let 14-year-olds drive cars. One could argue that kids don’t need a smartphone until they’re driving, when having a navigation app and Internet access might be helpful. Prior to that, Twenge recommends providing a basic phone that’s designed for kids, without social media, an Internet browser, or AI companion apps, but still looks like a normal phone and allows them to call and text friends.
Plus, if getting a license is a prerequisite for a smartphone, then teens will acquire more independent mobility and not have to rely on Mom or Dad for rides to meet up with friends, which could push them toward a Snapchat hangout instead.
Let Go, Let Grow
Rule #8: Give your kids real-world freedom is the one Twenge gets most pushback on. There is still a pervasive attitude that if kids are allowed to walk unsupervised to school, they’re going to get kidnapped, “even though it’s a pretty false narrative.”
She said, “It’s always been fascinating to me that both parents and grandparents who grew up with a lot of independence are very reluctant to give it to children now. They don’t think through. ‘Hey, at that age, I had that independence!’ But that’s really ingrained. I think that’s slowly changing, but a lot of parents are still very reluctant.”
Solutions for Kids
I asked Twenge how kids respond to her message. She joked that the first time she gave a talk to high school students, she was scared they would “just throw things and say, ‘You’re old. What do you know? We can’t live without this!’” But that’s not what happened. They were receptive because they know they’re caught up in a big problem, but they don’t know how to solve it. Twenge gave them a few suggestions for incremental improvement:
“Don’t communicate via algorithmic social media. Use text instead, or better yet, call each other, or go over to each other’s houses to hang out. And have a conversation with your friend: ‘If I don’t text you back right away, I’m not mad at you. It means I’m taking a break from my phone.’”
Twenge told me that there is a “very strong social norm about the expectation of the instant response,” and she thinks that’s one reason why teens are always pulling out their phones. “They’re convinced that their friends are going to be mad at them [for not responding right away], so I tell them, ‘Look, have that conversation.’”
Conversations are always important, particularly among parents and kids, but as Twenge explains in the book—and in conversation with me—they cannot replace having rules. “It’s a false dichotomy to say that we can talk to kids, or we can have rules. No, we can absolutely do both.”
An Emphasis on Practicality
It’s always fun to see my name in print, especially when I’m not the one doing the writing, and that happened in Rule #4: First phones should be basic phones, where Twenge talks about my approach to delaying smartphone ownership. She references my list of three questions parents often ask when they hear that my high schooler doesn’t have a phone, along with my rebuttals to them.
The book contains plenty other bits of wisdom. I liked the list of conversations you should have upfront with kids about the risks of online activity. I thought the reframing around delayed phone ownership was helpful: “If your kid is the last one in their class to get a smartphone, that means you won.” And I appreciated the many smart rebuttals to common obstacles and criticisms—for example, if a kid says they want TikTok in order to understand what their friends are talking about, Twenge points out that the argument “doesn’t hold water since feeds are individualized.”
Perhaps most importantly, she reminds readers several times, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Nor should you “give up on the good the rules can do, even if you can’t follow them perfectly all the time.” We’re all going to make mistakes, particularly when we’re raising kids, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold ourselves (and them) to a higher standard when it comes to managing these devices that are known to have such potential for harm. We owe it to our kids.
I flew through this guide last month and enjoyed reading your thoughts on it. I would love for the burden to be taken off the parents but that’s not our current reality and we cant simply ignore it.
We've built a culture that tells parents their authority is oppressive. Kids need someone in charge to anchor them, and care for them. Saying no is not exerting absolute control. Parents have foresight and they are the ones seeing further down the road (as this is not really a kid thing). We need to have the courage to withstand our children's temporary frustration for the sake of their long-term wellbeing. I'm putting the book on hold in my library (it's quite popular!).