Don't Ask for Parenting Advice on Social Media
The hive mind doesn't know or care about you.
Parenting is a difficult job. It is the unquittable job. You can’t walk away from it, no matter how hard it gets. You must face every obstacle and deal with it to the best of your ability—and then your reward for overcoming it is another obstacle. And another. And another.
I joke that, despite raising kids for the better part of 15 years, there is always a point in each day when I don’t know what to do. Baffling situations inevitably arise. This is because kids grow up and their needs change, and you as a parent must adapt to them.
It is no wonder that parents often crave guidance and advice on how to deal with their kids. And it’s no wonder that many turn to social media to ask for it. Platforms like Instagram and Facebook have replaced the “village” that we once relied on to help raise our children. I understand the compulsion to seek crowd-sourced help, but I can’t help but cringe when I see a well-meaning parent ask their “Facebook or Instagram friends” to weigh in on a problem at home.
Some examples I’ve seen:
“My child’s stomach is always bloated and gassy. What should I do?”
“My child has tantrums, kicking and screaming to the point of vomiting.”
“Is it normal for a 2.5-year-old to say no words other than Mama and Papa?”
“I think my 13-year-old daughter has ODD, but she refuses to see anyone, so I can’t get a diagnosis. She says horrible things to me, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I have three boys whose fighting is out of control. They are rude and hurtful. They ask for things 100 times a day. I am sick, tired, exhausted. I feel like I’ve failed as a parent.”
“I need recommendations for anger management books.”
My observations are backed by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, published in November 2023. Apparently, 80% of parents with children ages 0 to 4 use social media to discuss parenting topics. Parents reported:
Mothers are more likely to use social media for parenting advice or information than fathers (84% vs. 69%). The most common reasons parents turn to social media include toilet training (44%), child sleep issues (42%), nutrition/lactation (37%), and discipline (37%).
My heart goes out to all of these parents—and I hope they find the support they need—but I think they’re seeking it in the wrong place.
Why Is This a Problem?
First, a post could be embarrassing to a child. Sure, some do it anonymously, but many do not. It puts the child’s problem on display for the whole world (or, at the very least, one’s social media followers) to see and weigh in on, which most of us would consider to be deeply humiliating if our problems were being dissected. Kids may be little and oblivious, but their right to privacy must be defended by the parent.
Second, social media will give you a mishmash of arbitrary subjective opinions. You cannot possibly provide enough background information for people to be able to offer a comprehensive solution, nor are most people qualified to give a helpful answer. Do you even know what their home environment is like, how their own kids behave, what their parenting priorities are? It’s better to seek advice from people you know, whose opinions you trust, or whose advice has been validated by reputation, experience, example, education, or publication.
I do not mean that you should only take parenting advice from official “experts”. Ironically, the inverse of crowd-sourcing advice from hundreds or thousands of strangers on social media is a curious tendency to ask only professionals for parenting advice (think therapists, counsellors, doctors, psychologists, etc.) over family and friends.
Ask People Who Care and Know
Collectively, we’ve stopped calling our moms and aunts and grandmas for advice on how to discipline unruly children or deal with picky eating because they don’t seem adequately qualified in our eyes. We value their retrospective wisdom less than the opinions of strangers on social media who purport to be “in the trenches”.
This is an oversight on our part. These older women (and some men) actively raised multiple children over many years; surely, they know what they’re doing, even if their memory has faded somewhat. We need to give our extended family and friends more respect when it comes to asking for and receiving advice. A big upside of talking to people who genuinely care about you and your kids is that they will not be as judgmental. It’s in their best interest to empower and encourage you and ensure your success.
Of course, this assumes you have good family members to ask, and not everyone does. In that case, consider this advice offered by Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public:
I get texts and voice notes from friends on a regular basis asking how to deal with specific issues, and I enjoy thinking about and analyzing other families’ dilemmas. It helps me to be a better parent. When I’m struggling, I usually call my mother, who raised four kids (and two of them fairly recently, more than a decade after me). She never fails to offer solid, common-sense advice, even if it’s sometimes hard to hear.
Don’t Forget About Books
Parenting books are another great resource, offering guidance that has been well-researched and edited by entire teams of people. Of course, books have radically different philosophies, but you can find one that works best for you, and then go deep. (In case you’re wondering, my all-time favourite parenting book is The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. I consulted it daily for many months and recommend it to every new parent who craves structure and sanity in their life.)
There’s great value in striking up conversations with other parents at baby group meetings, coffee shops, playgrounds, libraries, the gym, and more. A casual face-to-face discussion that starts with, “Hey, have you experienced this…?” will give you so much more to work with than a quick post or survey on your Instagram story. People are generally eager to talk about what they’re going through. Resist the urge to put your query online and turn instead to the real world for help whenever you can.
As always, I’m eager to hear readers’ thoughts on this, and whether you share my disinclination toward using social media as a source of wisdom.
In Other News:
🌟 My book Childhood Unplugged has been shortlisted for the Foreword 2023 INDIES Book of the Year Awards! 🌟
In a press release, the Awards director said, “The INDIES not only honors outstanding literary achievements but also helps to qualify and connect these exceptional books with librarians and booksellers alike.” I won’t hear till June if it has won anything, but it’s exciting news nonetheless.
What I’m Currently Reading:
The Fraud by Zadie Smith
Stillness Is the Key by Ryan Holiday (a reread, because why not?)
I just finished Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family & Social Class by Rob Henderson. It broke my heart and blew my mind, and ever since I’ve been thinking about how maybe I should become a foster parent! I enjoy Rob’s Substack and his thought-provoking observations about culture and society.
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Seventeen Seconds
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