Be a Lifeguard Parent

The 3-stage approach to intervention will boost child independence and parental relaxation.

Author’s children teeter above deep water on a cliff top

“Don't be a helicopter parent.” No doubt you’ve heard that admonishment before. Hovering too closely around children is a notoriously unproductive thing to do, for parent and child alike. But the question remains: What kind of parent should you be? A hot debate continues to rage around that, but I’ve always liked one particular suggestion: Be a lifeguard parent.

A lifeguard parent treats parenting like lifeguarding. They sit apart from the action and keep an eye on everything that’s going on, unless they need to dive in to deal with an emergency. A lifeguard has a good sense of what a healthy baseline looks like and can detect swiftly when things start to go off the rails, possibly requiring intervention. But most of the time, no emergency occurs, and the lifeguard parent has minimal interaction with the children for the duration of the playtime.

I once heard lifeguard parenting discussed by Dr. Mariana Brussoni, a well-known advocate for the benefits of risky play who’s also the director of the Human Early Learning Partnership and a professor at the University of British Columbia, and Richard Monette, managing director at Active for Life. The two described lifeguard parenting, aka “vigilant care”, as having three main components—open attention, focused attention, and active intervention.

The 3 Stages of Intervention

Open attention should be a parent’s default state. They care about what the child is doing, but they are physically distant and non-intrusive. They are not interacting with the child directly, but rather letting the child do their own thing, even if it falls into the category of risky play. With open attention, Brussoni said, “a sense of trust permeates the experience.” Parents who do this “will be impressed at how capable their kids are.”

Focused attention kicks in when a parent detects warning signs and realizes they may need to intervene. They might communicate with the child to see how they’re faring and remind them to think through their actions. The important thing is not to direct them explicitly. A parent might say, “What do you think of that branch?” instead of yelling, “Stay off that branch!” It respects the child’s own sense of judgment and capability—and recognizes that there are many things that a child is OK doing that an adult wouldn’t dream of. Let your child amaze you.

If a parent feels nervous or unsure about whether focused attention is sufficient, they might try counting to 17, which is the magic number Brussoni cites as helping to clarify the status of a particular situation. You can read my post about it here.

You can also repeat the phrase coined by the Canadian Pediatric Society earlier this year, when it issued a new position statement in support of risky play. Kids should be kept “as safe as necessary,” which is a whole lot different from “as safe as possible.” It recognizes that kids require edginess in their play in order to develop optimally, and subtracting yourself as a parent from many of their situations is hugely beneficial.

Active intervention occurs when a parent recognizes that they absolutely must step into a situation, like if a child who can’t swim is at the edge of a dock or a whittling knife is being wielded recklessly. Then the parent intervenes as the authority figure they are, ensuring the child’s safety, directing their play with firm kindness, and reiterating the necessary boundaries.

A parent should spend almost all of their time in a state of open attention. Focused attention may happen only once every few days, and active intervention should be a very rare occurrence. If it’s happening on a regular basis, that could mean you’re too much of a helicopter parent and need to embrace that inner lifeguard, or you need to revisit the rules and expectations for play with your child, who may not fully understand what’s appropriate and what’s not.

Parenting Becomes Easier

I love this three-part breakdown because it’s simple, logical, and effective—and I always like parenting solutions that make the all-consuming job of raising a child feel easier. It’s a reassuring reminder that we parents do not need to hover nearby all the time. Our kids are just fine when given space to play. It’s not our job to entertain them, but it is our job to ensure they stay intact.

This approach underscores children’s inherent capability. They’re not nearly as fragile as many parents tend to assume. They’re far from being the “delicate morons” that Lenore Skenazy, founder of Let Grow, once described with her usual sharp wit. Children are marvelous, miraculous little humans who do not deserve to hear constantly that things are dangerous or scary or too sharp or too high or too fast. That can fuel irrational fear about their environment.

The last thing you want is for a child to internalize the message that they are incapable, that they cannot decide for themselves how to do a particular activity, that they need an adult to tell them what to do. Avoid that fate by becoming a lifeguard parent—and raising strong, confident swimmers as a result.

You Might Also Like:

A Day in the Life of a Screen-Free Kid
The Benefits of Summer Camp
What Is the Purpose of Childhood?

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In the News:

• I did a series of 13 live interviews in a single morning this week for CBC Radio (Canada’s national broadcaster). It was a ton of fun, as always! I talked to show hosts from Newfoundland to British Columbia about the findings of this new study I wrote about: Digital Pacifiers Impede Emotional Regulation.
  
  Here’s a clip of my 6-minute interview with host Elyn Jones in Whitehorse, Yukon. And of course, before we talked on air, we chatted briefly about my wonderful trip to the Land of the Midnight Sun last summer and how much she loves the bakery where my sister works as a pastry chef. Small world…

• Furthermore, here’s a short podcast interview I did with WORLD News Group, where I weigh in on social media safety and how opting out is the most effective strategy for me and my family.

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Book Birthday!

This week marks one year since the launch of my first book, Childhood Unplugged: Practical Advice to Get Kids Off Screens and Find Balance (New Society Publishers, July 2023). It’s hard to believe the year has flown by so quickly, but so many amazing things have happened as a result. If you haven’t read it yet, please do! It’s available wherever books are sold.

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