Talk to people! All my life I have talked to people. Standing at the stoplight. Standing in the grocery line. Talking to the checker. Waiting at the bus stop. Talk to the person you're sitting next to on the bus. I'm 76. I garden out front a lot. I know most of my neighbors for about two blocks around, because I say hello as they walk by. I give dogs treats, with permission. Of course, I don't have a cell phone, so I can't be distracted... I hate to tell people, but we didn't have cell phones for everyone until 1999. You can live your life with a landline. Now that I'm a widow (almost three months now) my neighbors and husband's friends have volunteered to take me for walks and to the grocery store. Seriously, talk to strangers, no matter how young or old they are. Don't discriminate. Everyone responds to a smile and "Hey!" or "Hi!"
Yes, get out of the house. Look up. Listen. Ask the follow-ups. Phone away. It’s so sad about the young people. It’s true about them needing time to practice these skills. I believe this lack of meaning they are feeling — and even the growing despair reported ( in our young people!! What??) — comes primarily from the fact that we are living as though we don’t need each other, or benefit from each other. We are interdependent beings and our young people are living in this oddly, unnatural independence through no fault of their own.
The intertwining of our lives is what leads to the essential feelings of significance, mattering and meaning in life.
This is what I write about, Katherine. Our social health. Our connectedness. Our natural position in life. We are drifting so far from it and I think it is the issue of our time.
I wonder if one of the things we have lost is the low stakes encounter. Friendship now seems to require arranging, messaging and finding a date in the diary, whereas a great deal of friendship used to grow out of simply bumping into people, calling in, lingering after something, or talking because you happened to be there. We may have made social life more organised and, in the process, made it harder.
This is such an important discussion. I don't have much time to socialize in this season of motherhood, but tomorrow I get to go golfing for the first time with a friend!
I am also super thankful for good, longtime friends I can keep up with regularly and not feel alone in this season ❤️
Your broad thesis is correct. Talking to people is not a complicated process and denying yourself that opportunity is almost akin to a self inflicted wound. If you spend the majority of your time looking down at your phone, you are not looking up at the world and the world is assuredly a far more interesting place. There is a lack of spontaneity in much of society, allied to a nagging fear that your perceived ignorance on any subject will be accompanied by flashing red lights. We are all inexpert or ill informed or out of the loop in our own sweet way, myself included, but it is our imperfections that enhance our authenticity to others. It makes us more accessible and more human so conversation provides the ideal segue to build relationships. It may be fleeting or it may endure but one should always seek to embrace risk rather than shun it. Who knows where it may take you?! I touched upon this and related themes in my recent book, “Leave Your Phone At The Door”.
I always recommend volunteering! Both times I have moved town I made my new friendship group from volunteering at Guides. Even if you don’t end up making friends it’s helpful just getting out of the house regularly and filling your time with someone positive instead of doom scrolling.
Also, having a dog opens you up to so many opportunities for making friends. If you find a potential friend suggest meeting up for another walk and get their number. Arrange a new walk within the next 48 hours so it’s locked in.
I love this! I was smiling knowing I've had Miriam, Jeff Hall (of the University of Kansas study), and YOU on my show, Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. With over 200 episodes, I can tell you that making friends is the same at EVERY age. Yes, get of out of the house, get off your phone once you're there (be interested and approachable), follow up within the conversation and after (by reaching out), and I'd add do not keep score AND learn to redefine reciprocity. (Those last two are more about keeping friends than making them.)
Talk to people! All my life I have talked to people. Standing at the stoplight. Standing in the grocery line. Talking to the checker. Waiting at the bus stop. Talk to the person you're sitting next to on the bus. I'm 76. I garden out front a lot. I know most of my neighbors for about two blocks around, because I say hello as they walk by. I give dogs treats, with permission. Of course, I don't have a cell phone, so I can't be distracted... I hate to tell people, but we didn't have cell phones for everyone until 1999. You can live your life with a landline. Now that I'm a widow (almost three months now) my neighbors and husband's friends have volunteered to take me for walks and to the grocery store. Seriously, talk to strangers, no matter how young or old they are. Don't discriminate. Everyone responds to a smile and "Hey!" or "Hi!"
So important!
Yes, get out of the house. Look up. Listen. Ask the follow-ups. Phone away. It’s so sad about the young people. It’s true about them needing time to practice these skills. I believe this lack of meaning they are feeling — and even the growing despair reported ( in our young people!! What??) — comes primarily from the fact that we are living as though we don’t need each other, or benefit from each other. We are interdependent beings and our young people are living in this oddly, unnatural independence through no fault of their own.
The intertwining of our lives is what leads to the essential feelings of significance, mattering and meaning in life.
This is what I write about, Katherine. Our social health. Our connectedness. Our natural position in life. We are drifting so far from it and I think it is the issue of our time.
Thank you for this piece.
I wonder if one of the things we have lost is the low stakes encounter. Friendship now seems to require arranging, messaging and finding a date in the diary, whereas a great deal of friendship used to grow out of simply bumping into people, calling in, lingering after something, or talking because you happened to be there. We may have made social life more organised and, in the process, made it harder.
This advice is entirely consistent with all the other advice on how to be a good person, or how to be successful. Go first and be generous.
It works!
This is such an important discussion. I don't have much time to socialize in this season of motherhood, but tomorrow I get to go golfing for the first time with a friend!
I am also super thankful for good, longtime friends I can keep up with regularly and not feel alone in this season ❤️
Your broad thesis is correct. Talking to people is not a complicated process and denying yourself that opportunity is almost akin to a self inflicted wound. If you spend the majority of your time looking down at your phone, you are not looking up at the world and the world is assuredly a far more interesting place. There is a lack of spontaneity in much of society, allied to a nagging fear that your perceived ignorance on any subject will be accompanied by flashing red lights. We are all inexpert or ill informed or out of the loop in our own sweet way, myself included, but it is our imperfections that enhance our authenticity to others. It makes us more accessible and more human so conversation provides the ideal segue to build relationships. It may be fleeting or it may endure but one should always seek to embrace risk rather than shun it. Who knows where it may take you?! I touched upon this and related themes in my recent book, “Leave Your Phone At The Door”.
Loved this post.
I always recommend volunteering! Both times I have moved town I made my new friendship group from volunteering at Guides. Even if you don’t end up making friends it’s helpful just getting out of the house regularly and filling your time with someone positive instead of doom scrolling.
Also, having a dog opens you up to so many opportunities for making friends. If you find a potential friend suggest meeting up for another walk and get their number. Arrange a new walk within the next 48 hours so it’s locked in.
I love this! I was smiling knowing I've had Miriam, Jeff Hall (of the University of Kansas study), and YOU on my show, Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. With over 200 episodes, I can tell you that making friends is the same at EVERY age. Yes, get of out of the house, get off your phone once you're there (be interested and approachable), follow up within the conversation and after (by reaching out), and I'd add do not keep score AND learn to redefine reciprocity. (Those last two are more about keeping friends than making them.)